The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I could not get EXABF and the entire situation out of my head, and wondering how things go to the point they are with two people who love one another so much. In the beginning I was self confident, secure, independant and exABF was attracted to all of those qualities in me. Then after we broke up (he broke up) I changed into this needy, insecure, little girl who lacked confidence and self respect. I HAD to have him back and in my life NO MATTER WHAT in order to be happy and me again (or so I thought). He has said a lot of the right things (I care more for you that I ever have anyone in my life) Yet he says that has nothing to do with it (some distorted thoughts there I think) but in looking back at his actions since our original split he has not shown me one time anything positive. For the life of me I couldn't understand knowing how I once was, why I was behaving like a little girl and chasing him, then it hit me.....I've been chasing my pride, and self respect that I handed over to him wrapped in a bow, chasing everything, all the good things of myself that I gave to him, wanting them back. When we fall in love with someone, we fall in love I think because that person has so many good qualities in them and we think them to be this amazingly good and wonderful person, then when we break up we think "if that person as good as they are can't love me I must not be worthy of love". We loose our self respect thinking that if only they'd love me again like they did before I'd be happy and fine and me again, but it's not that easy. When you meet someone who KNOWS where your heart is and dangles carrots and hopes for a future in front of you on a regular basis, you unwittingly become a key player in that persons continued desire for control-the same control you handed them over and over and over again every time you emailed, called or expressed your undying love and desire to work things out. It boils down to me allowing the EXABF to say when, where, and why or why not we'll get back together. I handed him every SINGLE ounce of cpntrol and received nothing in return but words. I can't believe it took me sooo long to actually see what I was doing here......What a looser I have been! The sad part is now that I realized this with certainty I feel lower and more depressed than I have since all of this began. I didn't even go to my meeting last night and am really not certain if I will return at all, because I just kept thinking I hate the thoughts that I let him do this to me, I hate the thoughts that I let him send me to AlAnon, and I hate the thoughts that I let him make me a crazy woman and I hate the thought of sitting in a meeting hearing about alcoholics and I don't even want to THINK about EXABF right now, let alone sit in a meeting that he drove me to. I truly feel like I lost all of my self respect, pride and independance, things I prided myself for having in the past, to this man....this alcoholic and right now I have never felt lower or more alone.... Thanks for listening shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
(((shellyj123))) You're not a loser. Everyone has done it, and imo what makes addicts and alcoholics so convincing with their carrots is that they believe it when they say it. They even mean it when they say it. But then somehow we keep expecting them to carry through and they just can't. Unable. (Or, even worse, are able to one time out of a hundred, just to give us hope- argh!!!)
If they were COMPLETE jerks, we wouldn't be chasing them! There's always someon in there that we love deeply deeply.
I posted this before because it meant so much to me, but an old timer in one of my meetings shared that one of the main things that she loved about Al-anon is that once she learned detachment she was able to love the addicts in her life, whereas before she'd have been driven to hate them (and herself for loving them). With Al-anon she was able to love them AND fight for having the happiest, most fulfilling life for herself possible, which sometimes meant keeping those people out of her life for a while or for long term.
I don't know if that made sense but it was so nice to hear for me.
Shelly, I am going to offer you some ESH. Take what you like and leave the rest. When I have felt like you are feeling as I read in your post, 9 times out of 10 I am sitting on the "pity pot" as we affectionately call it in al-anon. I am not belittling your pain or your difficulty. Please know that what I am saying is strictly from my own experience.
Here is what the pity pot is like for me: Poor me I am worthless (a loser) Everyone hates me I hate myself I am super messed up at the core (shame) All the nasty stuff the A says about me is true The A left me because I am worthless The world is out to get me Everything sucks Poor me I blame x y & z What if's If only's I am sure that others here could add to the list...
Eventually we all need to sit in this place and get a little stuck and moan and groan and whine some. Its OK to do this briefly, but then its time to get up and get on with life and our program.
In a day or two, you will snap out of it and get your head screwed back on.
Another way to put it: stinking thinking. Just spout off everything you can think of that sucks in your life instead of your blessings. Watch yourself plummet as you add to the list. Its like the opposite of experiencing gratitude/creating a gratitude list. A gratitude list will lift you. Stinking thinking will drop you down. The levers are at OUR control and we do have a choice of which ones we are going push.
These are OUR CHOICES. Which program are you going to chose? Its up to you, my friend. Hugs, J.
Shelly, your post was an eye opener for me today. I think you so very honestly put into words the dance with addicts/alcoholics. I too was once a self confident, independant and secure woman. After months with my alcoholic i became needy, lost and insecure. Hunny, you are not alone, i think alot of us alanon people can relate to giving away our power....I am starting to gain mine back, and am on the road leading up not down. It is difficult to admit we allowed it to happen, but could be worse and we could keep allowing it. Keep your head up, i think when we learn how we got here, then it is a good sign that we are ready for change
YEA!!!!! We are growing up :)
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Abandonment issues are tremendous for me. If I get triggered I can way way off course. I'm in therapy it helps tremendously to talk about this with someone I trust.
Hi Shelly, I have been where you are - feeling like I lost all my self-respect, my self-worth, independence, and confidence because of the A in my life. I did learn something after some time in Al Anon though. Your quote:
"I hate the thoughts that I let him do this to me, I hate the thoughts that I let him send me to AlAnon, and I hate the thoughts that I let him make me a crazy woman"
By saying this, you are giving him too much power. He, or any other person for that matter, can not "make you do" anything. YOU choose to do these things - and I know it's hard to look at it that way, but did he drag you by your hair to Al-Anon? Did he bang you in the head saying "Go crazy?" Most likely not, because you chose these actions yourself, whether it was out of an irrational feeling, desperation, fear, anger, whatever it may be. One thing Al-Anon teaches us is that we have choices. And when we really start to realize that, it feels amazingly freeing. Right now, I myself am struggling with my AH who has relapsed, and I am feeling at a loss of ideas what to do. But I know only I can make a decision on this - not him, not my friends, not my family or any other of my peers in Al Anon. Sometimes it's tough to give yourself so much responsibility (quite scary sometimes!) but it's the only way we can begin to gain back that confidence and self-respect that we so long for after living with insanity. I wish you the best of luck, give it time and keep coming back to us in Al-Anon - it really works if you give it a shot, but it has to be when you feel ready for it!!
Shelly, you might feel like you lost all of those things, but you didn't!!! You just lost sight of them for a while. They are all still there because you were able to recognize that you were missing them. Kudos to you for taking a step back and recognizing that : A) you miss those characteristics and B)you want them back!
Our A's certainly drive us to go to Alanon. But once there, we stay because we help ourselves. I like the analogy INHISARMS gave...its a dance between us and our A's. We get caught up as the dance gets faster and wilder. We think that to end the dance we have to get them to stop dancing. Nooo sirree. We can stop and walk off the dance floor. Let them dance alone if they want! Sure we realize we are hot and sweaty and tired and thristy and our clothes are all messed up. We think how silly we must have looked. But ya know what? We stopped dancing, our Alanon friends help us wipe of the sweat, get a drink of water, straighten our clothes and rest our feet.
Keep coming back it works if you work it-AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!
