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my AH has deserted me as you might know to live in the west indies for a while. He has also deserted his children (who do not live with me) but I know have been effected by this, particularly the 11 year old daughter. Her father didnt actually tell her when he was home briefly to sort things out, that he was going back - he obviously cant face the upset. I believe its called a geographical cure, but hes now apparantly decided to stay there, meaning he wont see his children more than once maybe a year, this from a religious every other weekend of collecting them from different parts of the country and bringing them here to be together as proper sisters and brothers. It is slowly sinking in that i am now 'forgotten' but its not just me..his whole lifestyle has changed, he doesnt really own anything but a share of a property out there, which his own siblings wont let him live in or look after because hes so unreliable so hes having to spend quite a lot for accommodation and drinks arent cheap, although it seems hes not doing much else....I just wonder if this is common amongs alcoholics, he has truly cast off everything he purported to care about, even if he didnt love me anymore, and im sure it was really because i was a constant threat to his drinking, we battled for years over it, useless on my part, but i didnt know what I do now then, so took the wrong actions. He was also constantly leaving me, then i would beg him to come back and i would be told I had to change my behaviour. This time having given uo AA cos he didnt need it, the decline was much faster, his personality changed, he became rude to a lot of people when he drank and so dissatisfied with everyone and lost interest in most things, going to bed early and not communicating unless he was out when he seemed as happy as a larry...but he seems so happy now with the decision hes made and I dont think he even ever thinks about me or the life we shared, constantly together for 7 years. Does anyone have any idea if this is part of the pattern, what it means, where he is at, anything to make me feel able to handle this awful void in my life....Our life together had so much potential and when he didnt drink it was wonderful and we were happy together...what happens...????
It is the most selfish and painful disease to those that love alcoholics/addicts. He is doing what they do best when their disease is in charge &/or they're giving in to it. He's escaping from reality in lala land. They can't communicate b/c they are constantly escaping themselves emotionally. They are terrific actors too, like u sd in public. My exAH was "perfect" in public, ugh. Master Manipulators that soul suck the life out of others & themselves.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I did the same thing...holding on against hope and going thru the withdrawals of not having her right where I wanted or needed her. My alcoholic was my addiction as I came to understand I focused as much on her as a researcher does using a mircoscope. I had to come to understand and learn how to let her go and turn my focus and energies back on to my life and happiness. It is difficult and some times feels impossible to break the hold on what I am powerless over. Admitting that I was powerless was inching myself to the line of detachment. When I got enough practice under my belt she was out there and I was whole and in recovery. Free of fear and rage and loneliness. I craved her as much as a heroin addict craved the needle. This is a reason why it is a disease and we need help to recover from it.
Over time I've come to see the relationship I had with the ex A differently. There were many many signs from day one he was an addict. There were also a lot of signs that he was moody, tempermental and wanted to have all the control. Granted no one could anticipate he would go off the deep end but he certainly didn't describe his last relationship (the one prior to me ) with any sense of insight, good judgement or any empathy.
The issue for me is no longer why did he, its why didn't I?
