The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I'm new here and not quite sure if I am posting this correctly. My name is Bernice and I have been married for nine years. My husband has been sober six months. We have been seperated for a few years. I take care of me and my children well. I attend codependancy meetings. I fell out of love with him years ago but felt I needed to give it another shot. He wants me back and I don't have any feelings. Anyone been in this situation? I am a Christian so divorce isn't something I take lightly and would only do it if he drank again. He has several bouts of sobriety. He is working the program, has a sponsor and almost died. As with any addict you can't say if it's the time he's going to stay sober so I have no stock in his sobriety. I need tips on how to forgive and try again. I'm finding it very difficult to like him as a friend. He is not the man I married. It feels like another child to take care of if you ask me. Has anyone gone through counseling together? Should I wait a year to make a move? I'm going to start al-anon soon. It's difficult for me to go to meetings because I'm the only one with the car and he goes to his meetings and I watch the children. We do not have a sitter. Sorry for the long book. I look forward in getting to know each of you. Lots of love and hope to all of you struggling with this disease in any way.
There is no right or wrong in here... We are all here to help one another recover from our addicts...I know I am... My Afather just past from the disease this past Thanksgiving, and i have siblings that are A's and I myself have struggled with teh disease as well...So it has been around me all my life...
I personally didn't find al-anon until AFTER I lost my Afather... But this has been an awesome place to grow and learn more about the disease, and it truly has been a blessing to have...
Getting to F2F (face 2 face)meetings will be a blessing to you as well.. If you check around your neighborhood, or local area, you may find a differant night for al-anon, so that you to can get what you need to heal yourself..
I have not been were you are when it comes to an AHusband, but I know what you mean about "growing out of love" with them... And once a 'trust' is broken it is really hard to get that back... Alot a people here have told me to Give myself "6 Months" after joining al-anon, before you make Any Big Changes in your life...That way you have time to work the program and get a better grib on who and what YOU want out of life... The choices are ALL yours to make, but since you found us all here, You are taking the Steps you need to become the person you deserve to be...
Good luck to you and your journey, and I hope that you keep coming back, and keep posting... For we are always happy to hear how some is doing weather it be a good day or a bad one... We all learn from experiences, even if they are not ours...
You have already showed great Strength, so keep up the great work... And only Take it... One Day At A Time... It works if you work it :)
I simply did not want to go back to face to face meetings, when I came back to al-anon my second time -- after a very long hiatus. This site has online mtgs that you could attend & it gives you a taste of what the face to face ones are like. It isn't a substitute for f2f but it is a decent facsimile.
the hours are:
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
I know that when I was going to al-anon mtgs... a lot of them hold al-anon & AA simultaneously, some allow small kids, sometimes people offer to give rides to other members. Just give a call & check it out. You might find a convenient meeting that won't interfere with your AH's mtg schedule.
This program has helped us all change our lives. I can say for me, it gave me my life back -- a life that was so caught up in everyone else's -- the lights were on but I sure wasn't home. Today I love myself & live better & better. I have hope today & coming from a girl that was suicidal in the past, it is nothing short of a miracle.
Al-anon will tell you to take your time in making life altering decisions. Take some time to focus on yourself, there is no rush in recovery. Take care of YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I relate to your post some. My alcoholic was my wife and the desease has no prejudices It sweeps everyone connected to it into the trash. I've been around for a while and in early days the suggestion was to not make life altering decisions for at least 2 years of steady program. I took three. I was born and raised under the influence so three years wasn't much to over come thoughts, feelings and behaviors I had practiced for 37 years. On learning forgiveness eventurally you will arrive at what you decide to do. I am glad I was here around many recovering others and was able to hear their ESH. From that after taking what I liked and leaving the rest I arrived at forgiving my alcoholic wife just like my HP forgave me. I forgave and arrived at a new definition and practice of love. No I didn't find any reason to remain married to her and amazingly that was because I had married her for the wrong reasons in the first place...to change her, teach her how either not to use and drink or how to modify it. That was of course like trying to pour a cupful of water into a thimble. It was a very bad decision on my part and I didn't love her when I started that journey. I learned to love her after leaving. When I finally left the area we both lived in to come back home I had a chance meeting with her and her daughter. We were in love and had no reason to be a couple. It was weird to everyone else but us. She was in recovery at that time and so was I. I believe that for the 4 years I spent trying to fix her I actually interfered between her and her HP. I did a very gooood job of screwing up the works. Today I still love her, don't long for the past and am glad she found the recovery she did. I hope that she still enjoys sobriety.
Keep coming back here and follow up on the suggestion on face to face meetings. You won't be able to live his program...only your own.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 02:48:40 PM
I really understand where you are coming from. I had filed for divorce and was well on my way to making it on my own. It seemed like every where I turned I was hearing the message...GOD loves the SINNER and not the SIN. He doesn't give up on the sinner. Why should we give up on the sinner and on and on and on. It was just everywhere. Needless to say, I started feeling like I had given up on my husband. Although I truely loved him and missed him, and was feeling like I was going to be okay without him, I just didn't think that GOD wanted me to end my marriage. So I came back to my marriage. And I regretted it 2 months after when we ended up fighting in our dining room and breaking everything that we could get our hands on. That was 2 years ago. I dealt with it. I just didn't have it in me to leave again. Then somewhere along the way, I read in the bible that if one in the marriage is not living for god, then the other doesn't have to stay in the marriage. WELL, that was my answer, my husband was not living for god by doing all the things he was doing so i didn't have to feel spiritually bound to this marriage anymore. I was going to move out. Then I found alanon in July of 08. Things have been better for me. And my husband too, he is actively working the program and sober now for about 7 days. Do I love him? YES. Am I glad i came back? I DUNNO. If I knew then what I know now, would I have came back? NO. Was I happy without him? YES. Am I happy with him? SOMETIMES. But today, it is a good day.
My AH and I separated in December after 10 years of marriage. I recently went back and read all of the topics I have started on this website since I started coming here in 2006. They were like a broken record of indecision. Do I leave or do I stay? I realized that I was sacrificing myself for someone who was incapable or willing to do the same for me. I also lost faith and hope in his long term sobriety. I am unwilling to risk another relapse.
What changed for me? Why was I finally ready in December instead of in 2006? I don't know other than I gave it the time necessary to truly know in my heart what was best for me and him. I have no regrets. It happened when the time was right. Have patience and the answer will come.
I'm looking for a place for my children and I which doesn't include him. I'm not sure how it will pan out. Thank you all for posting. Much to think about.
