The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And I was OK!!! So, I am new to Al-anon, I have posted once here and have been to 4 meetings. I went to a meeting on Wednesday and they were reading about slogans. On the drive home, I started thinking about why One Day at a Time is hard for me. I realized that from the time I was very small I was taught by my parents to PLAN for the future. My revelation about myself was that I was taking that so literally and thinking I have to PLAN everything. And I can't....I can plan my wedding, or the number of kids I'll have or for my retirement but I can't plan for everything. When I obsess about the future, I am just spinning my wheels. I also realized I don't have to subscribe to everything my parents did, even though they are the best parents I know. So I can live One Day at a Time and be OK. The other thing that happened was also good. My AH and I had been talking in the early evening about our relationship and then we both left to go to our respective meetings. When my AH got home, he brought me flowers which filled me with warm fuzzies to no end . I was excited to share a little about what I got from my meeting as it was directly related to our earlier conversation. He said he had a very powerful meeting as well so I asked him to share if he wanted to. He did and then asked me about my meeting. I said, "Well, it was very eyeopening as it was related to what we were discussing earlier!" He said, "Wow, how did you manage to manipulate that into happening?" I felt very hurt and upset and the wind was taken out of my sail. BUT only momentarily!!! I quietly got up and went into the bathroom and got ready for bed, thinking about what I would say. When I got into bed, he said, "Well, aren't you going to tell me about your meeting?" And I said, "No, I don't believe I want to talk about it anymore." He asked if I was mad. I said, "No, not mad but I am hurt by your comment about manipulation." He started to try to rationalize it, saying it was a joke, he didn't mean it, I was being too sensitive...blah, blah, blah. I remained quiet and didn't try to justify myself or argue or defend. I just stayed quiet. After he was done, he said, very simply, I am sorry. Very new and different for me. Well, and for him as well. But I was mostly impressed with me , LOL. I never did share with him about the meeting but will if he asks me to later. I just think that I have been trying to absorb so much and reading as much as I can, that growth comes without even being aware of it. I was delighted to realize what I had done as I re-thought it. It gives me strength to repeat the behavior as it felt good. Thanks, Kathy
What a growth share. I can almost tell what your alcoholic went thru as a consequence of your honesty and self care. Apologizing for a wrong done is a tussle with the ego and the best tussle there is. It won't kill him and if done correctly he will grow from it. What you did is also what was taught me kinda, sorta in program. Great share. Mahalo (thanks) (((((hugs)))))
I personally wouldn't share my meeting stuff with my A significant other (if I had one) b/c our issues are so different -- idk I can see how it could create personality & ego conflicts -- just not worth it, IMHO.
Keep working it! Way to go!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks, Jerry! Thanks, Kitty! Would you be willing to elaborate a bit more about not sharing meeting stuff? I am curious. My AH's sobriety came about due to an unfortunate decision on his part to mix alcohol with his antidepressants. The resulting blackout creating a very long, painful night for all involved and culminated in his arrest for disorderly conduct. He awoke in jail covered with vomit and strapped to a restraint chair unable to remember the events of the past 12 hours. The resulting court drama, financial strain, pain from living with an A for 16 yrs. really took a toll on me. While in counseling, I was told by AH that he would handle the repercussion of it all, that I was "officially excused" from participating in the aftermath. He started attending AA and an outpatient program and for the first couple months, I truly was unavailable to him. As the pain and the anger died a bit, I started to engage more but was always rebuffed. About four months into sobriety, he took up an emotional affair with a girl from his AA group which lasted about 3 more months before I found out. One of his reasons for this behavior was that I "wasn't there for him". So funny how I thought I was given permission to not participate but then was an easy target to blame for his unreasonable behavior. Head games. All in all, made us both see what our parts are in not communicating as a couple. So in trying to heal the relationship, we have been making a real effort to communicate appropriately. Talking about our programs is part of that and works for us right now, but I am still curious about your thoughts. Thanks, Kathy
Obviously this is just my own opinion based on my own unique experiences, but here goes: ok - like u sd, he told u he would "handle it" on his own -- and u willing to do as requested backed off but then he blamed you for not being there for him & this was his excuse for the emotional affair he had. It just seems that when we're doomed no matter what we do b/c the A's tendency is this disease is to blame us not taking responsiblity for his own self/actions. You can be there for him & listen to all he has to say but I wouldn't try to explain to him what issues & stuff you're dealing with -- for one, it distracts him from his program -- especially in early sobriety - they say the first year is all aobut the A getting in touch with his feelings again. They can't relate or understand yours. Just coming to terms with self is a lot to do. -- two, in my experiences when I give information about my feelings to my A's - they end up using that information against me later, always, always. If sharing program is working for you, by all means do it, this program is all about discovering what works for us as individuals. Or be vague & very positive when sharing with him.
For me, for years, I really wanted to impress upon my A's exactly how they hurt me but I know now there is no way they are ever really going to understand. I finally let that notion go and just got busy focusing on me.
If I were in your shoes & my AH told me that it was my fault that he had this emotional affair, I think I would go totally ballistic & said that is total BS! His actions - his responsibility, it's like they are trying to say they dont have a brain. I dont know why it has to be like a weapon with them or why the games but that's just how they think.
Focus on you & be gentle & kind to yourself. It is hard for us to learn that we aren't supposed to take on each other's stuff but that is what happens in alcoholic homes, we become emotionally enmeshed.
I've been betrayed at every turn by my A's, today I simply will not give them any ammunition anymore. I am certainly not saying that you shouldn't share at all, I just wouldnt share deep emotional stuff that ur working out, that's all. He will naturally feel responsible, take it in & be off focus of his own program. It just becomes confusing & there already are blurred boundaries. You are learning to focus on you - not him & set healthy boundaries for yourself. I hope that makes sense. Like I sd, u have to do what works for you -- take what u like & leave the rest.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Only one of the reasons for not sharing my program when I was new was because I was new and inexperienced with the principles of the program. We had Al-Anon meetings at the same place and time as AA meetings and it was just too easy to break someone's anonymity and also cause unintentional problems between the members and inside of the fellowship. It happens...I once had an A call me after his wife had attended a meeting I was at and threaten my life (happened a couple of times.) If you can relate to the insanity that goes on inside of this disease you can also relate that we are and can be the "carriers" of it. I learned to have conversations regarding topics I heard in a meeting but never said where I heard it. I know how important anonymity is to the safety of my fellow members and it is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions.
Thanks, Kitty for responding. It is a silly little game, the "blame game". But I can see it for what it is, at least in this particular situation, so I work hard at not buying into it. I do understand what you're saying about sharing of our programs and I definitely don't want to distract him. You are so right on in saying he is trying to get in touch with his own feelings. I have to laugh at myself in thinking that once the alcohol was gone, he'd be a new man. Umm, not. But he now has 9 months of sobriety, and working his program earnestly for about 4 months now with a sponsor, so its a step. I'll take care of me, learn and grow. Hopefully, out of all that there will still be a marriage. We'll see. Thanks again, Kathy
kitty wrote:
Obviously this is just my own opinion based on my own unique experiences, but here goes: ok - like u sd, he told u he would "handle it" on his own -- and u willing to do as requested backed off but then he blamed you for not being there for him & this was his excuse for the emotional affair he had. It just seems that when we're doomed no matter what we do b/c the A's tendency is this disease is to blame us not taking responsiblity for his own self/actions. You can be there for him & listen to all he has to say but I wouldn't try to explain to him what issues & stuff you're dealing with -- for one, it distracts him from his program -- especially in early sobriety - they say the first year is all aobut the A getting in touch with his feelings again. They can't relate or understand yours. Just coming to terms with self is a lot to do. -- two, in my experiences when I give information about my feelings to my A's - they end up using that information against me later, always, always. If sharing program is working for you, by all means do it, this program is all about discovering what works for us as individuals. Or be vague & very positive when sharing with him.
For me, for years, I really wanted to impress upon my A's exactly how they hurt me but I know now there is no way they are ever really going to understand. I finally let that notion go and just got busy focusing on me.
If I were in your shoes & my AH told me that it was my fault that he had this emotional affair, I think I would go totally ballistic & said that is total BS! His actions - his responsibility, it's like they are trying to say they dont have a brain. I dont know why it has to be like a weapon with them or why the games but that's just how they think.
Focus on you & be gentle & kind to yourself. It is hard for us to learn that we aren't supposed to take on each other's stuff but that is what happens in alcoholic homes, we become emotionally enmeshed.
I've been betrayed at every turn by my A's, today I simply will not give them any ammunition anymore. I am certainly not saying that you shouldn't share at all, I just wouldnt share deep emotional stuff that ur working out, that's all. He will naturally feel responsible, take it in & be off focus of his own program. It just becomes confusing & there already are blurred boundaries. You are learning to focus on you - not him & set healthy boundaries for yourself. I hope that makes sense. Like I sd, u have to do what works for you -- take what u like & leave the rest.
Yikes, Jerry, how scary! I can say with all honesty that I have never crossed the anonimity boundary. It sounds like I am doing OK because I do stick to topics heard but as they relate to me or to us. I do think the more vague but positive approach Kitty suggested will work better for me now, if I do ever share with him again. I have to laugh that he would think I am so powerful I could manipulate a meeting to my issue after attending this particular meeeting only twice. Powerful??? I could barely squeak out my name . Thanks, Kathy
. I was excited to share a little about what I got from my meeting as it was directly related to our earlier conversation. He said he had a very powerful meeting as well so I asked him to share if he wanted to. He did and then asked me about my meeting. I said, "Well, it was very eyeopening as it was related to what we were discussing earlier!" He said, "Wow, how did you manage to manipulate that into happening?" I felt very hurt and upset and the wind was taken out of my sail. BUT only momentarily!!! I quietly got up and went into the bathroom and got ready for bed, thinking about what I would say. When I got into bed, he said, "Well, aren't you going to tell me about your meeting?" And I said, "No, I don't believe I want to talk about it anymore." He asked if I was mad. I said, "No, not mad but I am hurt by your comment about manipulation." He started to try to rationalize it, saying it was a joke, he didn't mean it, I was being too sensitive...blah, blah, blah. I remained quiet and didn't try to justify myself or argue or defend. I just stayed quiet. After he was done, he said, very simply, I am sorry. Very new and different for me. Well, and for him as well. But I was mostly impressed with me 
, LOL. I never did share with him about the meeting but will if he asks me to later. I just think that I have been trying to absorb so much and reading as much as I can, that growth comes without even being aware of it. I was delighted to realize what I had done as I re-thought it. It gives me strength to repeat the behavior as it felt good. Thanks, Kathy