The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My b/f & I had a misunderstanding last night. I'm not really sure what happened, we tried to talk about it - we were both confused. He made a comment which I perceived very negatively - at any rate, I got up walked in the other room & burst into tears. I was trying to logically understand why I was crying & I couldn't get very far. He came looking for me & asked me what was wrong. I knew he would ask me, he is a scientist & looks for logical answers. I too am very analytical & put logic onto my abstract & emotional mind/self. For me, doing this usually helps me to understand my feelings in a more methodical way.
When he met me, one of the major things he liked about me was how emotionally expresive I am b/c he felt like he wasn't good at that & wanted to learn how to be better.
Anyway, the best I could muster for my outburst of tears was that I was excited & vulnerable & talking about future plans ~ which is all new territory for me ~ I'm not a big planner anyway. He could accept that although it's hard for him to understand & the ways we speak, think, feel are different -- coming down to the simple physiology. I've explained to him & he knows that women's brain's bounce back n forth from each hemisphere -- men dont have this ability, they switch hemispheres (gears) slowly. It is why I can speak logically about my feelings.
He had a headache all day yesterday too ~ when I was in a lot of physical pain, I'd bite back, be mean & nasty w/out even trying.
He is scared about the future. He was let down by his first wife b/c she left him & didnt want kids. This is what we were talking about. A few months ago, I was dealing with fear about whether I could conceive or not b/c my mom started menopause right at 39 years old. I am 41 now. I reminded him that I was the one that brought up the fear of that & that I have worked it out. He is worried I will be a basket case if we can't conceive. He thinks I am running out of time. I told him, that is his fear & not to project it on me or our future. He seems to be more upset than I am.
I told him I will accept whatever happens when it happens but not before and I'm certaionly not going to doom my future ability. If god wants us to conceive we will, plain & simple.
Today I was tempted to sulk, give in, take in the negative like I always used to do. That is soul killing. I cannot take in that stuff anymore, into my precious soul. And I do not believe in a "punishing" god. I wont be ready to conceive for at least a year. If it isn't meant to be then, when I am ready, well it will take me that long as I see it.
Anyway, I got up, chose not to take it in & I already feel so much lighter.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks maresie, I was figuring the same thing. I'm not afraid I'll deal with what God sends me. He's already apologized for not being open to talking yesterday, he mad no excuses. He thinks I'm jumping ahead but that's ok. The child's life will be my responsibility, it's up to god if we even get there.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
wow, been there and could have written what you wrote when I was in my late 30's/early 40's.
It really heavy stuff and I tried really hard to fool myself into thinking otherwise. We got pregnant but I kept miscarrying which was incredibly painful. Today I am so grateful I did not have a child with that man, linking him to me through a thoroughly traumatized child for the rest of my life, binding me to him and to a situation that would have surely killed me. Not a day goes by that I do not thank HP for those miscarriages NOW. I am not saying that this is the same as your story but I am saying that this is some incredibly intense stuff so EASY DOES IT!!!
My story is long and panful and difficult and I am not going to go into it all but it sounds like you are on a good foundation taking it one day at a time. I did not have the presence of mind or a program at the time like you have now.
All I can say is that for women, aging is not for sissies as Betty Davis once said, I think. Hugs, J.
So I read this part of your share and I got hooked as I was supposed to; I've explained to him & he knows that women's brain's bounce back n forth from each hemisphere -- men dont have this ability, they switch hemispheres (gears) slowly. Maybe I was in my female minds when I was so crazy married to my alcoholic wife... Being analytical and a reacter my brain use to switch so fast I had to develope another personality just to handle the overload...LOL What I found out was that men don't do emotions very well and are mostly given to brain work. Your boyfriend is a scientist, a paid for professional thought dwelver and investigator. What he liked in you was that part missing in him...the emotion side...or as the women of Al-Anon taught me early on my "female side". I know, everyone has their own perceptions and opinions and that's good for perspectives in recovery. I use to believe at one point some of what you said...learned more and now have a very different perspective. It will probably alter or morph a bit more as I keep and open mind.
Today I was tempted to sulk, give in, take in the negative like I always used to do. That is soul killing. I cannot take in that stuff anymore, into my precious soul. And I do not believe in a "punishing" god.
Kitty- Thank you for sharing. I am new to the board - not to Alanon, but have RELAPSED into many of my old ways and patterns of behavior and ways of thinking. I am GRATEFUL this morning to read this post and to remind myself that I am the DECISION maker on what I allow to "kill my soul" which has become alot these days. I am not happy and I bathe in self-pity, feeling STUCK and TRAPPED in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic/addict whom I continue to fear relapse about tomorrow, years from now, etc.
Your post speaks to the part of me that must press forward if I want a life of RECOVERY for myself. That plain and simply, I cannot afford to be negative any longer, I am wasting moments of my life not seeing the beauty and hope and positive in each day.
