The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A picked up again last Friday night. He got paid for a half month and today the money is gone. After being sober since mid-December, he's once again in the grips. It seems like he does this dance twice a year, minimum - spring and fall. And I'm resisting the urge to help him. He's got an arrest warrant out in one town for failing to appear in court, and when another court finds out about that, his probation will no doubt be violated and he'll go to jail.
He's at a hotel but has no money left; he's definitely not coming here to stay. Last night on the phone he asked me what I could do to help him. I said I could call 911 and have them help him to detox. He wasn't ready. I won't call him today. I've got the phone on vibrate so the kids won't hear if he does call.
My oldest daughter (9, almost 10 and emotionally far too young for Alateen) was crushed when she realized what was going on. She had state standardized testing in school this week and was sick all three days with a stomach ache. I got her to school yesterday to make up two of them, but only by staying in the building with her, and I'll probably have to do the same thing Monday for the third. She's just started counseling and I'm hopeful that will help her handle some of her anxiety. She wanted to drive around looking for him last weekend.
When Dad didn't answer the phone last weekend (because he was in jail) my son (also in counseling) immediately thought his father had committed suicide.
My 6 year old (waiting for a counselor) just wants to see her Daddy.
But the man in that hotel, that drunk, is not their father. He's under there somewhere; I know that. But I won't allow his actions to ruin another weekend for my children, particularly Easter weekend.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change those I can and The wisdom to know the difference.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) to you and your kids.
I was your daughter. I spent more time in the nurses office in elementary school than I did in class. The anxiety was overwhelming.
But unlike you, my mother just ignored me and abused me because of my anxiety.
I would have been a great canidate for home schooling. I really had no business being such a basket case and being in school. The "adults" in my life should have taken care of me.
Like you are doing for your kids. You are amazing. Keep up the good work.
Yes he is under there somewhere. If you go to face to face meetings they might have the Alateen daily readers as a part of their literature stock. Ask them if they do and get one for your daughter. They also have other literature that your daughter could be helped with in reading and therefore understanding.
Continue to resist the compulsion to fix and enable. This is where the detachment starts and you start going on with your life. He's not bad...very sick. Dear God help him to search you out and ask for help thereby helping himself.
I've still got the phone on vibrate, and so far I haven't picked up any of the 13 calls he's made. He hasn't left a message yet, which tells me he wants to ask for something, not share information. It's started raining here, of course, so I feel like a witch for leaving him out in the rain tonight. And to top it off, I've gotten two messages from his new employer. These people have no idea he's an alcoholic - he just disappeared yesterday and didn't show up for work today. They're concerned. I'm not sure what to tell them. I hate to leave them wondering, but it's not really my place to tell them he's drinking.
The kids had fun playing outside today and coloring Easter eggs. It actually hit 70 here in New England! We had a mini baseball game going on in the driveway for a while. It was nice to just have them play at home today.
Off to get the kids to bed, then I have hours of work to get done (I work at home, and with them off for Good Friday, I've gotten none done today - or this week, for that matter, with my oldest home sick.)
I am so grateful to have this site to let this stuff out. We live with my mom and I can't talk to her about anything, because everything I do in her eyes is wrong... thank you all for being here.
Linda
-- Edited by lmw on Friday 10th of April 2009 06:39:53 PM
Excellent for you, putting you & your kids as the first priority. Leaving ur AH's stuff with him is the best thing u can do for you & him. He'll get back to his employer eventually or he won't. You're right, u dont need to explain anything on his behalf.
I am also happy for you & ur kids that you are getting some therapy all around. I grew up acoa & know how devastating the thoughts are, that somehow you are responsible for your parents, their marriage, et cetera. I would have been a good canditate for therapy as a child - but I found it on my own as a teenager. By that time I already had so many deep issues. Today, I'm just happy to have the growth that I do have.
Keep up the good work & Happy Easter!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Linda- Thank you so much for sharing. Your dedication to your children is touching and inspiring. Children grow up living in the face of alcoholism and addiction when both parents are completely submerged in the cycle and crazy games. Your commitment to their well being is touching. I felt tears come to my eyes reading this and the struggles of your young children, needing to worry about their father. These are realities and hardships that nearly all families deal with in the face of this disease, but it takes the strength, love and dedication of one parent to show these children that their father's illness has NOTHING to do with them as people. You sound like an incredible mother.
Your decission to not rescue just may be the one that saves his life . Until we stop giving them a soft landing nothing will change ,why should it ? we always save them for themselves . It dawned on my yrs ago that my enabling was actually helping him to drink longer , now that made me mad !! Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change , except it will get worse . Allowing them the dignity to do thier life ( thier way ) was the hardest thing I have ever don in my llife . hang in there take care of you and kids . Hope u all enjoy the Easter Bunny . Louise
