The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wanted to thank everyone for the responses to my last post. You are a wonderful group of loving people no doubt. My head is still in a complete fog and I can barely communicate any kind of sensible thought. Everything in my head is just going round in circles and I can't settle it down for any of it to make sense, I've never felt less sane. I feel like such a fool for ever getting into this situation to begin with. I KNEW what A's were like, I married and divorced one! I KNEW it was a nightmare, yet I believed every single word and fell into a massive mess. I didn't play the fool just once either, I went back and played it again with the same A!! I'm glad it's really over now,this last time around with his leading me on like he did completely destroyed any chance or hope I had. The trust could never be rebuilt now. A friend at work told me not to let my guard down because A will be back, even thought I told him I needed time and could not do this anymore. Friend believes by me saying that to A that I made myself all that much more appealing. Does the game ever end? There is a serenity in knowing that it's really over and I can't go back to crazy land anymore, but I do miss him and what I THOUGHT we had between us. I don't want to hate him, but right now I feel such resentment towards him for his childish, selfish behavior that I can't move past it. I pray in time I will because it will only hurt my life and future. I know HP is still there and hasn't left, I just do not have the energy to reach out to him at this point. Just tired, still so very tired and emotionally and mentally beat down worse than I can ever recall, getting up and getting to work is all I can muster....I head home and back to bed. thanks for listening.
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I know that feeling of total exhaustion. I, too, have had times when all I can do is get out of bed- go to work and then crawl back in. I really love my bed!!!!!
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "what I THOUGHT existed between us" because this is what I do. Its called magical thinking, I think. I pretend its this dreamy thing and then when its not, I freak. Its a kind of self-sabotage, for me. I need to remain in the here and now and in the real world as much as possible these days. Like I think Maresie has said, its not fun to be in the real world but its really all we actually have. That fantasy stuff is lala land. And I KNOW I needed lala land at one point in my life to cope- as a child. But its not doing me any good now. In fact, its making me miserable. I am lonely because nothing ever matches up to lala land and it never will and I know that...so its time for me to let lala land go. I am working on it, one day at a time. Some days are better than others.
What I am coming to learn is that I generate ALOT of my own pain and sorrow and I am learning how to deal with that and "change the things I can" one day at a time. Its slow going most of the time but I am doing OK. You will be OK, too- hang in there. Hugs, J.
The feeling of exhaution is one I know too well. I have been unable to cope with my situation this week and the only way I've got through it is to give it all over to my HP. The feeling of anxiety and total inability to carry on was overwhelming, I'm so heartbroken. I miss my Abf so much, see I cant even refer to him as exAbf even though we've been apart for nearly 3 months. The denial is keeping me in the pain of it all. I really just wanted to give up, but I have to go on for my daughters sake. So on Monday when I was having to face a nightmare situation with him, I said to my HP I give in, I cant do this anymore. I am giving the responsibility of this day and the outcomes to you HP, whatever happens is down to you. All I had to do was turn up and participate. Shelly it worked it got me through to today. I could not have done it on my own. One Day at a time it does get easier. Facing the reality of my relationship stops the fantasising, as you say its the THOUGHT of what we had not the reality that keeps us locked in.
Dont worry about having the energy to reach out to your HP as they are there always. Turn it over completly and feel the dread disapear.
Shelly take care of yourself, do something nice for you, your a wonderful person.
So glad to see you post. You're going to be just fine. ((((hugs))))
I remember being in the fog. We get this mental picture in our head of what life will look like, what it SHOULD look like. Once the awareness hits, that it will NEVER be like that... it was completely jarring for me too.
Be gentle with yourself, let yourself grieve. If you need to stay in bed, stay in bed, that's what mourning looks like. Take care of yourself, whatever that looks like.
The dust will eventually settle, it will. The old crumbles, and then something new is reborn. Only when I was brought to my knees, when I hit my personal rock-bottom, did I surrender. Then I could open myself to HP's will. Finally recognizing that "my will" only brought me intense suffering.
Shelly, I think you are reaching out to HP, you are reaching out for the fellowship. HP wants you to take care of yourself, and you are. I'm so glad!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Been there done that and signed up for more! I do understand where you are..but let me throw this out.
If this were your last day on earth, would you want to spend it punishing yourself and listening to the old tapes running over and over in your head?
You do have a conscious choice, even though the choice is difficult to see right now. You have the ability to flip that tape and choose a different outcome to this day. You can be the boss, you have the power.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Forgive yourself for listening or getting involved with another A. Forgive yoursel ffo rbeing human & being vulnerable & getting hurt. It is a risk of the heart. You can recover YOU from this. Be gentle with yourself, take it slow. We are here for you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Anger is NOT a character defect, it is a feeling. Usually layered over fear. Heck YEAH you're angry!!! Heck YEAH you hate him!!! My gosh, look at what he has done to you!!!!
And the flip side of love is hate. Hate is passionate just like love. Hate keeps you connected. I stive daily for indifference. Some days I achieve that. Other days (like just yesterday) I fail miserably. But, I pick myself up, accept that I am where I am, and put one foot in front of the other.
We HAVE to. We are moms.
Grieve, and learn. Remember this pain. So that you will never, ever have to do this again.
You are at the right place at the right time...most likely your HP's will. This is where things are supposed to change if you really want those changes. This program is for me to change me so that my history doesn't continue to be my present and therefore my future unchanged. It's time for you to change you and you have so much support. You don't have to make the same nonfunctional choices and practice the same reactions to others around you. We make mistakes, we are not mistakes neither are the people we surround ourselves with. The program is about "re-programming" my thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors so that I eventually arrive at peace of mind, spirit, emotions and body. All of the suggestions given to you here were almost exactly what was given to me when I first got into Al-Anon and I can tell you that they worked, saved my life and support my gratitude for to my HP for leading me here.
