The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those of you who may not be familiar with my story, I'm currently living with an active AH. He's been drinking consistently for over 20 years and has gotten to the point where his non-drinking days may be 1 out of 10 at best.
We have been married for nearly 25 years, have 3 kids - 8, 18 and 20. The older 2 have moved out of the house already, so it's just the young one at home. The older kids have been introduced to Al-Anon - they know where to go when they are ready.
I have been in and out of Alanon for nearly 8 years now - in for a couple, out for a while, then back. Each time I've come back into the program I have pretty much picked up where I left off and started gathering new tools along the way. This my 3rd time back - I found this site in Sept 2008 and have been going back to f2f meetings as well as the online meetings regularly ever since. Thank God!
I've had a lot of light bulbs go off over the past 6 months that have helped me progress in my recovery. The most recent one was about a week or so ago - I was just doing some dishes - there was no drama going on at the time - and I just realized "I can't do this any more". My HP further validated this for me in my f2f meeting last Saturday through another member's share.
I have finally reached the point where I have acted on the decision to seek legal advice. Key word here is "acted" - I actually made the decision to do this a couple of months ago and have been waiting for things to clarify a bit for me before I made that phone call.
What spurred this decision to act? My HP lifted my blinders last Friday by pointing out to me that my AH can and will make poor decisions when it comes to the safety of our young son by driving with him in the car after having been drinking all day and all evening. When I calmly expressed my anger with him about it the next day, his response was "Well, I think we were pretty safe".
So, I am seeking legal counsel in a couple of days to see what my options are and to get some relief from some of my fears. At some level, I believe my AH's threats that he will "take me for everything I've got" and gain full custody of our precious child. Common sense tells me that this can't possibly happen given his addiction, but he has played on my fears very effectively and is very good at presenting a "normal" front.
All of this lengthy introduction brings me to the topic of this post. After speaking with my sponsor, she recommended I put together a list of the pros and cons of separating from my AH. Mind you, I have not made THAT particular decision yet, but it is certainly on the table especially in light of their little late evening jaunt to Whataburger while he was most definitely under the influence.
On the surface, this seems pretty simple. For example, one Pro is that I will get to physically detach from the insanity for longer periods of time and have a chance to heal. One Con is that there will be a financial and emotional price to pay for my child and subsequently me.
This is where I started thinking - are the Pros really expectations and the Cons really fears? And if so, is that really such a bad thing? Maybe I'm just over working this - it wouldn't be the first time and will likely not be the last, LOL.
At this point, all I know is that something has to change fairly soon. I'm doing my best to maintain my own peace of mind and am letting go of stuff left and right, but I feel like I have reached my limit of what I can tolerate.
Rest assured, I will not be putting my child in the position of having to get in a car with his dad when he's been drinking ever again. Silly me for believing my AH when he said they were going to cook at home that night while I went to a neighborhood Bunco party. I won't be believing THAT one again any time soon.
Needless to say, I am still angry at my AH for that one. Worse, I am still angry at myself for leaving the blinders on for so long. I know I'll get over this anger in due time, but I do think it has gotten me off my butt to at least consider what my options are going forward.
Thanks for listening and providing any ESH you can.
-- Edited by N8SMOM on Monday 6th of April 2009 05:44:27 PM
-- Edited by N8SMOM on Monday 6th of April 2009 05:44:58 PM
This is where I started thinking - are the Pros really expectations and the Cons really fears? And if so, is that really such a bad thing?
That makes total sense. If I was to make a list like that, I can guarantee that my Pros would be all the common sense stuff and the Cons would be the fears. But like you said, that's not necessarily a bad thing - it's the truth.
I applaud you for taking your child's safety into your own hands. No matter what hardships you may face, it'll be worth it for yourself and your son in the end.
I have to tell you that my Dad is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 25 years. My old sister told me the other day that she HATED him up until 23 years ago. How sad is that? She had to deal with his drinking - luckily I was too young to notice anything was wrong.
You're doing an amazing thing for yourself and your son - keep up the good work.
-- Edited by N8SMOM on Monday 6th of April 2009 05:45:16 PM
I dont think your 'over working' this. I see great insight and clarity in your post.
The idea of Pro's being expectations and Cons being fears is very inspirational. The fear of possible emotional and finacial loss can hold you back, maybe by seeing them as a price you pay for the happiness and peace of mind you will gain,will lessen their weight.
The items on the Cons list may be fears, in the Future Events Appearing Real way.
Thank you for your post, your insight and considerd approach will no doubt bring you success.
bg, you sound good to me. You sound balanced and clear. I like what you said about the pros and the cons. Another angle that I have been thinking about lately is the 20/10 factor. What if I had 20 million in the bank and only 10 years to live? Would I be doing what I am doing right now? Its one (of many) ways to view my choices and review if what I am doing is really what I want to do. It helps me to put the responsibility back onto me. Hugs, J.
Good for you for being the Thinker in your household... Once you realize that there is no other choice, sometimes it makes our choices easier to come by... I know that I too... Would in deed do the same for my son... My Afather didn't like his kids around when he drank... That is why 95% of his life he was on a bar stool, He went there to find people just like him to feel sorry for the "Poor John" of it all...
It is truly sad what this disease can do to a family... But I can tell you when my parents split when I was 9 years old... And at the time, I did get mad at my mother but I truly DID NOT understand the disease that my father had... But Looking back... I am sooo Glad she did... Mainly because the craziness I seen while living with him... I remember the holes in the wall, the screaming, busting stuff, he would leave for work and not come home for 2 weeks... And then just walk in carring his lunch box like he never left... I can remember the pain I saw in my mothers eyes everytime he would return... Just waiting and wondering what would be next...
My mom tho...Would never allow my father to have us kids in the car... If we were to visit him after the divorce. My mom ALWAYS took us too him, and picked us up, and made dang sure he wasn't going ANY were while we were with him... It is what you have to do to protect your children...
Like the Serenity Prayer says... serenity to except the things you can't change and the COURAGE to Change the things you can... You keep taking care of you, and your son... And regardless of the out come of your decissions... Just keep reacing for the happiness that you both deserve... Al-anon will help get you there... One Day At A Time... YOUR DOING GREAT :
Keep Coming back... Works if you work it:) Love & Prayers Jozie
-- Edited by Jozie on Tuesday 7th of April 2009 06:51:11 AM
I did not leave the ex A until the cons outweighed the pros. There was indeed a huge price to pay for it. I am still paying it. I may never get over it. I do know I am no longer cleaning up his mess. I am grateful for that.
