The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been with al-anon for six months now and split from my AB (in recovery) four months ago.
I have posted on here on this same issue before I have when in relationship and breaking away. Sometime it feels that am the only person that find this so difficult to detach from. We had continued to be friends ad mutually split up tho it more being due to my AB being 2 years into recovery(4th step) which he said was proving too much for him to deal with emotionally. To add I was finding it difficult to and am not strong enough break ties in these situation as yet.
Now am finding I take part in this same dance with him. we have split twice for the same reason and each time the AB being the ultimate decider slowly makes his way back in communication subtly. We met each other on a forum which seems to be where we always seems to come back to contact with me as we cut phone calls and email. It's a definitely a two way thing here I see that and as we continue to dance along it will never put an end to the hurting.
To give a wee bit info here on the ending as of late was a text telling me he was removing himself from the situation and the friendship was over. I pushed for a solution and was told to f off. Too cut the story short av now emailed him on my funnies bulk email send as I guess, I was thinking of how hes doing due to reading chat with other forum members on him being a bit anxious with all the changes going on as hes just moved out of supported accommodation is waiting to hear on a few jobs hes up for. As I read that last paragraph back I do see am struggling to let go yet AGAIN problem is we were very good friends supporting each other through the rocky bit of recovery. Our positivity bounced off each other maybe that wasn't a good thing. One thing I am confident in saying is that I know I would not want to enter in a relationship with my ex AB it's the friendship I miss.
So where am at to today is am still confused and emotionally tired and on a positive note this is not the only thing taking up my energy. I have decided finally that I will uproot from my home town in Glasgow to Edinburgh to start a fresh which has been throwing some doubt at me and I guess this part really should be at the start of my post as it's about ME and what I want. It's a decision av let lie for a few months now decided after visiting a few weeks ago and finding my higher power as I faced the castle under my tree of hope I knew right away. An amazing spiritual experience and thanks to al-anon for that.
I will let the email that my ex AB posted in reply to my funny jokes asking me how I am and how he didn't realise I he was still on my contact list lie until I feel in a better place to reply or not and keep it simple.
Thank you for letting me share I had a wee chat about this with a few members today also 1 to 1 at a meeting also and this has gave me an added piece of strength
__________________
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
Great post and thought provoking. I learned that there are many different ways to detatch and the best way for me was to choose the consequence of how I wanted the relationship to be first and then work the detatchment. Detatchment is not total abandonment, doing a fine geographical, or practiced disinterest. It can include one or all of those things and has at times for me in the past.
Detachment for me now is more the practice of focus and degree of focus I apply to the life around me and how I participate in it. I can look back at some of my schooling events and remember my teachers saying..."Pay attention" and I want to laugh at the thought of replying back then..."But I'm detaching!!" The result of that might have been reattachment to the end of a yard stick or flying Biology book.
In al anon we generally don't do any drastic changes for a while. The reason is that our lives are chaotic enough as it is. I know full well it might be difficult for you to be around the ex and where you live may have a lot of memories. The program gudielines are there for a reason. They are great great suggestons.
I went back and forth with the ex A I was with for a long long time. I am still angry at the way he behaved. I am also apalled at the way I behaved. Now I have no contract with him.
Please give the program a chance to tkae shape in your life.
Great post and thought provoking. I learned that there are many different ways to detatch and the best way for me was to choose the consequence of how I wanted the relationship to be first and then work the detatchment. Detatchment is not total abandonment, doing a fine geographical, or practiced disinterest. It can include one or all of those things and has at times for me in the past.
Detachment for me now is more the practice of focus and degree of focus I apply to the life around me and how I participate in it. I can look back at some of my schooling events and remember my teachers saying..."Pay attention" and I want to laugh at the thought of replying back then..."But I'm detaching!!" The result of that might have been reattachment to the end of a yard stick or flying Biology book.
Design it as you need it. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you Jerry.
I had a wee look at your post and thought about how I wanted the friendship to be. I kept it simple keeping my distance and not reply to the email I started contact from as my higher power was telling me am not in a healthy place through starting contact again.
I will let things be as now I have received an email asking me to delete his name from my contacts for the best which I did fear would be the outcome. I knew deep down that was the best solution and replied apologising for any upset caused simply letting go with love and best wishes.
I do feel upset and it will pass as it always does.
I like the way you put the thought across on not completely detatching and that's where daily prayers some into play.
__________________
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
In al anon we generally don't do any drastic changes for a while. The reason is that our lives are chaotic enough as it is. I know full well it might be difficult for you to be around the ex and where you live may have a lot of memories. The program gudielines are there for a reason. They are great great suggestons.
I went back and forth with the ex A I was with for a long long time. I am still angry at the way he behaved. I am also apalled at the way I behaved. Now I have no contract with him.
Please give the program a chance to tkae shape in your life.
Maresie.
Hi Maresie
Thanks for your reply. I have been thinking about moving away for two years and for the moment am definitely gonna go for the move it won't be for another year and a half. I didn't live with my ex in my home town he lives in another city. I did live here with my longterm alcoholic partner for 10 years who I split up with over two years ago. I feel it's time to move on to a better life all round for my daughter and me as there is more opportunity for us there. It's truelly what I want and my higher power gives me the yes nod every time am there.
I'm also not keen on my behaviour in this relationship as the merry dance formed again and now am told to back off which I have done. The more I push the more I hurt myself.
No contact and time is the only true healer for me.
__________________
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
