The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I kicked my drug addicted boyfriend of 8 years out of our home a little over a month ago. During the last 8 years together, I saw his addiction go from miserable to worse back to miserable, before it finally evened out for two to three years due to methadone maintenance. During that time, he developed a sober support system, continued to work, pursued healthy hobbies and attended AA meetings, but was still associating with people whose lives were out of control, and was in many ways, emotionally unavailable. I tried to stay away from his habit as much as I could, but know I have made countless mistakes along the way.
The weekend I said no more, he instantly decided during that moment that he wanted to kick his addiction to the curb once and for all, and quickly made arrangements to stay with a friend, and to investigate a variety of treatment options. The day he left, it felt so good to have the weight of that 800 million pound gorilla lifted. I spent the next week or two reveling in my newfound freedom - finally able to stretch and breathe in peace. Even our cats seemed happier.
Once each week we would meet. Those times allowed us to talk more in depth, and at times, we agreed, even felt like we had never been closer in our lives. It seemed like we had never been closer in our lives. And so the week before he checked himself into a detox center at a local hospital, he begged me to work with him on our relationship - mentioning that we could enter couples therapy, go on Al-Anon dates...anything to make it work. He looked so happy and excited, and I was sold.
Well, I am pleased to report that he has been out of the hospital for almost one week, is now staying with family, and is keeping busy with work and fun, sober activities with family and friends. He is also working with his sponsors to map out a stint at an in-patient treatment facility, followed by a stay in transitional housing.
But I have not heard from him, and the few times that I have, it seems like he only contacts me to gather something from the house or to say "Hi. How are you? It is hard for me to talk to you because I am in a lot of physical pain."
I know that detox from methadone can take a long time, especially when you haven't faced sobriety in close to 20 years. And for me to expect that a week of sobriety would pass and *poof* everything would be perfect is both grossly naive and absurd.
And so I keep having these selfish pity parties for myself. I feel guilty and ashamed for having enabled him for so long - reflecting on this makes feel like an abusive spouse. I feel angry with myself for not being more patient with him during this time - I feel like I am being clingy and needy and terse and self-centered. But I also feel hurt that I haven't heard from him - he may be in a lot of pain, but it certainly hasn't prevented him from connecting and spending time with others. And so it is frightening and heartbreaking to think that I have chosen to live with someone for eight years who has zero interest in me.
And so I also realize that it is just insane for me to make myself feel this way - in doing so I am not exhibiting love and care for myself, and in wallowing in this sludge I am certainly not sending positive supportive vibes his way. If any thing, I should be celebrating the strides we both have made, even if I have to do so from afar and without uttering a word. My whole purpose in breaking up with him was so that I could love myself, because I knew that there was nothing I could to change our situation for the better, and that he was the only one who could carry and impact his load. And so right now I'm just kind of vascillating between highs and some very big lows and everything in between. Fantasies of selling this house and running away to a big, bustling city where I know absolutely no one temporarily relieve the pain, but I know deep down that wherever I go, there I will be. Argh! Can I get a refund? Pretty please?
Meanwhile, I just keep telling myself that next month will be better, and try to do fun things with friends when I can stand it, and have reminded myself that the grieving process cannot be scheduled or perfected or conquered within a specific time frame. I have been journaling (its amazing how different I feel from day to day), I have been making honest, reflective lists, highlighting both positive and negative, and have also just started attending a F2F Al-Anon group. And I suppose that ultimately I will just have to let him go in order for either one us to get some place better.
Hello, well this is a good spot to start. If you have gotten this far your doing great. Stop back tonight at 9pm est and join us for our meeting. I have foound that everyone here will lend a helpng hand.
This is the right place to come and share your feelings. Here you will find great emotional strength and hope (ES&H) You are at the start of a great journey one that will bring you peace of mind and happiness. Its a great resource, posting really helps and there are online meetings also. I'm glad you are attending f2f meetings. What your feeling right now is perfectly normal, please dont be so hard on yourself. The guilt and shame of looking back on our part in the relationship is hard to take, You will come to see that you did your best at the time with what you knew. You acted out of love and concern for your partner the best way you knew how.
My Abf detoxed after a 25 yr addiction to herion and coke. He also was on Methadone then done a community detox on Subutex, it is a very difficult time. What your describing about his new life and behaviour is exactly what my bf went through. If I may I'll share my ES&H with you.
As my A got clean and went into rehab he started to work his program, living a new life, healing and growing. In order for him to do this he had to concentrate on himself 100% He need me less and less and had many other demands on his time. At this point I got into my own program, working the steps and going to meetings. I read everything I could around codependancy. This saved my life and probably stopped me messing up his recovery. He is now one year clean and doing great things with his new life.
Please take this new start and opportunity to focus on YOU. by doing this you will find happiness. Take the focus off your bf and place it firmly on yourself. Its a time of discovery and it can be painful. Lean heavily on Alanon and your new friends here. I look forward to getting to know you.
Living with an active addict is exhausting absolutely debiliating stuff. Ever watched the program Intervention on TV, the families are at their wits end.
We don't just pop back after an A goes on a binge. Expecting ourselves to do that is a set up. Give yourself time to grieve.
An addict in early recovery isn't up to much but trying to stay sober. Look at Getting them Sober (the book) if you can. You will get something out of that, Toby Rice Drew has some sage advice for those dealing with someone in early sobriety.
The only thing I would suggest is to throw yourself into al anon, that will help a great deal whether he stays sober or not.
Ur third to last paragraph screams acoa to me. I would highly suggest the book 12 Steps for Adult Children to you, as when I got my copy, it helped me identify & work out the twisted feelings I had. You know everything made me feel guilty. Especially when it came time to focus on me & love *me* ~ I felt guilty b/c I had never done it b4 & it was "my job" (in my sick lil brain) to help & tend to others. Besides, it was also scary & anxiety inducing b/c it was brand NEW behavior.
I think it is alot easier to learn to detach when ur not living together, u have actual space to take. But you have to take the space in your head too. If u are at all like me, loving me was so foregin, difficult & challenging, face it I didn't know what I was doing & coming from being suicidal, loving me was completely alien. I knew a fair amount about meta-physics & positive thinking (which I know sounds ridiculous coming from where I was, being so self destructive & even suicidal) but I felt like I could see all of my "heart/emotional hooks" were deep into other people, especially my mother. I had to do meditation & visualize my hooks coming out of her & turning them around & plugging into me. I had to do it several times. I got totally plugged into me & for my own life's sake - when I would feel myself thinking about someone else's mental heath (which is none of my business) I would immediately focus back on me. The truth is it took me a good year b4 I could focus on me without any guilty feelings & I could maintain focus for extened periods of time. I'd still slip once in a while but the practise was so much easier.
I met a non-A at that time & would say stuff, to him talking about my feelings, issues, family & I'd abruptly say, "ugh, not my problem I have to focus on me" so he saw me struggling with this.
I could see how tempting it would be to be all totally excited that ur A has made these huge strides. Simple awareness is huge, at first, but it is the beginning. All the work starts now. Awareness like love, isnt enough it takes willingness & work. As u focus on you & detach from ur A, ur right, u will be a much healthier partner for ur A but most especially for you. A's are used to us giving them all of our attention & u both need to learn how to act in healthier ways.
The best thing we can be for others, is the best us we can be. So it's win-win. I would suspect that your A has codie issues too, it seems that a lot of A's do. For us being enabling codies, we can get easily sucked back in. Learn to detach & make yourself a priority. This is healthy & ultimately it makes us resepctable & attractive.
If you dont love you & put you first, who will? I figured I'd better work hard on my issues b4 I ever think of having kids, I sure didnt want to pass this on. I want to pass on that I love myself, I am healthy. I am autonous from outside circumstances too -- see, in the past if something went wrong, I took it into my heart, like it was a plague on me & that kind of being -- well, the life was being sucked out of me, it was killing me spriitually taking these things on. Today I have emotional boundaries and if I get some bad news or a crisis to deal with from the world, it doesnt become a part of me. My psyche is safe inside & I am "ok".
Focus on YOU & take care, you are worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you for your warm welcome, encouragement and generous personal stories.
I feel better today, as he called last night, and we simply talked. I miss him and it was nice to hear his voice.
Before he called, I spent some time reading some things online about the mind of an addict, and barriers to recovery, and realized that I could easily identify with some of the distorted thinking that can come into play. I recently told someone in relation to this event, "You know...I have my act together in every other way except for this one thing." But I realize now that perhaps this statement isn't necessarily true. It is so easy to compartmentalize, but the reality of it is, everything is connected.
I am so fortunate that I have a great career that I feel passionate about - a career that allows me to be giving and helpful (I work in education). And my desire to yes in my career has taken my far. BUT, as I've climbed the ladder, I have always known that I have had trouble saying no, that I have problems establishing boundaries at work, and that I have convinced myself at times that I somehow needed to do everything on my own. Delegating does not come easily to me. And there have been many times as I've attempted to do all and be all where I have thought, "This has got to stop. It's going to come crashing down at some point if I don't change my approach. I can't handle everything. I feel like a fraud."
Well, I don't feel like a fraud at the moment, but I am grateful that I now recognize the fact that I simply can't do everything on my own. Nor should I. That doesn't mean that I can't stand alone and move forward alone in this life - it means I simply need to ask for support when needed and learn new and healthier ways of coping with stress and day-to-day responsibilities. No one has asked me to be perfect except me. And now I will have the time and opportunity to make some important changes.
So...it was nice to shift my focus for awhile, and when he called, our conversation was then very pleasant. He is physically feeling so much better, and sounds like he is looking forward to his future with a better understanding of the work ahead. And so I am.
