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My AH moved out 3 weeks ago asking for a seperation but everything leading up to that and several things since had indicated not only to me but to others that there was a female involved.
Yesterday he admitted that there was a female he was attracted to or interested in and had been on a "date" with her a couple of times. My gut tells me that this a female from AA. Mostly because of a comment he made a couple of months ago about this individual commenting about how nice he looked and had he lost weight, etc. And then just last week another female from that AA group commenting to me (she knows me through another group not related to AA) that she had heard all about our separation (from my AH) and adding (without being prompted) she was "sure there was no one else". I know that this particular female calls and texts him frequently. Another reason I had my suspicions because his phone was suddenly locked and he said he didn't want me seeing the numbers.
So just how anonymous is this particular AA, when they know all ones history, including the spouses?? And, is it proper for males and females to communicate this much???
I realize there is nothing I can do but helping get this out makes it a little better.
Welcome to MIP. If you haven't done so already, I strongly encourage you to find a face 2 face meeting in your area. You will find women (and some men) there who know what you are going through because, in one way or another, they have gone through it too!!
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through, but you need to know that you are not alone. In early recovery, oftentimes the A seeks out another A to "help" or "save" because it is easier than doing the work that needs to be done to truly recover. The A is just starting to really feel emotions again, and those emotions can be very confusing for the A--the A oftentimes has little or no experience in how to form healthy relationship or how to set appropriate boundaries with others. It is for that reason that AA discourages close male-female friendships in early recovery.
The A can be drawn to another A because he feels that the other A really knows and understands what he is going through. (It works with both sexes, but I'll use the masculine because my experience relates to my AH)
Another reason for the attraction to the other A is that there is no history. The A doesn't have to deal with the "wreakage of the past" and all of the terrible things that he did while drinking. So, it can be a form of avoidance--to avoid dealing with the pain that he caused. A pain that he will eventually have to face in order to truly recover.
All of that being said, there is nothing you can really do about it. Just as you could not control his drinking, you cannot control his behavior. He has to work through his own stuff. All you can do is take care of you. You can go to Al-Anon and start focusing on recovering from the effects of the the disease. You can learn how to set boundaries for acceptable behavior--for what you will accept from him.
This is an incredibly painful part of recovery as it relates to couples. But, there is hope.
As for anonymity--the principle generally relates to anonymity outside the fellowship, not within the groups.
I hope that you keep coming back!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
SLS - Thank you!! What you say makes a lot of sense!! One day he thinks it can all work out and he wants to work on our relationship and the separation is just temporary. The next day there is NO hope and he doesn't even think we should go for counseling.
I have been attending f2f for a couple of weeks now, 3 times a week. But have really yet to connect to someone that I feel like I could call. I'm not understanding the boundaries part, can you explain what should be done there?? I know what boundaries are but do I tell him how far I'm willing to be pushed??? I guess that's what I don't understand.
I like what you say about the avoidance of pain. Since I can't possibly have been caused any pain because to him, I caused the pain!!!
I do have hope!!!
And, thanks for answering the anonymity question. He attends 2 different AA meetings and this particular one is attended by several people that know both of us (from outside of AA) and it's always a little uncomfortable when they approach me in another setting and want to talk about what he said "before" the meeting!!
Can a boundary that I set with him be that he not participate in calling/texting this certain individual??? Or, is that trying to control the situation?????? Sounds like control to me!!! I can answer my own questions!!! It's just all so confusing right now.
I will just continue to work on myself and hope he realizes the family he left is still standing beside him and loving him!!
Really that member should not have reported it if she heard it in a meeting.
I used to look at the ex A's phone numbers. He loved that and while he complained really he was all for my being focused on him. Needless to say none of my needs were met.
In Al anon we don't police AA. We look to ourselves. We look to our own recovery. We can't control any but ourselves.
