The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I foolishly engaged in a chatty little email exchange with my main qualifier. I haven't seen him since before Christmas, and we've hardly talked or emailed. My life is good. I'm pretty happy, though I still miss him immensely. What could be the harm in talking about the weather and Easter plans?
Nothing awful was said. No big confrontations. And yet I've still ended up a tense mess.
He's not evil or mean- he's just f*cked up. I KNOW that and still I can't help getting all P.O.ed: Why isn't he working towards being the sweet, content guy he used to be?
Well, he's not, and isn't inclined to. There's nothing I can do about it and it's not my business anyway. And yet here I am obsessing about him.
I'm disappointed in myself- I thought I'd gotten a little farther along than this.
I foolishly engaged in a chatty little email exchange with my main qualifier. I haven't seen him since before Christmas, and we've hardly talked or emailed. My life is good. I'm pretty happy, though I still miss him immensely. What could be the harm in talking about the weather and Easter plans?
Nothing awful was said. No big confrontations. And yet I've still ended up a tense mess.
He's not evil or mean- he's just f*cked up. I KNOW that and still I can't help getting all P.O.ed: Why isn't he working towards being the sweet, content guy he used to be?
Well, he's not, and isn't inclined to. There's nothing I can do about it and it's not my business anyway. And yet here I am obsessing about him.
I'm disappointed in myself- I thought I'd gotten a little farther along than this.
Hey gngcrazy
I can soo relate to your post I too found myself missing someone I fell in love with that I just cannot be with in reality.
I done the emailing too and it's okay I believe it's a about progress not perfection lass. We are all human beings who have feeling.
Well done for getting this far.
Your post itself has given me added strength as am NOT alone what an amazing higher power I now have.
Easy does it one day at a time.
Hugs**
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Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
gngcrzy: Don't beat up on yourself. "I'm disappointed in myself- I thought I'd gotten a little farther along than this." Your doing ok.
"I haven't seen him since before Christmas, and we've hardly talked or emailed. My life is good. I'm pretty happy, though I still miss him immensely." This is a process of breaking free of our qualifier I believe, gngcrzy. As maresie said, "It took me years and years to say goodbye."
I am currently seperated from my husband and thought that I would divorce him immediately after he left. But I haven't. I have to go easy on me and make sure of my decisions before I go forward with them. I am just speaking for myself and am not suggesting anything on your part, other then not feeling guilty about letting go. It takes time.
I don't know what I will do on my part. My qualifier has quit drinking, but doesn't have a program. So he is full of the 'isms of alcohlism still. I doubt that I could go back to living with him, so I often ask myself why I'm still in contact with him, but that is my decision to make in my time and I'm sure I will make it when it's time.
I'm trying to go easy on me, but set boundaries at the same time, that's hard to do sometimes when you don't know what the boundaries should be, but once they are set I have to stick to them. That's just for me. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Thanks, all. It was just a bummer. After 3 months apart it still only takes me 10 minutes to get re-enmeshed. Crazy crazy.
java, my friend decided after years in recovery that 12-step wasn't a priority for him anymore. That's pretty much when things fell apart. He still doesn't drink, but it turns out that the actual drinking doesn't matter as much as you'd figure. So depressing.
I agree whole heartedly with Java, ur being too hard on yourself. This recovery stuff is a process & happens in seeming incriments or stages/plateaus.
So ur A isn't evil or awful, u still have history (possibly unresolved) and that stuff never goes away until you deal with it. Also A's tend to bring the worst in us out - the clinging, desperately wanting them to change stuff that distarcts us from us.
I obsessed 24/7 about my qualifiers (my parents) and stopping "wishing they would change" was a hard one to stop altogether. If I begin to think about them now, I can go back there - into wishing - pretty quickly. But like u sd, it's none of my business & quite frankly it is a waste of my time & energy. Chaning old patterns of thinking is quite an undertaking. Some days, it's no problem other days you obsess the entire day & can't concentrate on anything.
For me it was nearly impossible to simply stop doing something, I would have to replace the behavior with a more positive one. I managed to halt obsessing about others by focusing on me. When I'd feel my mind going to something that was not my business, I would feel the difference (or when ever I noticed it) and bring my awareness & attention back to me. Granted this took a lot of practise but instead of dragging yourself over the coals & comparing where you thing you should be, know it's just a slip in thinking & go back to you. Nothing more, nothing less.
You remind me of me, being acoa & having this perfectionstic idea of what I thought I should be doing. It is unrealistic. Let the expectations go, be gentle with yourself, focus on you. you can change & control you & you will be able to appreciate your own hard work!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
gc, yep, me too. You are not alone. yeah- all it could take is 10 mins. I know. I know. I know. Ugh.
I keep it real simple and just stay away from "certain" people. I have got to- I love my serenity too much to lose it in 10 lousy mins (and I know I would!!). I get to make choices now that I have a program. You are learning! I bet you will just pass the next time...mark my words (I did).
This gets easier the more we practice. YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE. its ok, we are learning! Hugs, J.
I too can completly 'loose it' when I get a text or a phone call from my qualifier Ugh! Within seconds I can be right back in there. All those tense and anxious feelings flood back in and it can take me days to unhook myself. Like others here I'm a work in progress when it comes to detaching, I'd like to get to the point where I can delete his number and email contact, dont think thats going to happen anytime soon
Dont be so hard on yourself, you've just walked further along on your journey picking up some insight on the way.
The good news is.... YOU'RE SEEING IT!! That alone, is amazing progress. Yeah!!! for YOU!!!
You're doing something new. You're walking in new shoes! It takes awhile to break 'em in and get comfortable using 'em. Treat yourself like you would treat a baby learning to walk, you would never be so harsh. We didn't get this way overnight, and we aren't going to change overnight. Just keep wobbling along, I'll wobble right with you. One day, we get it, next day, we fall on our bum. It's ok, we can get back up again.
The goal is to embrace ourselves and all the good stuff! Instead of looking at what you did "wrong," look at what you did "right!"
FYI, I still get confused when I see him too. It'll take a little more time. When I catch myself obsessing about him, I repeatedly say something to myself like, "I now release you to (Higher Power)...." Over and over, as necessary.
Poof! Gone.
Our minds can only think one thing at a time. Choose the best thoughts. HP will take it from there.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 8th of April 2009 08:12:45 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Please don't beat yourself up over this. I too was at the same point one time. My alcoholic/addict was my addiction. Just like it was too hard for him to stay away from what he was addicted to, it was terribly difficult for me to stay away from him. I too would go a few months without talking, then think that I was "okay" to chat with him. Like an addict, I would start spiraling right back down to where I once was. However, over time, I was able to talk to him without all of those things coming back up. He never got fully sober, and I accepted that. I still loved him the same, but I knew that no matter what, I couldn't change him. "One day at a time" will remind you to just live for today. We may take a couple steps back, but we're still moving forward. Keep coming back. =] It really does work!
