HI Dreams over,

I learned that very painful lesson as well.  Not only friends but family members as well.  Thank GOd I found alanon and learned to only share with people who understand. 

As far as friends and family were concerned I would only talk about myself and when they brought up there children I would say "I am glad" and change the subject.

Please keep sharing here it does help


 

((((Dreams Over))))

I have been there too. Both of my sons have aism. My best friend of 50 years (1st day of 1st grade) also has 2 boys around the same age as mine that have done well with their lives. They have married, had children, purchased homes and held down good jobs. They were never any problem growing up. I was so envious of her for so long. After I was in Alanon for so long I lost the terrible shame I had associated with the disease of aism. I realized that everyone has their own cross to bear, so to speak. My friend's husband has had horrible health problems from a very young age. He is now waiting for a new heart. She just had quadruple bypass surgery at the age of 55. I have asked myself if I would like to trade places with her and the answer is no. No one goes through this life without something traumatic to deal with sometime or another.

I worry about the next shoe dropping with my son losing his sobriety and I am sure that my bff has the same worry about her husband dropping dead at any time. I have learned so much from Alanon...the most being that we all have things to deal with and with our HP we will get through whatever that is.

Take care and know that you have nothing to be ashamed of as far as your son's disease. It is not something that we have done wrong in raising our children. I truly believe that you are born with addiction and there is nothing we can do to change it.

Yours in recovery,

Gail

You do have a good point. If someone hasn't lived in a similar situation, their judgements, insights, and "advice" is really not worth it. That doesn't mean they don't want to help, they're not saying what they mean in love, and tehy're not saying anything with the best of intentions. But they truly don't understand.
The best person to work this through is a sponsor, as you work the steps. That way, you'll feel more at peace over all and gain more insight as to handle these situations as you go along. Sometimes, the best thing to say is "thanks, I'll take that under advisement."

I have sometimes experienced the futility of trying to talk about alcoholism, and more importantly recovery, to people who just don't relate.  There are many who "don't get it" but are still curious and respectful.  Others don't get it - or maybe it's too close to comfort and respond with denial, or just the reaction of "I don't want to hear about your problems".

I stopped worrying a while ago about trying to hard to figure out which type I'm talking to.  If I don't know, I just weigh my options - if the person reacts defensively - or offensively - that's their problem.  I don't volunteer information, but plenty of times people ask - and they don't really want to know the answer.  They're just being small-talkish, etc.  I try not to let my program be the subject of small talk - it's too important to me for that, so if I suspect the person is just being politely curious, I will say as little as possible and move on.

DreamsOver:  even though the response may have been disappointing or even insulting to you, you learned a valuable piece of information about your friend.  What you choose to do with it, if you choose to remain friends or not - will be with that knowledge.  Knowledge is never a bad thing, although it can be painful.  I have had friends over the years who are extremely judgemental - sometimes a downright pain in the ass.  Some of them I kept because they were the only friends I had at the time.  Now that I have a lot more friends, those people have faded away in their importance. 

I recently began corresponding again with an old friend (male) from college.  We were very close back in the bad old partying days, but have had only intermittent contact since.  What's amazing to me is how much he reminds my of my *ex wife* just in exchanging a few emails.  I don't want to break off all contact, but it's obvious that I'm not the same person I was back then - who tolerated having my buttons pushed constantly, just because it was better than drinking my beer alone.  So we exchange a few newsy emails, and then lay off a couple of years.  And that's about how much I communicate with the X.

Barisax

I truly understand how you feel about comparisons, but any of us who have children that have addictions should also know that no matter what it is, we have been blessed with these children. They were given to us and no one else, there is a reason for that. I don't yet know what it is that I am supposed to do to help my child but I try each day to support him. Sometimes it is financially but mostly emotionally. WE can be so hard on ourselves. Cut yourself a break. You can't control what someone else thinks and feels, she hasn't walked a mile in your shoes and they may be why she wasn't not given a child with an addiction. I don't know. But I know that I have to remind myself that my son is a blessing from my HP and there is where I try to start when I feel frustrated and discouraged. It is not easy but it does help me deal with him. It helps me, I don't know if it would help anyone else.

Yours in recovery,
wildthang86