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This is my first entry here. My husband is an alcoholic and is an off again on again kind of binge drinker. Because he goes for weeks or even months at a time without a drop, he then justifies that he is not an alcoholic, of course. He will typically say he will go to lunch and see us at home later and any time he is out without us he will drink and then not come home till the bars close. As soon as he is the tiniest bit later than my son thinks he should be, my son begins the dialogue about how he knows dad is drinking and that HE should have gone with him because then dad would not have had any alcohol and therefore would be home with us. It is very sad to see my son taking on the codependant role already but it is happening. I have always kept an open dialogue with him and encouraged him to share his feelings with me which he does but I am starting to see signs of damage that is permanent. I have taught my son as much as I can about forgiveness and remind him over and over again that it is never his fault and not ever his responsibility. He is less willing to forgive as each episode deepens the resentment. I have explained addiction to him as best as I think he can understand but of course at his age he can't understand why dad would chose alcohol over him. I never drink and my son knows he can always count on me but it is not enough for this boy who worships his daddy and hates him at the same time.
Is there an appropriate program for 10 year olds, a group or something that might give him better tools to deal with this?
Motherhen, As far as I can tell your doing everything right. Telling the boy that it's not his fault, teaching him about forgiveness, and not his responsiblility to take care of his dad. Be sure to tell him that alcoholism is a disease and that his dad is sick and that only his dad can choose to get help for himself, no one else can do that for him.
There used to be an organization called alatots, I don't think it's in existance anymore, haven't heard anything about it in quite a while. But 10 years old is getting close to the teen years so it won't be long until he would qualify for alateen, probably a few more years. They talk about pretty hard core stuff in the alateen groups sometimes, I've been an alateen sponsor, a 10 year old problably wouldn't be ready for.
Meanwhile, keep on doing what your doing, encourage you boy that it's not his fault and to love his dad, while hating the behavior. It's the disease that causes the behavior not the person.
WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY:) Glad to have ya... Hope you keep coming back:)
My Father was also an A... And at 9yrs old my parents split up... So my mom removed me from it, but the pain is still there...
I will say this... My mother never said a Cross word about my Afather when she left... I would come home upset because I would hear of "yet another" one of my fathers issues, and she would just hug me and say... "Don't judge him for it is an illness" He has to choose to want help... and she would leave it at that... I have a son just a little older then yours, and my Abrother has put me thru the mill since loosing my Afather to alcoholism just 5 months ago... I do not lie to my son, I tell him very honestly what my Abrother is, I tell him openly what is going on... About the disease, I handed him some pamplets from al-anon that could "Better" explain the disease, and he seems to understand a little more... He still gets very angry when my Abrother does something wrong, but he recovers quickly...
I boy and his father is a great bond to have, and it is not your son responsibility to keep your husband in check... I know what that feels like, but you are doing the right thing telling him what you are... Just keep reminding him of the illness, and the choices, and if he is anything of a fire ball as I was when I was little, he will soon let your husband know {How it makes him feel} and I am sure for his Dad that will be a hard reality...
Your doing good.... Keep up the good work... And keep coming back for support... You are at the right place... And we are Glad to have ya... :) In al-anon we are not to tell you "what" to do...So please take what you like and leave the rest... Being in al-anon and the support that it gives you will find that it is a nice place to fall...
There are some "Child Friendly" pamplets that you can get from Al-teen, or Al-anon meetings... That would help your son.. And maybe you reading them with him, or too him would better help him understand... Your doing the right thing so keep up the good work...
Friends in Recovery :) Jozie
-- Edited by Jozie on Sunday 5th of April 2009 06:02:00 PM
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, it gave me a lift! I will keep encouraging my son to love and forgive and retain the Alanon basics to keep me going so that I can be supportive of my son until he's old enough to attend his own meetings, I agree that he is a bit young for Ala-teen. Glad I sought out this resource! Thanks for the support and prayers. Motherhen
wow MH, my best thoughts and prayers are with you and your family- its a tough situation to be in but it sounds like you are doing the right things! Hugs, J.
Some alateen groups allow younger people to attend , ask around and talk to the sponsors of the group if u find one . Al-Anon prints a book called WHATS DRUNK MAMA . awsome little book for pre teens , explains the disease , encures them it's not thier fault , also encourages them to focus on themselves . i't s written for kids . someone just told me there are books on E-bay as I know this book is out of print now u might be able to find one at the al anon literature depot in your area ask at a meeting . A friend of mine purchased the alateen daily reader called an ADAT = a day at a time . she read a page every nite then asked her kids what they thought it meant then she would explain what she thought it meant .it really made a diff for her kids again all alateen literature is written by kids for kids , Ipersonally love it , those kids know how to keep it simple and they get right to the point . good luck Louise
You might want to consider individual counseling for your son as well. My daughter will be 10 soon, and I have two kids younger than she is. The two older kids are seeing individual counselors to help them handle some of the things they're feeling. Even though we're no longer living together, my kids want to take care of daddy. They are insecure and readily blame themselves when things go wrong that are completely out of their control. I do the best I can to reassure them these things aren't their fault. It's okay to love daddy; he's sick. But I think it helps them to have someone they can talk to outside the family who won't be judgemental, but will just help them figure out what's best for them personally.
Their dad relapsed (again) Friday night, and ended up in jail. When he didn't answer the phone the third time I called, my 8-year-old son said, "Daddy's drinking beer again, isn't he?" They're all sad and will have plenty to discuss with their counselors this week....
Thanks again, this was a rough day made much better by your support. I can feel the love and understanding and appreciate you taking time to share with me. I will keep checking in and keep reading, breathing, praying all the good stuff. Wish I would have found you guys years ago!!
We have 3 alateen groups in my area. My daughter was 11 when one started at my home group and she started going. I would ask around at your meetings to see what the adverage age of the alateen groups are. The other two groups are much older alateens.
Talking to him is priceless, counceling is a great idea, just make sure you find a counslor who is an addiction specialist. Going to a counslor who isn't can be detremental and actually cause way more damage. People who don't understand addiction and give advice usually make the situation worse.
Remember this is HIS life, it will be HIS history and it is HIS relationship he experiences with his father and that is different than the relationship that you are seeing from the outside. His memories will be his own and he may have a different take on his childhood when all is said and done than you'd ever even imagine.
What about therapy that might help. Then your son can grieve the loss of his father. I'm not sure I would encourage a child to forgive. Anger is appropriate that he has lost his father. Forgiving comes later.
Glad to have ya... 