The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Basically to really cut it short, children attache themselves to their parents by having a safe haven and an environment that is responsive to them. I grew up with neither. Violence and neglect were the common denominators of my childhood.
So in doing a 4th step with my sponsor I'm beginning to see that in my adult relationships I never sought a safe haven or what's called goal directed partnership. I did not have the background, the structure to do that. Of course now I'm not exactly sure what a safe haven is in a realtionshiip but I know that angry abusive people don't generally have them. I also know that in general an active alcoholic is not going to be able to be goal directed.
I'm beginning to see that my choices as an adult weren't necessarily my fault, I did the best I could with what I had. Now I know better and can look at my choices rather tha make them (because I am so desperate to be "attached") I can look at what a partnership really is rather than obsess about what I do not have.
Great Share... I hope to some day be at the place you are... For a Need some HOPE in my world this week... Your doing great... Keep up the great work and keep sharing... After the week I have begun, I don't know if my "ESH" would be much help. But glad things are looking up for you... Your doing great:)
thank you jozie. the more I do research the more I become aware that the ex A was neither capable or willing to do what was needed to sustain a relationshp. I kep trying to remonstrate that he was but he was not. Expectations are everything my expectations that the ex A would change were way off. That only contributed to my distress
I would become instantly enmeshed & totally attached in other b/c I was not plugged into me. Once I was working on self love & actually was discovering what it was, the tendency was still there to attach completely but i knew it was not healthy or good for me, so as I became aware of it, I would unhook from others & plug back into me. I am a lot healthier now, as it doesnt happen much anymore, takes a lot of awareness, practice, commitment to the very practice & finally validating that I do love me first. It is still all fairly new & I was practicing self love when I did not honestly really love me or value me but it developed over time. I had to delve into childhood to find that loveable part of me, more or less it was a rescue mission only this time I was rescuing me -- someone that would truly appreciate it!!! And I do & continue to grow.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
for me its helpful to see how my style of interacting caused problems. I find it gets me out of the victim role. I am not of course the only party responsible for the mess that the ex A created. I did my part in not being willing to look at how I was so insecure. Now I am. I may never have another relationship that is a committed one as I am far too fearful of the consequences when things go wrong. I am no longer willing to take those kind of risks without being aware of the problems. I leapt in before. Now I wait and wait and wait some more. I don't people please and I value my self.
I have often said that my AH was my 'port in the storm'.That might sound strange to feel 'safe' with an alcoholic but I am beginning to understand why I felt that way. I married him at 17 and I am very sure that it was not only because he gave me the attention I was so desparate for,but also to get away from my family. I grew up with violence and anger and fear.I was always a very fearful child and never felt safe with my family.I was always listening for voices to be raised or someone to flare up.I never felt valued or loved. My AH didn't drink when I dated him,at least not with me.He was backward and shy and adored me. It didn't take long after the marriage for the drinking to start and the anger and control.Still I felt more in control and safe with him than my family.I now know I stayed with him so long because I feared my family trying to take over my life if I left him.I didn't think I could or should stand up for myself against them.I carried that fear well into adulthood and in fact only in the last couple of years have I finally stood up to them and broken contact completely. I have always been a happier person,even dealing with my alcoholic husband ,when I was away from them and out of contact with them. My AH was a functional alcoholic.He always worked,gave me his paycheck,drank at home.He wasn't mean or abusive when he drank just made a fool of himself and fell asleep.During those years I guess I was mostly in control because he didn't care,just let me handle everything as long as he had his beer in the fridge. The real misery has been since he got 'sober', or quit drinking if you want to call it sober.he doesn't drink but is very hard to live with now. Now God is my 'port in the storm'.My strength comes from Him and I no longer need to fear my family or anyone.I can stand up for myself,I know I have choices and I can choose to live any way I want.I can take care of myself,I can be happy no matter what someone else does. I owe most of that to Alanon.MIP was my temporary port in the storm for 2 years straight.Online meetings and the message board pulled me through.Alanon reading material and other books on codependency,etc also helped me get to where I am today.I still come here often and read.Sometimes reading the posts I am reminded of where I used to be and find grattitude for where I am now.Sometimes I still get light bulb moments and find strength here. After the break up of my marriage I started to see every man as a potential next husband.Thank God I am not doing THAT anymore.Your post made me realize I had been looking for another 'safe haven' to run to. Today I am not so desparate.I know,for me, I do not want another alcoholic,sober or not.I have just had too much of it,I am done.I am tired of 'the disease'.I want to enjoy my life without that.It's enough to have the effects on me that I have to deal with every day.
