The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to thank everyone who responded to my initial post from 10 days ago. I'm sorry to say that since then things have spiralled our of control and I was forced to take drastic measures.
My AH got in another car accident that he doesn't remember having, and that wasn't the only problem that week. As soon as he acknowledged to me that he did not know how he damaged his car I gave him an ultimatum. I told him to get himself into a rehab or that I was taking the kids and leaving. I tried to get him to leave but he gave me the "this is my house too" speech. Whatever, I cannot expose my children to this any longer.
He did finally check himself into a rehab faciity last night. However, every chance he gets he calls me and tells me how he doesn't want to be there and that it is all my fault. I am trying to be strong, and I know that he is scared and alone, but I wasn't prepared for the guilt that I feel for making him do this. I don't think it's going to work if he is only doing this for me. He was evaluated and put into inpatient hospitalized care, pretty serious stuff. I just pray that he will stay long enough to be open to the help that is being offered.
I have contacted Al-anon and have found a meeting in my area that I will go to next week. I am fortunate that I have an amazing support group of friends and family already in place due to my cancer diagnosis. I just wonder who ever coined the phrase what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, because I'm beginning to think that someone out there wants me dead.
By the way, my latest scans show that my cancer is currently not growing, that's a big positive in my life.
Yay...Thank HP for positives!! Especially while the stress is still there and might seem to be rising. Guilt is only one of the false emotions that this cunning, powerful and Baffling disease works with on the family, friends and spouses of alcoholics. The alcoholic isn't ready to accept responsibility and has to try to make someone, anyone else responsible. Those who haven't gotten into the program or hit up on this MIP family are sure to fall for it most easily. Don't fall for it. Insteand try the three C's of Al-Anon and other things that are offered you until you get to that face to face meetings.
I didn't cause it, can't control it and cannot cure it. Telling him to go get help for something that is killing him and taking the family down with him is good thinking, rational decision making and legal. If you don't the judge or his doctor might do it themselves.
Continue to lurk and ask for help if that is all that you can do for now. If you can get to the meeting rooms more quickly...do so. You have to be responsible for your own recovery.
Hi Tired Mom, I'm so glad to see you back, also happy to hear that your cancer is not growing. Great news!! Hang on to that news tightly in these rough times.
About the guilt thing.....after understanding the mistakes I had made in the past concerning my codependent behavior I had a lot of guilt. But my guilt was that of hampering my husband's recovery. The big picture was that I was in essence helping him kill himself. That is what we don't see until later. If I could've only seen how often I made allowances for the drinking (mostly out of shame) I would have done things a lot differently. Things like making excuses for dysfunctional behavior or relieving him of the consequences.
I had joined Alanon about 2 yrs. before he got very ill, so I was fully aware of my past mistakes. When he was in the hospital fighting for his life the guilt was overwhelming. All the "if onlys" that I could have done differently over the years may have prevented his dire situation. Alanon had taught me to do things differntly by then. I knew the alcoholism was not something I could control and I knew it wasn't my fault. Alanon also taught me that I did the best I could back then (pre-Alanon) with the knowledge I had. I knew all that, but I still felt so very guilty.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your actions are ones that may give him a chance should he see the light. My actions were ones that perpetuated the survival of the disease. Had my husband lost the battle I would much rather have to live with your kind of guilt. I would have felt I played a part in my husband's demise. Your actions may put your husband on the road to recovery. There is no real guilt in that. I admire your strength.
I hope you can look at it bit differently now. Giving an alcoholic an ultimatum is risky but far better then sticking the proverbial pillow under their butt and allowing the disease to thrive.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
maybe when courts make him take responsibiltiy for his latest car accident he might just might clue in . don/t hold your breath . There is no need to feel guilty , he entered treatment to get u off his back so u wouldn't leave , period . regardless of why he is there he just may hear something that he needs to hear to turn his life around . Use this time to take care of your needs for a change and start your own recovery , then regardless of what he does u will have support and u will be just fine .This is just too hard to do alone it truly is too much for m ost of us . I can't believe they are letting him call u most treatment centers don't allow calls for 30 days or more . fingers crossed , don't take on the blame that he is throwing your way , regardless of what he says your not the reason he drank in the fist place and certainly not responsible for him being where he is his behavior got him there period . good luck focus on your self and children , ourkids deserve at least one sane parent . Louise
Don't feel guilty(easy for me to say) It is a gift the alcholic gives us freely. Now is the time to take care of yourself and your children. He is in a perfectly safe place. He is were he needs to be. He has a clean bed, food, round the clock medical care. Don't let him worry you and make you feel guilty.
What have you to feel guilty about. You did not cause him to drink.
Now is the time to take a deep breath and perhaps figure out where you want your life and your children's life to lead.
God be with you.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
) It is a gift the alcholic gives us freely.