The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you all for the warm welcomes - it means so much.
I'm sitting here this morning and pondering over yesterday - Easter. My qualifier, my ABF and I had a nice day/dinner. In these seemingly peaceful times I seem to feel a stirring anxiety of sorts; like I don't want to enjoy myself in his company too much for fear that it can all be taken away again.
I've tried really HARD to focus on ODAT with regards to his relapsing but, I fear for the future - for the times when he may stop attending his meetings or talking to his sponsor- how will I be able to detach then, if that happens, without completing feeling devestated all over again. It pains me in a way to consider that I need to remain detached from someone emotionally, when I really just want a relationship where I can FEEL close to them. It seems wrong, always needing to protect myself from someone whom I am supposed to be in a romantic relationship with - I say this all, despite knowing that there are no whys or reasoning with the disease of alcoholism and addiction.
It's hard to live in the present when I fear the future so much. I can't bear to consider that devestation, all that accumulated hope - all of his recovery, only for him to throw it all away and have me left in the wake. It seems the middle ground is the hardest to achieve -- learning to focus on oneself and detach, yet in a way that still allows you to care and enjoy the individual's company but, not so much that you are enmeshed in their every move, that your worth is entangled with their decision to get well. I guess I am afraid of repeating my OLD patterns, of not taking action on my own behalf when things were simply horrible.
Before, I lived APART from my qualifier. Now we live together. The hurt FEELS closer, the craziness based on an EXTENDED relapse, imminent, even, at times. Yesterday despite everything I KNOW from this program, I found myself feeling so needy, desperate to have his word that he WANTS a life with me and is committed to recovery. I think back on this now and feel so silly - how could i possibly ask an A to promise me such things when they are attempting to work an ODAT program?
It is hard to consider a future with someone when you simply DON'T know. How have others coped with this?
Thank you in advance for sharing!
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Monday 13th of April 2009 04:57:13 AM
That feeling of a car wreck coming down the pike is my disease. Its my job to work on my disease, plain and simple. Feelings are not facts.
Addicts/alcoholics and relapse go hand in hand my friend.
Here is my favorite phrase: "ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all my problems today..." accept the fact that you are living with an A and that relapse comes with that. Any day, any moment. So does full recovery!
And perhaps your own recovery/relapse might be of greater concern for yourself- let him deal with his recovery/relapse.
Keep coming back and I hope you can find some meetings soon. hugs, J.
Welcome to the MIP family. We've all known that fear of relapse. It's normal for us. The way we learn to deal with it is by working our program. Detachment doesn't mean that you stop loving the person. It means that you learn to detach with love. Try and stay in the moment. Enjoy the sober times. They are priceless.
You can't let the fear of relapse paralyze you. His recovery is up to him. Turn him over to his HP. The BEST thing you can do for his recovery is to focus on yours. I know that sounds wierd, but trust me. People ALOT smarter than I have told me so.
Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if your boyfriend chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. Keep working your program and you will be just find. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can relate to this b/c 4 yrs ago -- when I came back to al-anon, I really wanted to stop obsessing. I obsessed about the future, other people, even my own tragedies. I also would reminisce about past wounds. There is a saying, it's a lil crude but it applies here; If I have one foot in yesterday & the other in tomorrow, I'm pissing on today. Well, this was me all over it, I had no appreciation for this moment/Now b/c I was so focused on futlie things I cannot control. It's just a mind trip/screw. Also, what we focus on grows, so if ur focsuing on his slipping (or not) as far as I can tell, it is only going to feed energy into something u dont wish to manifest. Not that u have any responsibility if he does slip but making yourself sick, with worry doesnt serve any positive, proactive purpose either.
We detach from our A's actions, their programs, we detach emotionally so that if they are having a bad day - we dont have to be upset too, we can be "ok" even if others arent. Detachment does not mean we dont care. There is a good pamphlet on it cd, "Detachment".
The way my obsessing (eventually) stopped was I got focused on *me*. When my mind would "slip" or go to someone else's mental health (none of my business) I would bring my focus back to me. I did this late in my thirties & it was such a challenge, that when I'd consider me to focus on, I'd immediatly feel guilty. I kept trying anyway. I told myself guilt was a negative emotion & I was only experiencing it b/c focusing on me was so foreign & new but I knew that healthy ppl could do this. That's what I wanted. I was sick of guilt & fear eating me up.
I see fear as the same way, it pops up like a warning, this is new, different. So when I'm afraid, I acknowledge it & then proceed anyway, telling myself, I'm scared b/c this is new, I can do this in spite of my feelings. Then I accomplish that goal & get the reward of increased self esteem, it's very validating.
Focus on YOU and your program and what you can do for yourself today. Today technically is all the time we have, tomorrow is no guarantee. Relish & enjoy your right now time. This is reality. Projecting into the future takes you away from your life right now. Focus on what you want to manifest & make grow. When u feel yourself focusing on ur AH, get ur energy & attention back onto you. We add a lot of pressure to them when we "sit & watch them" (by looking for a slip or wtvr). All we need do is focus on us, get off their backs & be in the moment.
I also understand ur comment about not being able to enjoy ur time b/c u fear it will all go away. As an ACoA, I had this experience growing up. By about ten yrs old or so, I wasn't being joyful anymore. At foty I realized why I was doing this... in the past, being over joyed would inidcate that things would change drastically. I call it, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like you are holding your breath, waiting for something bad to happen and it usually would. I no longer look for the catastrophes in life. I now see these "problem situations" as opportunities for growth &/or challenges. I'm not a bad person if something breaks in the house & it's not a relfection on me. Things break. I am not a bad person b/c of it.
Now I focus on the positive things in my life. I have altered my perception/attitude. We all slips/mistakes occassionally. I was told that when the A slips, it strengthens their program & it's how they/we learn. I have to tend to my own lessons, allowing the A the same dignity & freedom. Ultimately it is between us individually & HP.
Focus on YOU & make a gratitude list ~ it helps me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Keep digging up those awarenesses and early lessons and reaching out for help. MIP is a gold mine and very available to you. So are the meeting rooms. I hope you get there soon. Get what's in your recovery head down into your feet and recover.
You helped me relocate a life saver from the past. "Absolutely no one is responsible for my peace of mind and serenity but me." A truism.
yrs ago in early sobriety I had all the fears u wrote about , then one day some one called and reminded me to NOT MISS THE GOOD DAYS !! after hanging up the phone I sat and thought about all the times I withdrew because I didn't want to get hurt again . There are no guararntees in either program except to return me to sanity , today I know if I look after my own needs , meetings friends in program having my own life - regardless of what he does I will be okay . Eventually I had to take a chance , jump back in this relationship with both feet - I always had one foot out the door . or let it go . I chose to stay have not been sorry , we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home today , life is alot better . I gave my relationship to God and told him if we were goning to make it thru this HE was going to have to do it cause I quit . so one more time I got the focus back on me . good luck to you both . Louise
I know this post is old.. but i am feeling all that you just wrote. you took the words out of my mouth. Reading it and others' responses really just helped me. Sometimes I wish I had never met him or that I didnt love him... and I am fully aware that I need to be in today and not the past and focused on me. It is soo soo hard when you are so used to being the complete opposite of that. I need more help than I can even get. I keep missing meetings b/c of my anxiety. I go every thursday b/c im comfortable there. I asked a woman to be my sponsor but i havent felt very sponsored yet. I am really slipping and sliding right now back into my old compassion fatigue, exhaustion from control over things i have no control over ways.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
