Which situation is harder to deal with; spouce or children - Al-Anon Family Group

clara · Senior Member

Which situation is harder to deal with; spouce or children

deserve_more · Member

I have no children - never wanted the responsibility, so I can only speak to the spouse part.

The 'til you part thing makes it very difficult. After almost 19 yrs (august) I think about how easily could I walk away except for the darned vows thing. The before God part is something in my heart and not before man so I don't have to justify myself that way. But he (AH) promised certain things to me when we got married. And he (AH) is not fulfilling those vows. There has been no honor and respect for too long...

But after 20 rs, it is not easy to walk away from so much 'trash'.

I can't imagine facing this toward a child.

deserve_more

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Clara,

I have had the experience of living with an alcoholic husband and an alcoholic child.
I found living with the alcoholism of a child much harder.

I deleted most of my posting as I felt it did not reflect hope and my true belief in this program.

I will say that I am grateful to alanon for supporting me thru both.

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 10th of April 2009 09:22:19 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Clara!!

From my experiences and communications with my HP.   If my HP as I have come to
understand my HP has given me in HP's unconditional love,all of the time, abilities,
and facilities to make my life into a example of HP's will for me how could and/or
would I want to do any different for others around me?   I loved my spouses and
children and didn't stand in the way of the consequences of their choices. That is
as I see it the same thing my HP (my "Father") has done for me. Here is something
I heard and learned in recovery. You might already know it. "The life I have is God's
gift to me.   What I do with it is my gift to God." I believe I am responsible and I
don't take recognition for the gifts only for the use.

I don't regret helping other either. Most of the help I do today is supporting
others back to the connection between them and their HP's will.

I am sad with you about loosing your son. I have lost many family members to
this disease, lots of loving relationships, lots of recovery relationships where the other person died sober after being a welcomed part in my life. The lost after
they are sober and supportive is much more easier to accept than the other.

(((((hugs))))) smile

blender_girl · Senior Member

((((clara))))

It all stinks.

That being said, it's bad enough with a spouse, but I absolutely cannot imagine what it would be like if any of my kids developed this disease. For me, I think it would be even more heart breaking.

Glad you're here,

bg

Gerard · Newbie

I get a lot of help for myself at meeting where God gives me serenity

lmw · Senior Member

I've only seen the spouse side; I can't imagine my children going through this hell and being able to let it happen. Hopefully after watching their father's descent into alcohlism they'll learn to stay away from drugs and alcohol.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Clara.

Linda

-- Edited by lmw on Friday 10th of April 2009 10:01:22 AM

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think there is a comparison, even though the disease is the same the feelings are completely different.
It's kind of like asking would you rather lose your Mother or your sister. Both would be awful, and are.

Christy

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

I went through many years doing the dance of insanity with my AD, especially since there were grandchildren involved. I finally came to a place where I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt.

Although she no longer has custody, she still has them a great deal, and I learned that no matter what I did, how crazy I drove myself, how much worrying I did, it did not change the outcome.

I finally surrendered and turned her over to my HP.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in my HP's loving hands, and he is doing his work with her, regardless of what my eyes 'think' that they may see.

((((((hugs))))))

barisax · Senior Member

I don't think I could answer that question because it has never been just one. I've had a parent, uncle, child, mother in law, boss, sister in law, and friends. Everything except spouse. Out of all that, today I know I would not tolerate an active alcoholic spouse.

My ex-wife had a parent, child, sister, and two husbands. She is fine, just ask her.. LOL. The problems are all someone else's.

I can tell you this: A not living with you is easier than A living with you.

Barisax

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I could see how it could be harder with a child b/c they are your creation & I think the guilt would be extra difficult to let go of being codependent & trying to feel responsible. You can't really give up on ur own child but divorce is so common & easy. I agree with the others here, it sucks either way.

Now, when I begin to worry about anyone, since I'm helpless anyway & the disease is between each one of us individually & HP -- I pray & give them over -- somedays I have to do it over & over. Then I remind myself that my only job, is to work on me, focus on me, be grateful & live the best life I can.

Thanks for the post & hope u hang in there & keep coming back.

Dale · Veteran Member

leting her fall may be the best thing for her, she needs to feel the consciqunces of her actions

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