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WOW... I can honestly say that I have not been this "strungout" in as long as I can remember, I can not focus on any one things for my mind will not let go of currant surroundings, today I went to town to just "Walk around" in Circles more or less because I didn't really need anything but Dog food but ended up in about 6 differant stores... For No Reason, I just could not be HOME... I truly love my home I do, but it is HERE that everything happens, at least this week...
My Mom God love her, is in line to loose her job, she gets no compation from her BF of 25 years, because He don't care he is retiring this year... Maybe he will care when they can't eat...She looks horrible, and I don't know what I can do to make her feel better, she has made herself so sick over this, she is lucky to get her head out of a bucket for an hour or two... She had to use up her vacation days before they took them from her, so now all she does it worry... And well Today... She Got Roped into taking my Abrother to Court for all his traffic Charges from last year... They gave him (4) DAYS in Jail for about 15 tickets in one day... They are making him serve, (2) Weekends in Jail... that is it... Makes me sick just thinking about it...My mom you can't even speak his name without her cry'n because she is just so disappointed in his actions... My mom has worked her Butt off for us kids all her life, and she took HIM Out of the Alcoholic Home when he was 3 so he was NEVER around it... But you would think he was raised souly by my Afather.... Who had nothing to do with him till he could sit on a bar stool next to him...
Still no news on if baby sisters wants or don't want the trailer, and honestly I don't care... I have lost all feelings on the matter and I am completely Numb to it all... I have (6) Weekly readers now, and can not make it thru (1) Paragraph, and understand what it is that I read, I can not focus, I have let my "Very Little" work that I have slip, I have not been able to get my head out of the sand... I have never felt this emotionally Whooped that I can remember, and if I was... It did not last for a WEEK...I am use to recovering at least 24 hours later, and this I can not get my wind back... I know it is effectiong my Son, My Husband, And the People I love, I feel like all I do Is Fight, Complain, fight some more, complain, fight with someone else about this deal, complain some more... I don't know how to get out of this rut I am in, eating has become a past time that I just can do... I have tried eating all day today, and every time I do, I feel like I should Run to the bathroom... I know it is nerves but without being able to concentrate on any one things.. I just Can't...
My best friend just called me crying her eyes out, her son was diagnosed with Extreme By-Polar disorder, he is 16, the doctors said were he is in his mind right now, he may never be able to be Out on his own, for he can not comprehend his next move, and when he does, he can not remember what or why it happened, they have him drug beyond belief... it troubles me alot because I raised him his first 5 years of his life, and I just don't have the words a Best Friend should have for her this week... I have NOTHING to GIVE...
Then... My Husband had a rash that he complained about for 2 weeks, I begged him to just go to the doctor, but he has an appointment coming up next week, said he would just wait till then, well he has not slept in 5 days, which means he has been a bear with a sore A@@ for the last week as well...Well I SNAPPED this morning and told him... If you don't see a Doctor TODAY... Don't let me hear you Breathe another word about it... it is horrible, he has been "Self" diagnosing him self for poison, well that was the worst thing he could do, for he has "Shingles"... Which is only contagous I hear to those that haven't have chicken pocs.. Well Our Son has not had them, Our Grandchildren Have not had them and Easter is in 3 days...
I just don't know which way to turn, I think If I could stick my head in the sand maybe it will just go away, but I know it wont...I just want it OVER With already... I want to get back to being that Serene person I once was ... Before all this chaos... I need a TIME OUT... I need a Break, something... I can't just pack up and go somewere for we own a business, and my son still has school... I just don't know what to do...
I did get off my meds last week, and maybe that is part of the "Down" Feeling too, but when I got off them EVERYTHING was Great... That was a week ago... How can it go from that good to this bad so fast... How can I go from working my program, and doing all the right steps, and letting Go & letting God, and One Day at A time, when now, I couldn't tell you what my name is if you ask me too quick...
Even when I was out at the stores tonight, I seen half dozen people I know... I was ducking and hiding from them all for I did not have the energy to look at them, let alone have an adult conversation... My SIL is keeping my boy tonight, and that is a blessing, because I don't want him to see me this way... of have to put up with me, just because I keep thinking... Tomorrow I will get up and get my wind back... I have tried keeping busy.. BUT I CANT FOCUS.. On Nothing.. I haven't been cooking meals, I haven't been cleaning my house, I haven't been doing my work in the office, I can Barely get to the mail box which is right across the street... I just don't know were to go from here... And/Or How too ... Lost Soul I Suppose...
I have a F2F meeting tomorrow night, however I don't know that I can go there and hash it all for I don't think I would be much help to anyone... I don't know what to do...And I don't think the meeting would be long enough... or were I would begin... I am just sooo Lost...
Hey Jozie... First...getting off your medz, I thought my medz were a life saver a few years ago. But about 2 years ago, I quit taking them. I decided that I need HP more in my life than a PHSYC doctor. And I was right so far....nothing has changed. Next...everything else, PHEWSH! That's alot. I have learned to just stop and say, I am not interested in the drama. Or, please stop, I can't handle what is on my plate right now, more or less your plate. LOL, i have to laugh about something that recently happened. My A MOM called me, she needed something, as i was emailing her what she wanted, she asked me to fax something to someone, and while i was faxing it, she asked me to do something else. Well, it was all electronic and easy enough for me and it wasn't a big deal. THEN she asked me to go over and set her cell phone so that she can see who is calling before she answers the phone. (mind ya, i bought her the cell phone too) ANYWAY...I said to her...MOM, you are at your limit. You are all maxed out. I can only do 3 things for you a day, so the fax, email and other thing was your limit. AND tomorrow is Sunday and I only help myself on Sunday. SO about the phone issue, I don't know how to fix the phone, I will have to look in the handbook that came with it to figure it out. AND since you are such an intellegent woman Mom, I am sure you can figure it out as well. Her reply was.....tooochaaaayyyyy. Sometimes you just gotta let those people know that they are at their limit. Good Luck, Tonya
I am so sorry you are feeling so down. Now is the time to try to use the simple tools of the program. You have been under a great deal of stress lately and this could be the result. Grieving your father, worrying about your brother and his children, father's estate and now your mother would overwhelm anyone.
Please try to keep it simple. If you cannot concentrate just repeat a slogan over and over in your head. Rest, walk, and call your doctor and explain how you feel one week off the meds.
Remember to keep repeating that we are poweless over people, places and things.
You're having it tough honey, take time out and do something just for you......find a quiet darkened room, light a candle and just STOP....lie down, do some deep breathing and relaxation exercises. Tell whoever is around you the 'do not disturb' sign is up, switch off the phones and take at least 15 minutes out.
I had a lot of turmoil recently which caused me physical pain in my back, my doc told me I was in 'fight or flight' mode, producing too much adrenalin and she gave me relaxation exercises to do....I do this everyday now...15 mins just for me.
You're doing fine - the simple fact that you came here and articulated all that was going on with you is tremendous. You recognize what's making you crazy - now it's time to do the next right thing.
Maybe all of this is a Step 1 moment for you - perhaps time to acknowledge all the stuff you are powerless over.
At any rate, I like what Ness suggested - do something just for YOU. Take your time out to regroup and figure out what that next right thing is.
When I find myself overwhelmed by the what ifs....and the need to control, I pull myself into the present moment. I literally have to say to myself, "I'm brushing my hair...or I'm doing the dishes". It breaks the obsessive cycle going on in my mind. Then I'm able to focus on the day only....one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.
I got on here this morning and seen ALL of my responses, and you all help me more then you know.. I have NEVER been very good at "Asking" for help, so this too is a new thing for me, and yes.. Growing up in an Alcoholic home, has been a very challenging thing in my life, but I did over come it...
And too, as my SIL SO Graciously PUT IT...lol... I shouldn't have quit my Meds, till I spoke to my Doc.. Alot of the moods I have been feeling I know are from the Stress of all of this, but I don't think quit'n them cold turkey was the way to go either...
So.. Today, the pain seems to have moved from my mind to my muscles, so I am hoping that too will ease up...I am doing the best I can with One Day At A Time, and Living in the Moment, That one is new to me as well, for I never thought to channel my brain to remind myself to what I was doing "In that Moment"... Never tryed that one, so hoping that helps as well...
Going to make the meeting tonight, even if it means, loosing all my strength again for a brief time, or just sitting there hoping that is enough peeps there to share and listen too... We have a very small group, some times we get 3 people, sometimes 8 but that is usually the limit to who all is there...
But thank you all for pushing me when I feel like Pulling away, and thank you all for taking time out of your life, to think and read about mine, I have tried to return the favor this week, but really had nothing to really offer...So didn't want to ruin it for anyone else, I know we ALL have our own burdens to bare, and mine at times are very Over whelming, however, I know there are those of you who have it alot worse then i...
And from that is were I grow, I grow learning from all of you... So thank you also for sharing your lives as well.. I know in al-anon, your/My "Post" & "Shares" are not to be about the A, but about Your Own Recovery... I haven't figured out HOW to seperate the two yet, but I am trying... For the way I see it, The "A's" are the problem, and mentally I know that is not true, but on the surface, it seems that way, most of my 'down' days... Sooo Hoping to turn it around, but may need just alittle more time, to figure it out...
THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART....
Love & Prayers To ALL :) Friends in Recovery Jozie
