The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been divorced from my ex-ah for a year. We started dating again 6 months ago. I initiated that one. Things are going pretty good for us for the most part. However, I know that I could NEVER live w/him again. There are too many things about him that drive me crazy. The perfect situation for me is that he lives somewhere else and we spend our weekends together. We talk on the phone during the week, maybe get together a night during the week.
So sometimes he spends the entire weekend w/me, days and nights. And this only sends my feelings home about how we couldn't live together. He lays around, falls asleep in my living room, refuses to come to bed, leaves the TV on all freakin' night. Other times, he is a dream to be around. He helps me around the house, is up beat and light spirited. The down days are the ones I cannot stand. And those down days can last a day or two to weeks at a time. Those are the times I am so glad we live apart. He can go be depressed somewhere else and I can continue living in peace and quiet.
Problem is he lives w/his grandma right now and he is making HER miserable. Everyone in his family keeps dropping hints that they want me to ask him back home...but I cannot and will not do that. He even talks about it. The "One Day" talks. One day when we are living together....One day we will get married again.... One day we will do this or that. It is crazy talk. I just ignore his comments as they do not even warrant a response. I don't ever plan on living w/a man again or get married again, much less to him. Been there, done that. Won't make that mistake twice.
So his grandma calls me yesterday and today to whine about him. His behavior was peculiar this weekend and it made us suspect he was using drugs again. So of course she is on her soap box preaching that he cannot continue to live w/her if he is going to act this way, she is miserable, he needs to find somewhere else to stay, he needs to find a woman who can take care of him if I am not going to do it, blah blah blah.....well I am not going to "take care of him". I did it for 15 years and I REFUSE to do it ever again. He is a grown man and should be able to take care of himself.
I am worried this is all about to come to a head. I have been dodging coming right out there and saying it for the last 6 months. If his behavior continues in such a manner that his grandma kicks him out, I know he is going to show up at my doorstep. I am going to have to put my foot down. Dang it. Especially considering his behavior is most undesirable at the moment. I just don't know what do. I feel as though I am being selfish, taking what I want and need from our relationship and not giving him what he wants and needs. He just wants and needs so much. He is one of those men that NEEDS a woman in his life yet he only puts that woman 1st on his list of priorities when it suits him. So maybe that is what I am doing to him...hmm interesting thought.
In my experience, a solid amount of the time, I'm right about my expectations. Then there's that small percent that the unexpected actually happens. If he does show up and beg you to house him, you don't have to take him. This is, after all, your house. However, right now, you may want to look at why it is he's still such a presenece in your life still. Are you afraid of being alone? Lacking confidence? Feeling the weight of a big empty house? Whever we're dealing with big feelings, we go back to the comfortable, not necessarily the healthy. As you've observed, the new pattern isn't necessarily healthy or ideal. You can also evaluate how you want to handle the questions and complaints from Grandma. After all, these kind of things do put you in the middle. So, it doesn't do anyone any good to have indirect communication (do you remember playing telephone as a child?). It would be wise to look at where you stand now and evaluate where you want to stand on these issues.
From my veiws, I see were boundries and understanding should be set clear, too ALL involved. Grandma included... You say very clearly that you are done with that life, and that is your choice of course...But if there is a reason you have to have that connection weather intement, or emotional, or what ever it is... It should be clear the limits of its existance...Then there is nothing to be ashamed of ... You were Honest and truthful, and was looking out for You... Your Wants and Needs and that is what we are hear to do...
All choices in Your Life are to be made by You..If you have caller ID let Grandma leave a message, You can't let her pull your from your senenity everyday, telling your His/Her Problems...
I got rid of my house phone For ME..lol... Now I don't have to worry about my Abrother going to jail, and calling me crying and acting childish, while he works out his DT's... He doesn't need me any other time, so let him feel that pain... And it will happen again, his bottom is deeper then i ever imagined ones could be..
If you know he is in one of his "Moods-or is looking to have some one take him from his depression, then close your door... Send him back to Grandma...I can't tell you what to do, no one can... But you have to ask yourself, If I know I never want this to go any further... What am I doing? Not just to Him, But to Myself? When you can answer that... Heck you'll have it all figured out... :P Then make sure you come back and share it with the rest of us :)
I agree, I think you should just communicate exactly what your expectations are for this relationship. I just had couples counseling with the BF yesterday and that was the biggest issue is having "relationship goals" IE we'll be married in 2 years or we'll be living together in ... time. Laying it out so everyone understands what the other is thinking and working on. AND on top of that you sure don't need his drama on top of all the crap you're dealing with from your son! I know where you were and it's hard to be alone and wanting but also I know I was there and found something greater than I could have imagined. I'm sure it's out there waiting for you and you know this is not what you want for the long term but when you have him in your life it shuts the door to all the other possibilities out there. Just a thought... You can always come for a mini vacation in Myrtle Beach :D I'll take ya out on the town LOL.
