The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my home group we focussed on perfectionism. Perfectionism is such a rampant symptom of our disease. Its a great topic and one I hope to gain more ES & H on through this post. I think I am really understanding WHY perfectionism is such a toxic thing for me. For me, perfectionism is actually fear in action. When I am afraid, my perfectionism kicks in big time. When I want to control (really CONTROL) its my perfectionism that kicks in. Its also a hallmark of my shame. I always think I could have done better. That I am not good enough so I need to be extra careful and take extra time in order to insure a perfect outcome.
I know in my brain that perfection is not possible yet I find myself trying to be perfect often without even thinking about it in little ways!
And it makes sense- so much was so far out of control in my childhood growing up- I learned that JUST MAYBE if I could just do just one thing "right", maybe things would calm down, maybe they would love me, maybe they would stop being mean, etc. I was desperate at the tender age of what- 4 or 5 to try to be good enough, to be perfect.
I know for me the perfectionism came out of being raised by an Alcoholic father that was and is quite the controlling perfectionist. And to make it worse for me, he backed it up! Not with absolute perfection of course, but he is a brilliant, talented man...excellent at any thing he puts his mind to doing.
I saw that. I wanted to have my dad's approval. So I tried so hard to be perfect too. But no matter how well I did, no matter how good I was (and I got a lot of my daddy's talents I now understand) my Dad was/is incapable of telling me "Good job son, I am proud of you".
So I thought I was not good enough. Or that the things I did were not done well enough.
Through working the steps I know that is not true now nor was it true then. I was the one who though things were not good enough. It is true that at times my dad would pick out the one or two things about something that were not perfect instead of pointing out the good things, but I know now that is just who he is. I know he learned his behavior from his alcoholic father, just like I learned it from my dad.
Never did my dad say, when I had done something that I felt was pretty good, that what I had done was awful. He would just point out what I could have done to achieve perfection as he saw it. And sometimes he might even redo what I had done, the way he thought it needed to be.
How many times did I do the same thing for my own step sons. Not because I wanted to hurt them or make them feel less. But to make them better. To help them on their own journey to perfection. For their good!
That was my perfectionism. That was my disease, which I had been given and was passing on.
I still struggle with being perfect. But I am sooooo much better. So much more understanding towards myself.
Sometimes now a job done well, or even mediocre, is good enough! There is a bigger picture out there for me to be aware of.
wellllllll i found a great one liner in our old forum years ago about perectionism , ready ?? DEFINITION OF A PERFECTIONIST -- PROFFESSIONAL FAULT FINDER !!! hope it help u like it did me . Louise
Professional Fault Finder - huh, yes, that would describe me as well. Fault Finding in myself as well as in others, ... mostly those closest to me.
I wonder if the opposite of perfection in this context would not necessarily be imperfection, but acceptance? If I give up on the "fault finding" missions, then I am accepting what is. I am accepting of my weaknesses and those of others. I am accepting of myself for who I am, and others for who they are.
Interesting ...
Thanks for the topic Jean, it is an area that I need to give much consideration.
Ya know... I have been telling people all over town that "Profectionism" is something I never strived for... but after reading your post, I feel like quite a fool :(
but your right... When I fear something... I guess with me it kicks in as well... I have always been one that when something "Bad" happened, I just kicked in high gear and got things done.. {mostly driven by fear}But thinking on it, YES... I always wanted to get "Someones" attention weather it be good bad or ugly, and now thinking about it, my fear was not to be loved, not to be cared for, no were safe to fall...
So I am guess'n I have to add "Profectionlist" to my list of life changes...lol... Thats ok... After this week, whats one more thing :) HP will most likely drag me thru kick'n and scream'n...lol...
Thanks for openin my eyes...Now I am going to get me some new books and start paying better attention to all my issues.. of this lovely disease...
Love & Prayers to you Ms. Jean... Friends in Recovery Jozie
It is still awesome that I can continue to come to the family and learn about the problem and the solution on the same day. I relate to all of the input on the problem of perfectionism and need to remember that when I am practicing it I am continuing the dysfunction of expectations from my alcoholic upbringing. Everyone that had to do with my upbringing had the goal of perfection for me and not one of them talked about accepting the very best I could do or did and accepting myself for who I was at that time. Even my friends were full of put downs and rarely did I find affirmation until I got to the rooms of the AFG. I found I was carrying the message of my being less than everytime I failed to accept the reality of my self and what I had created. I have no one to please today but myself however I have to allow acceptance to be right at hand or I fall off the cliff with self hate, disgust and putdowns.
Somehow I picked up the banner of "less than" when I got away from the finger pointers who constantly needed to hold me under.
"...and I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems." That from the 3rd edition of the AA Big Book and Dr. Paul it's author. He was right. I have found in my search thru this program of recovery nothing else that answers the problem. It helped me to get off of my alcoholic wife's back and allow her to find recovery and a wagon load of other problems caused my my ideas that it or them or they or he or she or whatever could be better in order for me to be happy.
NOT!!
Right now at this time, at this place, with these people, on this subject for these reasons is how good it gets. I am powerless over anything else.
Funny you should mention this. I was having a conversation at work with a colleague about this. She is an ACOA. Her perfectionsim comes from trying to please her alcoholic father and never getting his approval. She said it also comes from not being able to control her father's drinking. She is obsessive compulsive in some behaviors as well. She was telling me stories of how she would try and wash away the pain in the shower for hours. She has improved with that as she has gotten older.
I remember hubby telling me much the same stories. It was a way to please his mother who physically and emotionally abused him as a child. He didn't know when to let go. Even after she passed he was still trying to prove to his mother that he was worth it. That he was a good boy. So sad... I believe at times it also hindered his recovery. He was a brilliant man - sometimes too intelligent for his own good. He would question everything about his recovery. It drove the doctors and councelors crazy when he was in rehab. They were both trying to control things that they had no control over. Boy does that ever ring a bell.
As for me, I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist. There are certain things I am meticulous about. Other things I have learned to let go because it just isn't worth it. As my mother used to remind me: "If the world was perfect it would be boring! Who wants to live in a boring world?" I know I don't. Great topic to contemplate. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know I don't. Great topic to contemplate. Much love and blessings to you and your family.