SOmetimes I detect convoluted thinking. - Al-Anon Family Group

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

SOmetimes I detect convoluted thinking.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL! I knocked mine over the head with a book once....bad idea on my part!

I hated it to, but then again what's that old saying...blood from a stone? So, I stopped trying to stab the stone, put down my knife and walked away from the stone.

I'd rather be alone than with a stone. But that's just me.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the thing for you to do here is take a step back and really examine what you ARE getting out of this relationship because we continue doing something because we are getting something from it. The question is what? and is that what worth the tradeoff?

-- Edited by carolinagirl on Monday 6th of April 2009 10:14:34 AM

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

DIVA... (((((HUGS)))))

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH... I have not been able to crack a Smile thru the tears today, and when I read your last Line... I swear you knew what I was thinkin

I am not by ANY MEANS belittling your feelings and emotions, but if you checked out my posts you will see I am inching my way from doing the same with my book for my Abrother.. Maybe today even...

I so get what you are saying about... WHY we need help when they are the A@@... I am sorry that you can't have an emotional attachment with him... My Husband has that issue too, to him, ya just go to the Shop till "I get over my need for discussion"... So I see that for sure..

But you should know that I was

so hard that the

flowed like water... But for the 1st time today... They was Tears of Joy... Feeling Your Pain :)

Thank You....

Friends In Recovery.... Jozie

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Diva,

I used to wonder how Alanon could say that you can be happy no matter what the A is doing, I still do. How, even if you have conquered your weaknesses, found new friends and become a pillar of strength, can you be happy if you feel you are the only one in the relationship?
That's like saying you can be placed on a deserted island and be happy as a clam.

I think If you are with someone that is not meeting the most basic aspects of a relationship we have to give ourselves permission to do what is best for us. If that includes kicking them to the curb, then so be it.

When my husband was active the concept of being truly "happy" was hard to wrap my head around. Honestly, I did do things to improve my situation and it was much better, but for me, calling it "happy" was a stretch, always just out of reach.

So, my conclusion is/was you can be happy but not necessarily with someone that is a emotional vampire. In my case it was even more confusing because he always told me he loved me, would always listen...but I was talking to a alcoholic and he would turn around and leave for the bar after he listened..leaving me alone again.

As much as we love each other I can't say that I would have hung in there. I think at some point that I would have cut myself free to pursue happiness on my terms.

For anyone that has found the secret to being TRULY happy while being married to a person with the disease...kudos to them. I personally wanted and needed more out of life.

Christy

-- Edited by Christy on Monday 6th of April 2009 12:55:49 PM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I do know I can't "make" anyone do anything. I also know what it is to be with someone who is content not to even to try to meet my needs. I sympathize. I am pretty selective in what I read. For exaple Melody Beattie does not advocate anti depressants. I'm not saying they are for everyone but I know they help certain people.

We can take what we like and leave the rest. I also very much understand the impulsve to try to control the A. I did that for 7 years, got me nowhere. He got his needs met, I didn't. From day one he was setting out to do that and he did that and only that until I stopped interacting with him.

Maresie.

blender_girl · Senior Member

I'm thinking of alternate places for that book! Maybe some kind of forceful insertion, LOL.

I don't know which is worse - the ostrich or the emotional vampire who turns your feelings against you. Both scenarios stink.

I don't consider myself a needy person either, but am also not a robot. I finally realized that my AH is not the only one in this household who's human.

-- Edited by blender_girl on Monday 6th of April 2009 01:34:34 PM

SLS · Senior Member

I think the "book" is, at least in part, about living in reality and not denial. For me, it's about seeing the A for who he really is and not for who I want him to be; identifying what I need from a partner; and then deciding whether or not I can live with the A without resenting him for not being more than he is--I am still working on that last bit.

Yours in Recovery,

SLS

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Diva))))))))),

Your post reminded me of a song I love, it's sad though because the man realized too late that he missed what matters most.

Maria

Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_MBQDyUw0g

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

You could line 10 guys up against the wall, and I'd pick the sickest one every time. When I left the EXAH, little did I know I took the problem right along with me, and the problem was looking right back at me in the mirror.

I'd always rationalize that each one was different than the EXAH-they all had jobs, none of them beat me like he did, one was very responsible for his children from a prior marriage, yada yada yada. Every single one of them was emotionally unavailable.

Today I'm thankful for the day the ex-fiance walked out the door after my savings account was drained, my job was over caring for his two daughters when they came to spend a month with us over the summer, and I was left standing alone.

I hit my codependent bottom. I just knew I could not live that way anymore. The pain of doing the same thing over and over had finally exceded the fear of being alone.

I no longer have a need for emotionally unavailable people in my life, whether it's lovers or adult children or former friends.

Once I accepted my 'broken-ness', and become willing to work on it, without a man in my life, my journey truly began.

ThisIsBlythe · Veteran Member

I think that alanon's message is more that we can go on DESPITE the alcholic's behavior problems, rather than become so depressed and frustrated we ourselves stop functioning well and cease to be productive human beings. I know that happened to me.

Once I learned that I could not stop my husband from drinking, no matter how much I shared with him about the health effects of heavy drinking I began to realize that perhaps my energy could be better spent elsewhere. I did not learn this in alanon, I learned it the hard way, after many years of wasted effort.

Once I began to focus on me again, and once again pursue my hopes, dreams, and professional goals I was a lot happier, but life was still very much a struggle as I functioned as a single parent. I had a husband, but he was totally unavailable to me in every way, and truly was just "money and muscle" as he so aptly put it, that was his choice. The only thing he is good for is paying some bills (money) and lifting some heavy tree branches that blow down in storms (muscle). Everyone has different boundaries and mine are that a man living in my household must work full time and support himself (I don't support men) and help out with expenses and do all of the outside work and take out the garbage. My husband did that and ONLY that. If I got sick he didn't lift a finger to help me, I had pneumonia and had to order pizza and chicken wings delivered since I was too sick to cook.

Now, did it feel good to have a husband so indifferent to my suffering? NO! Was this due to some fault of mine? NO! I know some alanoners will lecture me about "expectations" but expecting NORMAL behavior from a family member is sort of...well...NORMAL.

I learned to function under these circumstances, but it wasn't easy and no it had nothing to do with me. There is no book or tape or anything on earth to make it OK that my husband would not so much as buy me a can of soup when I was too sick to get out of bed.

I know exactly what you are talking about Diva, and my husband is the same way, he is an emotional black hole...my love, devotion and caring are sucked into his cavernous black soul and NOTHING comes back out to me. Nothing...

Again, is this some failure on my part? NO! Does this have anything to do with me? NO!

Like others have said, it is up to me to decide if I can tolerate living with a black hole that looks like a person. For now the answer is yes since he is rather high functioning and doesn't violate my boundaries (cheating, not working, name calling, abuse, etc. basically all of the normal stuff most healthy women won't put up with). The answer for me is also yes since children are involved and while he is a black hole in general, they seem to like his presence in the home for some reason or another. He is the indifferent sort of drunk rather than an abusive one.

However, that answer may change at any time.

I deal with it by realizing that it is my choice for now to put up with it and knowing I have the power to change my mind when I please. I also rely more on my family and friends for dealing with trying times rather than turn to my mate like I would like. It is my friends and family who go to doctor appointments with me, celebrate milestones with me, and I can and confide in when things get too much for me. I would rather have a husband to share this stuff with, but I don't, and that is the hand life dealt me.

I too am not "needy"but it would be nice to have a little kindness shown to me by my own husband. I get more from strangers...

Blythe

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks to all of you who took a few minutes to respond. Great discussion! Making all of us think brings me great pleasure as most of you who have been around a while already know. I am sometimes controversial, sometimes one-of-the-crowd, but I always try to keep it interesting. Thanks again for your participation.

Best wishes to all,

Diva

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Diva))),

Good discussion. Sorry I missed it. I must have had my head in the sand. I will say that there are times when I have kept my walls up so that I don't get hurt. Funny, Tim was the only one who could really see through that. He use to kick me in the you know what when I did that. You keep pushing us and being controversial. It's good for us. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Love to the pets too!

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.