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Hello all! I've been thinking about going to an Alanon meeting for about 12 months, I almost went to one...I pulled into the drive at 7:15pm for a 7:30 meeting and I waited until 7:25 and I chickened out and went home and came to this website! What can I expect? I guess I am afraid of rejection or seeing someone there I know or maybe still denial. I am always telling myself I am too busy and there is always stuff to be done.(I work +50 hours a week, and go to school full time, so my free time is house work/homework etc...NO Weez work!) My "A" is always rolling his eyes, or making a sarcastic comment on how I'm always on this website...or the possibility of me going to a meeting. He "doesn't have a problem", and doesn't know why I am wasting my time with Alanon. I just want to scream...."BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU DORK!" Everyday is a learning experience for me! I'm ready to take care of me first!! So any input on my local meetings would be great!
I can relate. It took me about 3 months to get from this screen to a f2f meeting. I've never regretted going. First just tell them you are new and they will take it from there. You won't have to share if you don't want to. Make sure you get a newcomer's packet. I too was worried about anonymity. I am a teacher here in this town and thought others would judge me. I was so wrong.
You are right when you say you need time for you. This means taking care of yourself and attending to your needs. Attending f2f meetings is a good first step.
Keep coming to this site and attend f2f meetings. You deserve it!
I live in a really small town, so I was also worried about anonymity. However, it really is not a problem. After all, they wouldn't be there themselves if they did not have the same problem you do. Another thing that is helpful to remember is that everybody there was new once. We all remember the doubts and fears. In our meetings, which are very small, we know if someone is new, welcome them, and offer a newcomers package. We usually share about our own beginnings in alanon if there is a newcomer in the room. Depending on the format of the meeting, sharing may go around the room in order, or the chairperson may call on people to speak. I don't know of any meeting where a newcomer would be called on first. It is always OK at alanon to say that you would prefer just to listen. At some meetings, the members take turns reading out the steps and traditions in order around the table. In that case, there would be a sheet with the steps printed out for you to read from. You could even decline to do that, if you wanted, nobody would care. Alanon meetings are really the most gentle places in the world for us to go. Everybody there understands the pain you have been through. Although, maybe, later in your recovery, your spondor may help you by asking some tough questions, this will not happen at meetings. Many meetings don't allow any 'crosstalk' at all, so no one will comment on anything you have said. At meetings that do allow some crosstalk, it is usually limited to "Something you said reminded me of when that same thing happened in my life..." Nobody at a meeting is going to ask you if you drink yourself, why you haven't left him, ... in fact, nobody is going to ask you anything at all. (Except, maybe, "Want some more coffee?" or "Do you need a Kleenex?". There are always lots of boxes of Kleenex at alanon meetings!) It's not unusual for someone to just sit and cry for their first five or six meetings and not say a word. That's OK with alanon. I really hope you get up the courage to walk through that door - it won't only help you, it wil help the other members there. Some of the most helpful meetings I have been to are those with newcomers. I have heard people with a lot more years in the program than I have say the same thing. We all help each other, and we all have something to give, even if it is only our presence.
i had the same fears to walk through the doors of an alanon meeting last July.
I drove by the building where the meeting was and parked across the street and watched.
I saw normal people going into the building.
The next week I went 20 minutes early and sat in my car in the lot.
Then I saw some people come and I aksed one if this was the alanon meeting and he said yes.
We talked briefly when I said my A (husband) did not think his drinking was a problem because he was only hurting himself.
I cried as I said to this stranger, but I am in pain.
Then he walked with me into the room and he went and sat on the couch.
The leader of the meeting asked me to help put the stacked chairs in a circle and I was happy to be busy.
this meeting was well organized and their was a "newcomers meeting first". Me and another woman were given the newcomers packets by an oldtimer and he explained alanon to us. I cired the whole tim but listened.
Then we went and sat on the chairs in a circle.
Then other people cam and the room was full.
I saw a guy from work and he saw me and we both looked away and he looked in terror at his sponsor.
they went outside and came back a short while later (I work for a big employer in the area and should have expected to see another from the company there (2 out of 3000).....
Then the leder of the meeting read about what alanon is.Then each person in turn reaD one of the 12 steps.
If you didn't have a book they passed one to you.
Then somehow a topic was picked and people puit their hands up to share.
Me and the other new lady kept quiet.
somewhere a hat was passed around and people put in change or a buck or 2.not all put in and if you really can't afford it, just give some change. If you can afford it, it is the best few bucks you will ever spend.
Then more people shared and I just cried silently and they passed the kleenex.
Having recently moved I struggled to find a new group close to my new home.
After the first meeting I thought gee these are all ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) and did not go back for 2 weeks.
I went back last night and shared and my sharing seemed to prompt their sharing about their marriages to alcoholics past and present.
and it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
I cannot urge you strongly enough to go. The first time is very hard to make yourself get into the door but do it!
You can expect a group of strangers soon to be friends that understand you like nobody else can.
Let me know how the meeting goes
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I am so proud of you for at least trying to get in the door that day. It took me six months on this board before I could step foot in a face to face Alanon meeting. I could not even say the word "alcoholism" either at the time. Remaining on the board (and at home) kept me in isolation which was the worst thing for me, I only stayed mentally ill, emotionally sick, spiritually sick, physically siick! My merry-go-round felt more like a Tilt-A-Whirl! I knew it was time to see faces who had been there or were. It was time to see people who could give me a hug, hold my hand, when my husband couldn't--(that is women, of course).
It was such a relief to see those who had been down as far as I had been to once again smile or laugh again, and know I could have that, too. Keep Coming Back !
Some groups are hugging, allow cross talk. Some are very serious, no cross talk across the table. Choose the group or groups that feel right for you. Give Alanon meetings 6 weeks to adjust--that's how long it took me. I do attend 2 meetings a week for me, that is what's right for me. The second group allows me to laugh, giggle, and be "me"--mostly after the meeting, of course.
Hi Weez , what can u expect at a f2f meeting? wellllllllll first your going to know that your in the right place, second your going to have people who will actually listen to you when u speak (if u choose to) and find out that it's ok if u don't. You will find a safe place to cry and not be judged and hear your story , you are no longer alone.
U will find acceptance like nothing u have experienced before or in my opinion will never find anywhere else.
Absolutley nothing will change until someone changes and since your the one seeking help that is you. Until your A says that what he's doing is causing him a problem it isn't , it's causing you a problem and Al-Anon will help u solve your problems. One Day at A Time. good luck Louise
If it's a good group and you choose to share openly and honestly then...For the first time in this world you may get to experience what it feels like to be totally known and totally loved by others.
I was accepted where I was, just the way I was and that was good enough for them. This feeling of loving acceptance is the single greatest experience of my life. Yes there are risks but the payback is awesome! And I mean awesome!
I will never go back to that alone place I was in...never.
I had to get out of my comfort zone to grow and heal. It was awkward and scary and at times terrifying but WORTH IT!
I get the feeling that you want to go and just asking for alittle nudge, so here goes.
Its time to quit finding reasons not to, time to quit taking the easy way is what I think I'm hearing in your post, listen to your self, you know what you want to do, just take a chance and do it. I think you will find that the easy way is not really that easy, and the perceived hard way may not be as hard as you think or fear. Humm, Fear (False Expectations Appearing Real). Don't let that keep you from going, as I'm sure you won't regret it.
You may go because of him, in reality you will go back because of you.
I'll never forget my first meeting. I couldn't wait to get to my second meeting! The best thing were the hugs. And these people would laugh and cry, sometmes at the same time. I never felt such love from strangers in my life. It took me about 4 meetings to share and I wish I would have done it sooner. It was like a weight had been lifted off my aching shoulders. I was so stressed out I was making myself sick and no alcoholic (or anyone else) gets to make me feel like that today. Sure some days are hard but I now have the tools to help myself. Run to that meeting this week and feel the love.
