The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good Morning and Happy Easter to all of those who celebrate this holiday --
I am new to this board but, not to the Alanon program itself, although I have been feeling its work in my life slip away as of late.
I grew up with trauma and abuse in my life and have always struggled with self esteem and perpetual insecurity - the feelings of never being good enough and battling an innate worthlessness; always afraid that someone would "find out" about me- my past and my mental afflictions. I've suffered from depression, also since I was a young child, which was another thing the helped me to believe there was something inherently wrong with me and different from those around me.
I have always been a severely codependent individual. From a young age, I learned to caretake in order to show my love. I thought that if people NEEDED me, they would never leave me and I was terrified of being left and rejected.
Growing up, I have had a series of unhealthy relationships. I, myself, from time to time have used substances to feel better about myself and to turn myself socially into someone else. Almost four years ago I met my current partner who is both an alcoholic and addict. I did what we Anon's do and thought I could change him if I loved him enough and "made him see the light." I was blind to so much in the beginning but, eventually I began to fall into the insanity and crazy-making behavior. I was absolutely insane and behaved in ways I never imagined I would.
He eventually went into rehab and subsequently decided that it would be best for him to move to a new environment and start fresh. He moved to Florida. I still had a year left before I was to graduate college so moving for me was not an option. I found MY recovery after he moved. He was into his recovery in Florida and I was back in PA crazy and worrying and feeling deeply insecure and insane. I found Alanon and worked my own recovery, finding a sponsor and beginning to live my life in a way I never dreamed possible. I was always severely angry and trapped in self-pity. I thought that the world was out to get me. I was learning a new way to live that I had never experienced.
I graduated and made the decision to move to Florida. My boyfriend moved out of his halfway house and we got an apartment together. I have been here since August and I still have yet to truly find a meeting I like or program peeps. My sponsor and I have grown apart and I feel crazy alot lately. I've gone through a relapse with him and the ways in which I had fallen back into my old ways terrified me. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I do know that I cannot hinge my dreams and hopes on someone I cannot control - it is not healthy. I want so badly tochange and to begin to live my life ina way that honors and respects myself and that follows the Al-anon program. I know it works, it's just a matter of finding out HOW to get myself back to that point. I have "relapsed".
Welcome to MIP. I am sorry your boyfriend relapsed but I am glad that you found this online community.
I too went to alanon, used all the tools and built a life beyond my imagination. I thought I could use the program tools on my own (without meetings) and be fine. I relapsed as well but was eternally grateful that I knew where to go for help.
I hope you find meetings in your area. There are meetings here 2xs a day and the chat room is always open.
Welcome to this forum!! I love it here, I've grown so much using the online meetings, chat room and this board.
I can relate so much to ur post -- growing up acoa, I too felt very insecure, depserate to please my mother (my original codie relationship) -- I was an extremely angry & lonely teen (when I was alone). I was a neurpotic mess most of my life. Nothing for me changed until I began discovering what self love is & making myself a priority. Doing this at 38 was a real challenge - it was the most foreign, uncomfortable thing I've ever done but it got better, easier. Once I began to grow in self love, learning to treat myself gently & kindly, it got better. I was very depressed these last couple of years (it's been different, the last two years it had been lifting). Plus I did attempt suicde three times, twice in my late thirties at 36 & 38 y/o. That was about the last straw for me ~ that's when I got serious about working on self love. Obviously I hated myself & had no sense of self preservation.
Since then, I do feel like a completely different person.
As far as slipping goes, dont beat yourself up, pick back up & start over. There was a time where forget odat - I was one second at a time & I had to surrender & start over many many times a day.
In case ur interested, here's the mtg schedule & welcome to MIP!
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
HI and welcome , keep going to meetings u will find one that suits you don't stop now , you know what to do to get back to living your life , new city new meetings lots to adjust too , but please keep going back . Do it for you . your worth it . You will make new friends all u need to do is reach out and take a chance , tell people where your at so they can help in fact u have already done that by comming here. This room and board are great but nothing like the majic of f2f meetings . Louise
I totally understand about not finding good meetings- I just did a geographic myself and SO LOVED my meetings in Hawaii and was SO BUMMED by the meetings in Ohio...let me tell you, I felt like I was walking into the scene in Deliverance where the hillbillies r' comin' out of the woods, hehe.
I stayed close to my Sponsor in Hawaii even though she was 6 time zones difference away and stuck close to this board and the literature and a couple of close program friends back there. I signed up for a tai chi class, went running daily and got into a super healthy food/exercise and sleep routine and STUCK TO IT like my life depended on it (because it DID). I ate no sugar (I crave it), dairy or wheat, I got leaner and meaner than I have ever been and I felt GREAT physically.
I made my life ALL about me and no one else. I worked, ate, ran, slept, did tai chi, meditated, talked to program people & sponsor when I could.
I went back to a couple of meetings I had hated before. I did a meeting a day driving all over the place. I went back to one meeting in particular and kept going back even through I HATED IT (I am not lying). One time, at that particular meeting the most astonishing woman walked in. She was so incredible in her share I had to go up to her and get her number and give her mine. This was only a month ago. I am thinking she is going to be my new (local) sponsor.
I get this thing that happens visually with people. People who have a funny kind of 'halo' to them become pivotal people in my life (for better or worse but usually for better). This woman definitely had it. I know that she and I have some stuff to do together somehow...and I am warming up to that meeting and they are warming up to me...a womens 4th step group just started that meets after that meeting and I have joined. Its been good so far.
No, no meeting is going to be like my lovely leisurely beautiful Hawaii meetings next to the ocean with the trades blowing sweet attended by people from all over the face of the earth...now they are in horrible dark dingy church basements but I am beginning to love these nasty-ass basements finally. Its beginning to look like a diamond in the rough so hang in there and just keep going. And most importantly invest in yourself as much as possible- you know what is good for you- just do it. hugs, J.
You know what to do and now you have more support while doing it. Get the fear and apathy out along with the self pity and never give up for today. I have never believed that a relapse means total memory loss. You know what coming home looks and sounds like. Let's here what your next face to face meeting sounded like for you.
