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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I wanted to address something that has truly bothered me for quite sometime and the stronger I get in maintaing my boundaries, clarifying my needs and pursuing a life for myself that is successful and peaceful all at the same time the more difficult this matter seems to get.
I keep hearing over and over again how it will be my parents 50th wedding anniversary this coming May. However, my parents have been married and divorced twice to eachother since before I was born and I am now 36 years old. I have 1 older sister and 3 olders brothers and am the baby of the family. Been in and out of abusive situations throughout most of my life until the realization came in the last one with an alcoholic of the true extent of the issues inside of me that needed to be discovered to find peace in myself finally. The discovery of why I choose these relationships is life-changing and as the Pastor of my church explained it, "The Truth Shall Set You Free". Very true, as until I knew what the underlying issues were inside of me throughout my entire life, nothing could be dealt with-- the pain, the anger, the lonliness, the fear of being alone.... all of these things I had been taught by the influences around me as a child of many forms of abuse.
The issue I want to address is a VERY critical one I feel that keeps everyone in their situations and at this point in my life is extremely frustrating. Rather than explain the details of what emotions I am experiencing I am going to give an synopsis of a situation, followed by a question because I am sooooo tired of this issue.
As I explained about my parents, who are very abusive to eachother, mentally and emotionally-- in their younger days, physically. The I hate you/love you syndrome. Which is also typical of an alcoholic relationship so that is why I am posting this here. Anyway, my mom keeps talking about how they will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary soon. I also hear this from so many people-- how they have been together so long and don't want to throw those years away and what I am wondering is this.... When there is a continual struggle going on in a relationship which one partner doesn't respect, honor, love or care for their partner equally and having taught their children by influence to grow up to do that same, how can a couple actually look at their years together as something that was beneficial and worth celebrating? What is it they are celebrating-- that they've managed to continue to show their children that it is ABSOLUTELY acceptable to be in a relationship that is unhealthy, dysfunctional and abusive? It saddens me that couples can glorify a relationship that sets terrible examples for their children because neither is strong enough to get out on their own.
Speaking as an adult child of parents who are still together in the same ole' manner they were when I was a child, I can say that seeing that my parents did not take any steps to separate from eachother so that each of them could be healthy for theirselves independently, form their own identities and relationships with God... pursuing their dreams, not dependent on eachother keeps me ALWAYS in that realm of abuse and struggling to break free from a way of life that continues to live on that is not healthy. I wish my parents would have broke up years ago while I was a child and if not then, then NOW, because ultimately as long as our parents or us as parents set examples to our children that the behavior of our significant other, whether an alcholic or not we will continue to promote and encourage our children to live that same life and continue the cycle.
I am having a VERY difficult time accepting this anniversary celebration my mom talks about BECAUSE to me it is a celebration of two people who were too weak to work on their own individual problems, continuing to blame eachother because they were also too weak to walk away from eachother.
I see the affects it had on me most of my life and see how it trickles down to my children to see the cycle continue and it disgusts me.
I believe that is why we have so many unhealthy relationships because essentially when we marry, we are told it is For Better Or Worse-- BUT, who ultimately says it is For Better Or Worse, where did those vows come from? God. Scripture also indicates that we are to be equally yoked, which means we are to be with a person who lifts us up and in a relationship that strengthens what God wants for our life-- primarily a life filled with peace, joy and compassion. So, having compared these two requirements of marriage, why is it we choose to put so much power into the For Better For Worse than we do in what God says in being equally yoked and a husband should treat his wife as Christ treats the church?
Marriage is a union between man and woman with God in the center---- THAT'S IT. So when abuse is involved, where is God? When he said, she said, or he did this or she did this is involved, where is God? Even more importantly, how can a couple like my parents give glory to their relationship that has only taught their children that it is okay to treat people like crap? I would have had MUCH more respect and could smile without a broken heart to have seen my parents acknowledge their issues and not try to act as if JUST because they have been in this relationship for so long, the abusive issues go away. NOT!! If anything, it carries it on longer and rolls down generations to continue the cycle to their children, grandchildren and whoever else it may influence during their lifetime.
I have made mistakes and can have complete peace knowing that it is with those mistakes that I turn away and go in healthier directions in an attempt to show my children that we can ALWAYS turn from our mistakes and start a new life for ourselves. My children also know that they are to NEVER idolize me and that if they ever have a problem with something I've done that they should express it-- just because I am their mother doesn't mean they have to accept my behavior and if it ever meant they needed to walk away from me to be healthy for themselves, then that is what they should do. All this idolization of family and importance put into our families, who influenced us negatively is ashame.
After all, would we allow a stranger on drugs and alcohol into our home? Would we welcome a burglar into our home or a theif or a liar? Absolutely NOT, so why then would we accept all these behaviors from a family member or spouse, child... anyone? For fear of being alone? I do believe that is what it is all about. Having stepped back from my family and now making a conscious decision to lead my life in a whole direction away from my family if necessary so that I can be healthy and continue my success, I can now see that is what primarily held me where I was in limbo, going no where with my life and also resorting back to learned behaviors or patterns that kept hold of me. Why, because of guilt trips given by family or the only people we feel that we have in this world close to us. Nonsense!! All deception by Satan to halt our growth as an individual, gaining more wisdom and understanding of Gods word and plan for our lives. One of the BEST ways he can get to us is where the most heartache would come--- walking away from ones we love.
It's one thing I've learned is that I will NEVER be alone and NO heartache is too large for God to handle, as God is with me ALWAYS... having that realization also has opened my eyes to the true life God wants me to have-- I soon may not have my BLOOD family and miss my ex a terribly, BUT, I meet people everyday at my job, at a grocery store, at a Starbucks coffee, or at the gym who have given me so much more insight in healthy relationships just with how they respect and care for me in a short time we meet. THAT is who God wants in my life.
One thing for certain is each day I wake up I ask myself what is it I NEED to do in my life to set an example for my children or others in abusive, unhealthy relationships before going about my day. If what I do with myself will not influence another individual positively, then I KNOW the choice I have made is wrong. Not saying that the reason for my actions is to influence another person, but rather this is a way to keep me in check of doing what is right and ethical in this world.
I once read a sign on a church that asked, Do you do what is right, even when you know that nobody is looking?
Dear sanddie - I can see how you would feel that any celebration of your parents' marriage would be hollow, given the history there. I hope you will be able to find some forgiveness towards them, though. I'd be willing to bet five bucks that they were only passing on what they had learned, through painful childhoods of their own. You can be happy and proud that you are finally starting to break that cycle for your own children, and for yourself. I don't know if you will be able to bring yourself to attend any celebrations, but if you do, know that your own serenity can show those around you that there is another way, that abuse and unhappiness do not have to continue, that we do have choices.
Ahh, thanks for responding. I absolutely do forgive them, as this is not about forgiveness of my parents because I forgave them a long time ago. Matter of fact, I'm one of their only children that still would do anything for them. I have my moments and get frustrated with them and need to walk away--- I've learned to set my boundaries REAL well. I understand that they are older now and to make life changes would be critical for them, as this is all they've known now. I guess I was just questioning this aspect as a society as a whole and why we continue to tolerate it at younger ages when we do have a chance to influence our children to choose better lives for themselves.
This is something that I often think about. One thing for me is that with alanon and the tools that I now have and can share with my kids can be bennificial and help them too. Well I hope so!!!
I grew up in a simmilar situation and now look at my parents and think my dad who is an a and see how much love he has and how much has changed. It is amazing, to see. I too used to be so angry with my parents for getting back together but have gotten over that. I am greatful that I have had the chance to see my dad as a very loving kind man and not just the Monster he was. I am also greatful that my children have only seen the nice man the wonderful grandfather. I am very greatful!!!
I do agree that growing up in that situation did affect me as a child and as an adult and it is my responsibility to educate my children in what is acceptable and what is not.
Sanddie, I read your post twice. In my own family we cousins now kid about our growing up as "dueling dysfunctions". While my own parents have a good marriage it was the only one amongy Dads siblings. My Aunt was an alcoholic and divorced, my Uncle is a dry drunk only because of a heart problem, but he was actively drinking for many years and is divorced. My Grandfather was an alcoholic until he found AA and remained sober for 30 years.
Growing up, we looked at the chaos as the norm, and it was just accepted. My cousin is a rocovering alcoholic, I am married to an alcoholic, my other cousin is a recovered drug user, and one commited suicide. My Sister is in a very loving and stable marriage and does not and never has drank.
We all speak often of recovery and how it was growing up. Not to excuse them, but times where different, and AA was young. My Grandmother hadled my Grandfathers drinking, with a frying pan over his head. Something not acceptable today. As my Dad put it, he didn't know who was more abusive, but it was probably her, but she was doing the best she could with the tools she had, and what society accepted at the time. In spite of it my Grandfather did find recovery, and had this gloriouse retirement planned for them, which he had saved every penny for.
Sadly Grammy got sick and passed away before it could happen, and the guilt put my Grandfather in the grave a few years later. I remember asking my Dad why he didn't cry when Pop died, not one tear, it scared me. He told me because he was where he wanted to be. That his Father had given up when his Mom died and had spent his remaining years looking to join her. He said he lost them both on the same day and cried for them both. Hopefully they found the promised happiness with God.
Love and Marriage and family are funny things. We cannot account for who we love or who those before us did, or why. Sure there are trickles down to al of us, but it becomes part of who and what we are, good or bad. But we can't judge, we can't decide that someone would have been better off if they had split or never married, because we are not them.
This life is far from perfect, but it is ours and we take whatever milestones we can get, for whatever reason.
Try not to judge your parents, okay things might have trickeled down, but you can break the cycle and it is all part of who you are and will be. You don't have to accept the Anniversary and it might be hollow to you, but it is a part of their marriage, good or bad and a part of your past.
When we see a young couple who we believe are not right for each other getting married, we might beleve that marriage is doomed, but we can still wish them well. Who knows, we are not fortune tellers, down the road, they might surprise us at their 50th.
Thanks for your insight everyone and Jeannie.... your statement about below is a wonderful reminder to me of God working in ALL of our lives, through good and bad. :) You wrote:
"Love and Marriage and family are funny things. We cannot account for who we love or who those before us did, or why. Sure there are trickles down to al of us, but it becomes part of who and what we are, good or bad. But we can't judge, we can't decide that someone would have been better off if they had split or never married, because we are not them.
This life is far from perfect, but it is ours and we take whatever milestones we can get, for whatever reason."
As much as God is a part of my heart, I lose sight at times of His forgiveness of EVERYONE and we are to forgive, as He forgives us. Which has me reflect on all we really need to know deep in our hearts and that is Our Father, Who Art In Heaven, Hallowed Be Thy name, Thy Kingdom Come, THY WILL BE DONE, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us our daily bread and forgive us or our trespasses, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For THINE is the Kingdom and the Glory and the Power Forever, Amen.
