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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife is a recovering addict who has been clean for 9 months. Six of those were during voluntary in custody program inside of a jail. The past 3 months she has been living with me and going to a program 3 days a week and an after care class once a week. She has also been going to NA meetings every day for the past 90 days.
She has been doing well and she wants to take a class to get an addictions counselor license. The class is $800 and I have been considering paying it for her because that job would be better for our family. If I dont pay for it, she will probably try and get a horrible loan to pay for it.
All this was before she started to act a little weird. Nothing too harmful, I am just super sensitive to any changes in her behavior because I have seen her relapse before. I may be over reacting. Plus, I have since learned about detachment and that I should not help her with her problems.
My question is if this is problem I need to detach from or no?
I know I have to decide for myself but what would you do in my shoes?
whoa Carlos, I would want her to be clean and sober and in recovery for longer than that before loaning anyone anything whatsover. She needs to really stabilize and it can take well over a year just to get the stuff totally out of ones system and get ones head screwed on right- could be more like two years.
If you think she is going to go out and get a terrible loan you must think pretty poorly of her judgement at this time. Again which begs the question- why would you give her a loan to begin with? I am confused- first you say she has been doing well and then you said she has started to act a little weird- which one is it really?! J.
Can you buy yourself some time? Maybe tell her that you will pay to celebrate her 1 yr sobriety, (or whatever time frame you choose). That way, since you feel she is acting weird, you can make sure the weirdness isn't attached to using.
This type of help wouldn't be considered enabling. Especially if she is sincere and it would benefit everyone.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
She is my wife, so it isn't a loan. Technically, my money is her money too, but since she is a recovering addict, I tend to make most of the big financial decisions.
I too am confused. She is going good in that she has completed all the classes and taken all the suggestions and done service in NA. I can see big improvements in her.
More recently, she is acting weird like again asking me for things and leaving out details that would cause me to say no and then acting surprised when those things come to light as if she did not know I would be upset. Also, she gets really sad and jumps to conclusions about me not wanting her anymore when I tried to practice detachment. She has done these things in the past before having a relapse. That's what I mean by acting weird, but at the same time, so of these things are understandable for someone who is new to recovery.
I do think it is too early, but she is feeling bad because she has very little to do with her time that would help her to make progress in getting her life back on track.
The class would take a year to complete and she would have to work as an assistant to someone for 2 years before getting her license. By the time she finished, she would be close to 4 years clean.
We figured the stuff she would be learning in the classes would benefit her recovery as well and she would not be responsible counseling anyone else for several years, so he lack of clean time should not be an issue.
I am sure she isn't using, but she may be showing some signs of dry drunkeness or I may just be being too picky and not understanding of her situation.
I too am confused.
I am a little concerned about the amount of the money, but if she was not an addict, I would not hesitate to pay for this. It's the added level of uncertainty that gives me pause.
Christy, if I am sure she is not using, would you still recommend having her wait. If so, the classes would not be given again until May 2010.
I could go either way on this financially. It is essentially a question of her happiness and a way for her to feel like a productive citizen again. Better than McDonald's she says.
The waiting suggestion was just to give you more time to see what was going on with her. Now that you've explained a bit I can see if she honestly is sure this is what she wants to do that it could be beneficial for both of you. She could learn a lot more about addiction and what it takes to stay sober. It could strengthen her sobriety . On the other hand ..could the stress of classes and grades cause her to back slide?
If she is doing it so she won't be bored there is less expensive ways to conquer boredom. Many places need volunteers.
There is much to consider. Only you two can make the decision. I can only suggest you talk about it, tell her your concerns and feel the situation out. Good Luck and let us know.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
IMHO I would suggest its a little early in her recovery to take this on. Yes she would have great insight and experiential learning to bring to the course but it would be a difficult undertaking. Maybe some voulunteer work would be more beneficial. As to your concerns to her behaviour, it may just be that her behaviour. Old behaviour remains long after the active use.
You are both in a new situation and your confusion is to be expected.I see you are full of fear,are you working your own program? you need to keep the focus on you, detach (easier said than done I know) Do you attend f2f meetings as YOU need support to get through these times. My experience is the more I worked my program the easier it became to let my A work his.
Carlos, What I tell my sponsees who want to go into counceling is that they need to wait at least a year before they do so. After all they cannot give away what they do not have, and it takes about a year to work all 12 steps. Additionally, many people I sponsor find that by the end of their first year, many of their priorities have changed, and if they want to still go into addictions, they have found there are other ways to do so. While i fully support your wife's desire, I encourage you (& her) to give serious thought to the investment being made. After all, a class is a class; a job is a job. Why not encourage her to go back to college and get her degree, or even a masters? Individuals in counceling with these types of degrees are more highly sought after than someone with a cursory lisensure, and they have more freedom with the clients, too. Additionally, going into addictios counceling is a high burn out position. Most people will not make it, and most families will go down with their alcholic.
(((Carlos))) - one of the many valuable Alanon concepts I am coming to rely on more and more is "When in doubt, don't".
You have gotten some great ESH and alternative suggestions thus far - if you're still feeling confused, then perhaps there's something else holding you back from making that financial commitment. Maybe a lack of trust or you're getting sucked in to her addict-style manipulation tactics? Just a thought.
In the end, go with your gut - trust your instincts rather than react to please her. Easier said than done, though, I know.
You're supposed to have 2 years recovery to be a counselor. I don't know that anywhere would employ her with a short sobriety time. Wait, wait and wait some more.
Hmm Carlos - I totally understand how you are feeling. Living a life w/an addict can be so hard. I have watched my ex ah get clean, prosper and then slip back into the abyss again. Then, clean, prosper, abyss. It is a viscious cycle. And I of course am leary of verbalizing my fear of the abyss being at hand whenever his behavior isn't to my liking. I fear mentioning it would send him spiralling. I fear not mentioning leads him to believe he is fooling me. It is a nasty tangled web we must navigate constantly. It can be exhausting.
For me, I would suggest delaying paying for any sort of training at this point in time. But that is just from my own experience. So many times in my ex ah's clean moments, he has decided to venture down a new career path that has required some sort of financial investment, whether in the form of new tools, clothes, etc. I make that investment. This new career lasts a few months, maybe a year. Then POOF! He sells what I bought, slips off into that abyss and I have lost out again.
