The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been searching for words to decribe how I feel and read a post here that just summed it all up.....emotionally hungover. Since the last contact with EXABF I have been everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Upside down and inside out, dancing the dance just one more time. I can't maintain a thought process, can barely get myself up, dressed and to work and am just so mentally beat down...I can't remember feeling this way for years. I actually layed in bed Sunday and thought about just going over to EXABF's house and taking one of his lovely guns, holding it to his chest, and just putting a bullet through his heart. THAT THOUGHT ACTUALLY ENTERED MY MIND, to do that to someone I love, just so I could make it all stop, make the insanity that has become my very existance end, just make it all go away. Of course I didn't, but just having those thoughts set off a whole nother tangent of unattainable thoughts that I can't keep up with. I did send him a letter apologizing for the hateful, venom filled email I sent out of anger. I told him basically that I loved him with all my heart but wanted out, and couldn't do the crazy dance with him any longer, that I was just to emotionally beat down to go on. Told him I needed some time alone just to figure things out as I felt more confused and less sane than I ever had. I apologized for putting so much pressure on someone that is sick and that I knew with him and I both being sick that a normal relationship was unrealistic but that I could no longer deal with this confusion anymore. I don't know if I'll go back to AlAnon or not right now, I really can't even think about it right now, other than the one thought that keeps coming to mind and that is EXABF has been in AA and sober for 10years and is just as sick and confused as if he were drinking....And has never yet ONE TIME said he was sorry to me for all the harm he has done-the closest I got was "I feel like an ass because I led you on". I just don't know #1 if I want/can be around people like him, #2 -I don't know if I want to be like people like him. I'm tired MIP family, really really really tired and mentally I don't even feel that I can go on. I am NOT suicidal, I would NOT do that to my family, just beat down beyond recognizing myself anymore....I just want to close my eyes and it all to go away and be done. I'm getting by minute by minute right now. thanks for reading shelly
-- Edited by shellyj123 on Tuesday 7th of April 2009 02:35:51 PM
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly you need help. You need to have people help you to get out of this spiral. Of course there is no doubt about coming back to al anon but you may need to get a doctors help right now. Please if you are suicidal call a hotline if you don't get anyone there who you can relate to call another one. Speak to someone. Get another voice in that spiral down. You are worth it.
The ex A I was with never apologized for all the awful things he did. They may not apologize. Our life doesn't hinge on their apology. I've certainly been there down as far as you can go. I've also decided I want to live, without the ex A. I know exactly what it is to be attached to someone who is incredibly self destructive. Please take actions to help yourself, go to a doctor, get an anti depressant (they do help). get a counselor start talking about yourself. Get help, get it because you are worth it, get it because we love you but do get it.
I am right there with ya sister... It must be in the water... And yes I liked that comment to my post as well about the Emotional Hangover... How true is that... Only differace is my head isn't in a bucket...lol...
You got this chic...Your Strong enough, and just need to keep faith... Listen to me ...lol... I am tellin you what I should be telling myself.. But.. The Sun is Starting to Shine Again, and We Will get back in it, and blow all this "Crap" right out the window of our worlds...
I know that is something I need, you have some trips planned with the boy, and Summer is coming.. We will set up another road trip... And see what the stars line up for us...
You Carry me... I'll Carry You and we will plan for great things...
As for your choice to stay or leave the program.. It is souly yours to make, However... I would have to agree with a quote I read a blog or two back that stated... You shouldn't base this program on your experience with "One" A... That has been in the program 10 years...As we have seen.. He hasn't been following his steps... That is not the work of Al-anon, but souly his own doing... I hope your decission is based on what "you" need for yourself.. I know "For Me" the program has opened my mind to a better way of thinkings, and a way to recover what I feel at times is Loss...And reminds me of my self worth, when I don't have the strength to do it myself.. It does many things for many people... I see the differance it has made in you and your heart... You will get were you need to be... Just need to keep the faith...
Let the past lie were it may, and lets work on today..
Love ya Chic.. Head Up for were the Sh*t :) Kisses & Prayers Jozie
Having thoughts aren't necessarily problematic. I think I can fly somedays. Then I realize there's gravity. Where the problem comes in is when a game plan is formed. Additionally, when it becomes a pattern of "I just can't take this, I need to end my life" I agree with mariese a professional needs to get involved.
Shelly, I can assure you that man is not representative of someone who is truly sober and working a solid program in AA.
My youngest daughter's father had been sober and in AA for 12 years when I met him. He's now over 32 years sober in AA. By all appearances to his AA compadres, he's a swell guy. He sponsors others, is active in his group.
However, he was not there for his first set of kids when he was drinking, and he certainly wasn't there for his youngest daughter all those years sober. Some things never change. The man lives 35 miles away, and took one year out of his life to attempt a half-hearted father/daughter relationship (when she was 8, she's now almost 21), and then it fizzled out on his part.
As painful as this experience has been for you, I sincerely hope you are able to be gentle with yourself and start to love yourself as you should instead of looking to outside sources for that love. ((((((hugs))))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I refer to it as my Emotional Sobriety. You don't seem emotionally sober at the moment, and that's perfectly okay. You can start the day over right now, this minute.
I have found that, HP doesn't go where HP is not invited. All you have to do is grab your HP's hand again, invite HP back into your life. Quiet yourself. Rest in the calm and peace.
Get quiet and realize there is no storm, except the one you yourself create with your thoughts. Notice that your thoughts are creating stress in you and there is no peaceful reason to keep them anymore.
Then begin the steps. Admit 100% powerlessness. Believe that a Power greater than you or even your BF... can restore you. Then make a decision Shelly. Walk the walk. Say it, "I can't, God can, and I think I'll let him."
Choose not to suffer anymore. Grab onto the program again. HP cannot, and will not fail you.
Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am shocked to see you say you are thinking of taking a hiatus from al-anon. You need us now more than ever! Where else can you go with this sort of honesty, this sort of insanity & be warmly recieved, loved unconditionally and understood.
When I came back to al-anon nearly four years ago, I wanted to kill my step-dad. Never in my life had I had a thought in which I wanted to remotely hurt someone else. I was the ultimate martyr & was willing to sacrifice myself for anyone I cared about. Of course wnating to hurt, mame or injure him was a horrible shock to me. I found this forum that day and began coming here (the Board) and to chat and the two daily meetings and basically that was all I did for two years. I spent 10-14 hours a day in the chat room, talking to everyone.
I had suicidal ideations for 25 years & attempted three times, three different ways. The last time, I figured out the fool proof way to do it & realized I could be extinguished in 1 or 2 minutes. Seriously. It was about noon time and I was infuriated & completely stone sober. My cat was staring at me, very very worried. I was angry and yelled at her to leave the room. She sat there, staring in horror. In that instant I got down & went straight to the chat room. A friend there (that wan't usually in there at that time) popped in and said, 'how are you?' Well, I let him have what was inside. He talked me down from it. I am shaking thinking of it now. But I can tell you there is no place on Earth that I can come and speak openly and very frankly about suicde or any of my other multitude of issues & emotional difficulties as i can right here ~ and still be warmly recieved, loved unconditionally & understood so thoroughly.
I in no way wanted to be sitting in jail for a lousy A that hurt my mother so. What would it do to her, if I killed her husband & ruined my life. Logically I knew none of that would help. Sure I was upset emotionally and that was perfectly okay. I needed a place to work things out & the support of others who had done so. Memebers here loved me before I ever loved myself. They gave me a line & drew me a map to serenity, although that was never my goal. At first all I wnated was to stop hurting, then I got fixated on having health in my life.
If you dont want to do face to face meetings, I understand that, I was depressed & isolated, I was hysterical and did NOT want to be seen. The online meetings were a saving grace ~ this whole place was for me b/c I used it with every fiber of my being and I wanted to change, so I tried very hard.
Just b/c ur A isn't getting the sobriety in this program he deserves, it is b/c he is not willing to be ruthlessly honest with himself or others. That is his problem, his life he is wasting.
You seem fairly capable of brutal honesty, shelly, stick with it. Come to chat, go to online meetings, keep posting. You are loved & are worth so much more than you can see right now. Plus you have kids that love you. They would feel like it was their fault if you hurt your A or yourself ~ please, don't do that and please don't turn your back on you or al-anon, just b/c of something someone else is doing or has said to you. My family used to talk down about al-anon to me & even this forum. i got so mad & listened at one point, I stayed away from it for nearly 10 months. In that time, all I did was sit around, feel sorry for myself, engage in self destructive behavior and lower my tolerance to alcohol. So I got depressed & drank. Not healthy and it didn't help - other than to make me realize it was stupid, futile, a continued waste of my life, time, energy.
I can know you feel like, you are bleeding all over the place (figuratively) and so was I. I was a gaping wound. Was. I got in there, with my bloody broken, abused, betrayed & neglected heart in hand and when others said I was worth more -- even though I could not belive it myself, I listened. I may have said, thank you for saying that - instead no I am not. I allowed the love to penetrate a little at a time, until one day I decided to focus on me & love me. That's when my life COMPLETELY changed. YOU CAN DO IT TOO.
When they say, dont leave before the miracle - well, I nearly did. The miracle is what my life is now. I am a miracle to still be here and I have seen many in my life. You are a miracle, yourself. It may not feel like it right now but it is true. You are worth so much more. Sure the emotions hurt, doing something drastic - or leaving al-anon, your problems & issues will still be there. I've tried to run & hide too but your head, is your head. Talk about your feelings, express them & get them out. It is a relief. As you speak, more & more will bubble up to be expressed & released. This is the process. Doing that wont kill you, it hurts but then they are gone. You have it to be free -- it will take work, effort but you can relase this stuff and have a better life. I am living proof that it works when you work it.
shelly ~ work it, you're worth it. I hope to see you in chat some time.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Never make a decision until you've slept on it for 24 hours.
Those words (say it/read it right and it's 12 words) have kept me from over-reacting more than a few times! Believe me, I'm an emotional person and thrive on emotion. I love joy..I love excitement...I love happy, I love just about everything except for my son to be in a rage and on a binge. My happy meter gets broken ...Then... reality check and I'm caught in the cycle if I allow it. For the most part I'm positive but there are days I allow his manipulations to pull my positive to the opposite end of the spectrum.
I also felt extra emotionally hungover this morning. Long night with no sleep and I wasn't thinking rational. I was about to drive 12 hours to rescue a son that doesn't even want me to rescue him. I told him last night "you are responsible for the seeds you sow" and today he is angry about my remark and full speed ahead back to head games and manipulations. Threats. Same routine. Different day.
.....knowing I didn't have an available meeting and am so new I don't have a sponsor to call on, I prayed HP would send me a troop to help me fight back or least guide me to reading resources. After I arrived home from my appointment, I found my way in search of alanon reading materials and stumbled into this very forum.
I found myself stepping into divine intervention at it's best when I let go and let God take control.
I don't know where I'd be right now if I hadn't stopped for the support.
I know enough about myself that my thoughts are what move me to act. If I think rational - I act rational. If I think irrational after being aggravated, taunted or manipulated by my son I find myself digressing and back in the same old boat. If I had not of found this group this morning I would more than likely be about 6 hours into the drive. He wants control, then I find myself wanting control. It's a tug-of war and a cycle that keeps repeating over and over.
I had to come to grips to realize without a PLAN, I wasn't going to be able to overcome any of my misery and be the beautiful confident woman that I am capable of being. I am excited to begin recovery of my whole self. I hope that even as a newcomer I can encourage you to not give up on yourself and your spiritual growth. If your depression continues, you should seek counseling or at least support to keep you balanced.
Although I've never been to AA, I've off and on practiced 12 steps in my life because they are very much aligned to how I truly believe. 12 Steps is what made me realize that when one door slams shuts - it's because my Higher Power has a bigger and better door that He has planned to open for me. Praise God!!! I can testify to this in so many ways.
I read the Bible but sometimes find that other resources are fulfilling as well. I have a library of self-help books, calendars full of appointments with therapist and professional help and have always gone back to using the 12 steps to manage my own life.
Why Alanon? I never thought to go to Alanon until a friend suggested this at my mom's funeral two weeks ago. She knew I was leaving my son there to work, and she said when you get home do me a favor and go to ONE MEETING. I did...I saw what she meantl
I did it and wished someone had of suggested Alanon to me when I was in my 20's. No telling how strong I'd be today. Doesn't matter, because I where I'm headed. Either way I don't regret where I've been or where I'm sitting. I will take my lessons and share them to help others.
I am actually looking forward to living life fully even though I'm grieving the loss of my mom. She'd not want me all sad...but glad instead. She'd also want me to be strong and secure.
I'm stepping...and gonna keep stepping...
- I'm glad to have the steps and the SUPPORT to be a tool and my stronghold. It helps me keep my thinking STRONG. Stinking thinking gets me back in the cycle, and I'm not going there if I can help myself first!
I write this to you because I know there is HOPE. By having support you will find it will play a huge part in helping yourself to heal. You've got some cheerleaders here rooting for you! Football nor basketball teams would ever win their championship games without their awesome spirited cheerleaders. Whatever would our world of sports do without March Madness. Go Tarheels!
Alanon is consistent and helps keeping me grounded while I find my way back to sanity... constant cheerleaders to keep me playing my game plan!
GO TEAM!
It's never too late to be what you want to be.
Blessings of healing and strength to have the couraqe to press on with a game plan to find rediscover your whole self again. She's in there, and worth fighting for!
WIN! WIN! WIN!
With love, gardenfairy
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Peace, love and understanding - today, tomorrow and always
