Snapped......I finally just snapped-HELP!! In need of ESH badly... - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Snapped......I finally just snapped-HELP!! In need of ESH badly...

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

What was said was said. Perhaps it was way past time for you to let him know exactly how you feel. I say dump the guilt and go on with your head high and your spirits up. You did nothing wrong. My opinion is my own and will probably not match anyone else's.

Have a good day,

Diva

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Shelly, he is not in AA. He is not healthy. He is no example of what a recovering person looks like. Don't judge AA or any 12 step program on the intimacy of one person.

I would guess that your guilt is similar to the guilt that an A experiences when they slip. You had a slip. It happens to all of us. You reacted. And I so understand the feeling of relief mixed with the feeling of guilt. Again, I assume that is how the A feels when they slip.

Now, what do you want to do next? Let him go? Continue to engage with someone who is so obviously unhealthy? Focus on yourself?

My ex is one of the kings of AA around here. Yet, he hasn't seen or made any contact with his 3 kids who live 3 blocks from him after having been an ok dad on and off for 10 years. He dumped them for the woman he is currently with. He refuses to pay support and I have to drag him to court every few months. He raped me (while sober, in the program) his GF is wearing MY mother's engagment ring which he stole (while sober and in AA) from my home. He and his current GF stole MY mother's credit cards (while sober and in AA and going to AA conventions) and ran them up.

For the record, despite being in AA for YEARS, he has never even attempted to make amends to me or my family or his own kids. Never. Not once. Not even after his 4th and 5th step. But yes, he is popular and respected in the rooms of AA. Not by all, there are many AAers who see him for what he is, but he avoids those people like the plague.

Now, I can very very easily get all sorts of wrapped up in all that crap. But what does it get me excpet wrapped in crap? Who wants to be wrapped in crap? Ew!

Brush yourself off, give yourself a hug, realize you are human and you slipped but don't give up on YOUR recovery because he is a sick person. Seperate yourself from him and move forward. Be kind and gentle with yourself and know that No Contact is an option for you. And can be so beneficial for the lifting of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Seems to me this could be your moment. You can make a decision to stop letting the A determine if you are happy or not. The decision rests squarely on you.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I also told him if leading people on and treating them like he does is what he learned after 10 years in AA then I don't think the program is for me and pretty much told him that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to know him anymore

You can't control how he works his program or if you think he is working it correctly. But you can surely control how you work YOURS. You can control your actions, reactions and responses by protecting yourself with some personal boundaries.

If I was your sponsor I would suggest you (a) get to a meeting and (b) let Step 1. sink in and begin this program with you in mind, not him. I would suggest to you that a little reflection is in order. Ask yourself what part you play in all this. Are you causing/allowing the resentments and the drama by your own actions? Is your focus practicing and understanding the steps of your program or is it on him, his program, and his wants/needs?

There's a saying: If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Christy

-- Edited by Christy on Monday 6th of April 2009 09:38:01 AM

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes when we let things build up we do have to just snap. Maybe this was you telling yourself that you're done more than telling him. I wouldn't be too concerned with guilt about laying it all out there, he wasn't too concerned about stringing you along and hurting you. Sometimes you hurt people, it happens. Your disappointment is because of your expectations of him. I felt this same way when my boyfriend dumped me on Wednesday. I know it's me being needy, me being demanding, my expectations/hopes/dreams and the feeling of loss when they are yanked away. Sometimes it's not possible to just be friends, sometimes no contact for a good long time is required before you can start again as friends. Do what's right for you!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a 1,000 things to say to the ex A every single day ( I called him and thought of him night and day regardless) He was the focal pont of my life for 7 years . I spent a lot of time trying to communicate with him. He wasn't much interested in what I had to say. He had an interest in what I did for him. He never took my needs, my time, ny interests seriously. I raged, raged, screamed, demanded and cried. He still didn't take my needs seriously. When I detached, really really detached. I did not have so much to say to him. In fact I had very little I focused on myself. I stopped arguing with him, I did intereact with him. I made requests, not demands. If he didn't meet the request I moved on. I stopped asking him to be the center of my universe because he wasn't interested, never was, never did. He put on a great great seduction show when we first met but that was about it. When I stopped banging my head agsinst the wall of trying to change him (which took years) things really changed for me.

Maresie.

grateful · Veteran Member

I'll tell you what a wise member of alanon told me in a f2f meeting years ago...best advice I ever got......
detach ....detach....detach

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