The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a problem with letting go and letting God.
Don’t get me wrong, I consider myself a very religious person and I love, trust and believe in God with all of my heart.
I guess the part that confuses me is the letting God do part.
I have been raised to believe that God works through me.
I believe that my initiative, and stubbornness and drive all come from God.
For many years God has provided for us, but not while I sat back and watched, I had to kick and scratch to get the things we needed.
If it was money, I had to manipulate the finances to pay the bills and ask for extra hours at work. I have been very fortunate, the answers where always there for me to find, but I had to look hard.
When we where buying our house, I was told we would never get what we wanted in our price range, I had to keep at it and keep looking and hunting, through realtors, newspapers, foreclosures, and ad books, to find our house. Then the mortgage company said no. I had letters written and took an extra job as a waitress and made extra for a down payment. Then I made a deal with the seller and we worked it out. It took over three months, but I knew that this was our house and I would not let go. My Inlaws said stop, it wasn’t meant to be. I knew it was, and it did happen, yes with the help of God, but also with a lot of hard work. My house now provides us with an affordable roof over our head. With real-estate the way it is, rent for something half the size would cost twice as much.
The choices are out there, and God does not make them, I do. I might pray for guidance, but I make my own decisions with the mind he gave me. When those decisions are wrong, it is my fault, not Gods.
If my husband had a different disease, I would look for whatever treatment I could find for him. I would make phone calls, Doctors appointment and get second to fiftieth opinions before I gave up on him.
My neighbors husband had what they where told was a terminal heart problem, no one would operate because of it and the added problem of his being over weight. They told her three years ago that he had seen his last Christmas. She kept at it, she found a Doctor out West who would perform the surgery out there. Insurance wouldn’t cover it, and she mortgaged everything and ran up every charge to get them out there and get him the surgery. Okay they are now hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, but he is alive and hopefully will celebrate many more Christmases. It wasn’t in Gods hands, she kept pushing. God got him through the surgery and gave her the sheer stubbornness to find the Doctor.
In my heart I believe if my husband and I where not together he would be dead by now. He had 2 serious accidents and five DWI’s before I came into the picture. Okay, stupid me, what was I thinking. I should have ran in the other direction, but I didn’t.
I love the idiot. I don’t know why, maybe I am a glutton for punishment. I know he is childish, self-centered, and a complete jerk most of the time, but I love him with everything I have in me.
While I can be reasonably happy and I can manage on my own without him. I am only truly happy when I am in his arm. If that makes me a fool, then I am, but God gave me this heart, and the ability to love with all of it, and I don’t love lightly but when I do, it is fully.
So how do I sit back and let him waste away at his parents house? How do I leave that up to God. My God has always made me fight with everything he has provided me with to get the things I need. How can this be different? Then again I cannot let him come home drinking, it is wrong for the kids.
He says he loves me, he says he wants to come home, he says he doesn’t want to give up on this marriage. Then he blames me for everything. When he stews, he keeps drinking, he won’t hit bottom, his parents will not let that happen, they will keep letting him stay just above it, comfortable and miserable at the same time. They will also keep reinforcing that he is not to blame I am. Not because they are horrible, but because it is what they do and they will not change.
While I realize that there is nothing I can do to make him stop drinking. I have problems leaving it to God.
I cannot even help him to find his bottom, as his parents have him protected from that. Anything I do to make him uncomfortable, they fix. I don’t believe it is Gods will for his parents to continue enabling him, but no one will ever convince them to stop. God is not putting up that wall, they are.
I feel like while I cannot make him stop, I have to keep looking for ways to make him see what his drinking has been doing to him. I have to keep trying to get him to open up his eyes and seek help.
Other families try to force bottom with an intervention. In our case it will not work, as he always has the safety of his mother and father to intervene.
So if you look at it that way, maybe his parents are working against God, by keeping him comfortable so he can drink. Maybe I am the one who is working against God by fighting his drinking and wanting him to feel pain.
Gods will cannot be the same with different people and different purposes, can it?
I believe that my husband is my mate, for life,(or is meant to be) I believe that with him is where I am supposed to be. Doesn’t that mean I have to be willing to work for it.
Okay, I know I sound confused, but I have been thinking.
I feel like while I cannot make him stop, I have to keep looking for ways to make him see what his drinking has been doing to him. I have to keep trying to get him to open up his eyes and seek help.
Hi Jeannie,
You are certainly a very driven person to get what you want.
i can very much relate to your post. After my husband got fired 3 years ago I worked extra long hours and jumped at every hard project at work and have been rewarded with money.
I went through so much agony last year looking into rehab cenetrs, looking into the law of getting him committed for treatment etc.
I have come to the conclusion, through prayer and the help of my alanon family that my husbands drinking is not mine to fix.
Somehow some way God's hand is in my life.
I see it now even in these painful days of drunk and disorderely behaviour...
God's will is strong and like layers of an onion the purpose of this pain is being revealed:
After my email to my family telling them of my life with an alcoholic my sister in TX called me to tell me she is living with a sex addict and we had a very good heart to heart talk about loving someone who has a mental probelm. I see God's hand in that conversation. It would not have happened without alanon...
I am taking more control of myself and realizing the infinite options available to me. God through my alanon work is opening my eyes.
MY A? I have given him up to God as far as getting treatment or quitting drinking.
That is not my problem to fix.... as much as I spent hours and hours last year searching for a "CURE" for him....
Take care Jeannie, another gorgeous day hear. I type from work and will head to the park soon to ride my bike, a good day to be outdoors..
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
We should NEVER stop persisting in what we believe in our hearts to be true and the love that God gives us is the ONLY truth that matters. :))) Just stay in focus with your heart-- you say you love this man with all your heart, despite everything that is occuring with the disease of alcoholism, then go with your heart and where you get your most peace. With or without him. ONLY you know. In my experience in discovering God and how He answers prayers in most cases throughout my life, it has been when I was persistent and asked over and over again that those prayers were answered. However, I've also learned from that what it really taught me is to be careful what I pray for.... because sometimes those prayers are answered and then we discover hardship comes along with them. ALL God's way of helping us grow as an individual I believe. This is where the let go and let God comes in..... Ya see, if we continually persist in prayer of the things we need and want, God listens and in most cases gives that to us in different ways. If you haven't read this in the past, I'd like to share something with you and everyone else that sums it all up.
I Asked For and God Gave
I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brain to work.
I asked for courage and God gave me dangers to overcome.
I asked for patience God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.
I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favours and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted I received everything I needed.
My Prayers Have Been Answered.
God is truly amazing and at times we can all be stubborn and foolish, BUT ONLY He works EVERYTHING for good in His time. It's awesome that you can love your a as much as you do, as I love my ex a as well and always will. He will ALWAYS be a part of my heart. Unfortunately though, I just couldn't find the strength to go on in the relationship and in turn found myself wanting God in my life desparately, which isn't so bad now that He is first. Perhaps that is why I had to make that choice to end my relationship-- to grow stronger in my relationship with God. In church today, the Pastor said that if we suffer and are in pain for doing something in our heart we know is right, which this being the case, I love my ex a, then we are truly blessed. However, if we suffer and are in pain for doing something that is wrong, then it is not Gods way for us. It is up to us to strengthen that relationship with God to determine whether what we feel in pain and suffering is due to a blessing from God.
Recently, the letting go letting god saying wasn't working for me. So, I took on the one word thinking to just "Surrender". That word seemed to take a load off my mind. For me, to surrender means to not even think about my daughter. I wonder if that will work for you now. He is away, out of the house, so for now just don't think about him. When situations arise in your mind a person can also write it down and put it in a box. Maybe call it a surrender box or let go let god box. It seemed like your post had way too much thinking in it about the A and about the past. It is good to vent. Re-read your post. How much of it is about him and his disease? I think weekends are especially hard. And your recent counseling meeting with him had to bring up lots of emotions in you. No one knows what their bottoms are. It is really none of our business. We just need to take care of us. Concentrate on you and your kids. Your A may be hanging out at his parents without a care in the world. Are you sure you want to give away so much energy when he is probably relaxing and not thinking of anything but maybe what is on tv? Just a thought. Hang in and keep on posting. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Yep, that was me...God gave me strength, stubbornness, courage...etc. But with alcoholism, I always lost. That was the one thing I had to come to terms with. It is one area of my life that I am totally powerless. (Oh, and I've added a few more things to the list since then). I've learned it is not my job to carry all the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's OK to give some of my burdens for God's/HP's huge shoulders. What a relief! This hasn't happened overnight for me. I slowly had to let go of stubbornness. My way was best because I had written my own happy ending. Each day I gave away to my HP a little of my stubbornness, will, bull-headedness, etc.
Today, I see it more as , I still have all those qualities, to do good for people, those who want the help and will be grateful and appreciative--not used, abused, taken advantage of, etc. I have also learned I need to start doing good for me--I am only going to get older (49 now).
My opinion it is hard. It is very hard. My AA has had two slips. I have been reading these posts and they say live your life and let them live theirs. Well I tried it the last time my AA decided to do what he wanted to do. So I said ok I will drive you there and pick you up when you are through, He called me and I picked him up. I didn't yell or cry. But when I was alone I thought I was going to have a breakdown. The next day he went back to AA and even chaired the meeting. He said he wanted to test himself and see if he could stop at one. He later told me he drunk 30 beers and still wanted more.
I hope this time he will stop. He has a AA friend and his wife said it took 3 DUI's and a look at prison time and not being around for his girls, he put himself thru rehab and then went to AA on his own to get help.
It's a ongoing battle and it's something I never thought I would have gone thru with him. He was really into church. He was in the choir and was up for deacon but everybody thought 23 was too young to be a deacon. I think that put a bad taste in his mouth. He loves the Lord in fact that's all I hear about when he is drunk out of his mind. I didn't luck out and have a passed out drunk I have a hyper drunk who talks crazy mess and tries to burn our house down and kill himself.
So I agree it's hard but prayer and the Lord will intervene in his own time and that's what makes it so hard.
