The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got a rather strong lecture from my sponsor about how I needed to share in meetings more. I will talk more about it with her, but I am curious to know what other people think about it.
For myself, I find ESH too high of a bar. I don't usually have strength or hope to share. My shares are pretty much confusion and frustration with how things are going, full stop.
I resent people congratulating me on my "growth." It seems impertinent and judgemental. (It happens after every share.)
I resent people congratulating me on getting my qualifier out of my life. Three months later, I still grieve his loss daily. I'm supposed to celebrate abandoning someone who's sick and miserable in order to save myself? I can't do it.
When I hear member after member say "Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm a grateful member of Al-anon!" I feel like I'm in a weird cult, whose Kool-Aid I somehow missed out on. I'm not against the Kool-Aid. I just never got my Dixie Cup for whatever reason.
Is this stuff even appropriate to share? I don't want to spit in the punchbowl, when everyone else is getting such good out of it.
Another component: My home meetings are full of amazing old timers who have useful things to share. While I was travelling the meeting I attended had no amazing old timers and I did end up sharing a lot more Strength and Hope in that meeting. Unfortunately, it was all stuff I'd heard in my home meetings, and nothing original. When I'm home I'm disinclined to teach my teachers.
We are all equals in Al-Anon. We all learn from each other. Sometimes, I have been touched the most by something shared by a newbie. I was taught that my reluctance to share might keep someone in the meeting from hearing something that they needed to hear..so that, in a way, it was selfish of me NOT to share.
Sharing was also very important for me, especially in the beginning, to help me get over that compulsion to be perfect--a compulsion that I have always had but that was magnified by my time with my AH.
It also helped me tear down those barriers of protection that I had built with the A. You know--don't let folks get to close, I can't join in because I don't ever know what the A is going to do or react.... By sharing, I became a "part of" the group and not an outsider.
When I first came to Al-Anon, the "a grateful member of Al-Anon" bugged me too. But, as I have worked the Program and experienced my own recovery, I was struck by how grateful I am to this Program and I think I understand now, where they are coming from. I am grateful to Al-Anon because it has enabled me to address issues in myself that pre-date the A and that will be there regardless of whether I am with him or not. As a result, I am now dealing with things that I never would have if I hadn't come into the Rooms. That is why I was also finally able to say that I am grateful to the A if, for no other reason that because of him, I got here.
Hang in there. Looking back, I realize that when I first came to Al-Anon, I was RAW--in every way. I personalized everything. I got defensive at the drop of a hat. I saw the differences and not the similarities. Give it some time. Don't leave before the miracle happens.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
So is it too obnoxious to share that I'm NOT particularly grateful? I feel like I'm raining on a lot of parades when I share, and I really really hate adding negativity to any situation- there's enough in the world already.
Also, I've been going to 3+ meetings a week for more than a year. I don't feel like a newbie any more, but I still hate the sameness of the gratitude shares.
-- Edited by gngcrzy on Wednesday 1st of April 2009 01:35:07 PM
As I read your post, I laughed so hard. Honey, you're exactly like me. Your sponsor wants you to share because it's important for us "veterans" to stay green and keep a new perspective in life. Too often we "old timers" become complacent because we "know" everything. So to hear from someone who's living it all for the first time reminds us why we keep coming back, why we keep working our program, and why we're here. To boot, when someone shares, they open up and make themselves vulnerable, ending the isolation and the idea that their problems are unique or one of a kind. So it's a two way benefit. I, too, felt incredibly ungreatful for al anon. Honey, it took me YEARS to get greatful for al anon. When people say they're greatful, they're greatful (or at least I am) that I can deal with situations in a healthy, mature manner. The models I had growing up drank, did drugs, got into physical confrontations, and caused horrible shame and guilt throughout the family. Just because someone says they're a greatful al anon doesn't mean you have to be. Ideally, someday you will, and you're on the right track: you have a sponsor who's working the steps with you and using the literature. Right there's a message to carry: that when you use the tools, you gain growth. I,too, also felt like I was raining on people's parades when I would share at meetings about how I was really feeling. How I had gotten a phone call from my drunk father. How my codependent mother was lashing out at me for not enabling my father. How I felt stuck in the middle of a tornado that was unending and sucking my soul dry. Every time, EVERY TIME, no fail, no joke, I was recieved with people who would reassure me that they had been there too. They would tell me how they had had those days, and by gummy, they had passed. They also would always thank me for taking the courage to share, even if the tears fell down my face and my body shook the whole time. It meant so much to them that I was trusting my deepest self to them. It still does--whenever I'm vulnerable at a meeting, people are like "I appreciate so much what you said. Thank you so much." Lastly, about the growth: we can't see or feel the growth till much much later. Use the complements to motivate yourself to be a better person. It's okay you're greaving your qualifier; I'd be concerned if you said "whatever. It's over. I'm fine." Fine is an acronym for many things, but suffice it to say, it's a lie. Let these old timers reassure you and guide you. Go with them to lunch or a movie. Do somethign with them to "be human." And, above all, keep coming back.
For me, I never really started getting any recovery or making sense of my emotional issues until I opened my mouth & got into it. Listening to other's share is great but ur only getting a little out of the meetings by not really sharing. We aren't there to make friends, impress people or be liked - we're there to grow & learn. Feel, deal, heal.
If it makes u angry & resentful of people congradulating ur growth or having to choose yourself over ur A, get it out. Those are your true feelings.
Everytime I share, I feel well first, a little nervous or excited but afterwards I feel lighter for getting things out. Also, I open up & blurt something that I might not have even thought previously.
The chat room has mtgs twice a day, maybe you would feel more comfortable (& more anonymous) sharing online. I know it helped me.
Feeling like I didnt get tthe kool aid, resenting happy people there, resenting having to be there ~ well, let's just say those are very normal feelings that I would think a lot of others could relate to.
Remember al-anon is for you, you are there for YOU. Nuts to how ppl will react or take u after - that is not ur job or business - but YOU are.
Here are the online mtg times just in case:
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
In my opinion, there are NO honest shares that are inappropriate to share.... As long as you are sharing about you, and how you are feeling/doing, then it is all good for you.....
I also think - good for your sponsor, in challenging you to share more..... it really IS about us growing in our recovery, and we don't/can't do that by sitting quietly and never opening up.... That is my one reservation over boards like ours - it's wonderful in it's own right, but it is a supplement and only a supplement, to F2F meetings.....
I also agree with you about being congratulated on things sometimes - I take it better if it is given from the heart, but I don't like the underlying "you're strong if you leave, weak if you stay" sentiments.....
I think..... you have every right to feel the way that you feel.....
Take care, and I hope you get up and share...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Crazy...The program is an honest program and we are directed by sponsors to participate in our own recovery. How the old timers do it is ESH and when I got over "feeling different" the program started to work for me also. Until I got over all the resistance I was always one foot into the meeting and one foot out the door. I left once and I couldn't believe how much worse my life could get until I did that. Certifiably crazy for me. The rooms are mostly filled with understanding and loving family members. Yes there are a few just like you at times who are feeling just like you and seeing things just like you...that is why they need to hear you tell them that they are not alone otherwise they hold it all inside and say things like this isn't working for me and I need to go back out. Not quite how I said it I think I was more rude and blamed the rooms of Al-Anon and AA for all of the universal problems and then didn't even say "bye". Left and got worse as promised. LOL You told us how it is with you...now practice it face to face with your home group. From the ODAAT, "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers."
Thanks for your trust. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I'm not worried about shocking anyone. I just don't feel like I have anything positive to add. I wish the welcome said "Share our experience, strength, OR hope". It'd be less intimidating.
Also, it's not that I feel my problems are unique- just the reverse. My problems are incredibly dull and not half as huge as anyone else's.
(Except maybe for the 3 separate people who are having trouble buying the "perfect" $500k house. From a standpoint of renting a room and being deep in debt, hearing about that particular trauma month after month is getting old, I must confess.)
-- Edited by gngcrzy on Wednesday 1st of April 2009 04:19:04 PM
The presence of old timers does not necessarily mean that the group is a healthy one. Does the group hold a regular group conscience/business meeting? Maybe it would be a good time for a group inventory...
We held one in my District and it was really a very positive experience. The WSO has a publication on how to hold inventory meetings if you are interested.
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
No- I have never heard of a regular group conscious meeting. It sounds rather dreadful but I'm glad to hear yours were positive. I don't think I'm up for suggesting it. I suggested changing the format slightly and I don't know that it's recouperated yet. There was anxious and unsettled clicking of knitting needles for weeks until it was resolved not to change anything, LOL. Hmm, maybe it IS a little old-timer top heavy. My other meeting is more mixed, smaller, and easier to speak at.
Hey! I had that share, that I wasn't grateful and couldn't really understand those who were, and ummmm, it was less than a year ago. I got the distinct impression that I wasn't the only one who had felt that way. I just celebrated two years in the program, and I can say that I am starting to at least understand how someone could feel grateful and hope it will be me someday. I call that progress and hope.
I also feel uncomfortable sharing, but force myself to do so every so often. More and more I hear how it is an important part of recovery. I can say that I have never hear a share and wished they hadn't .... oh, wait a minute, not true, once a guy shared about world peace and terror in other countries, but then it was discovered that he was in the wrong room....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You had nothing to share except what oldtimmers had passed on to you ???? thats alot I think , isn't that how we all learn ? everything i share in recovery was stolen from someone else before I started to use it , thats how this works . I think you do not give yourself enough credit , you listened obviously u learned and then u passed it on . keep it up None of us are stupid people but I just couldnt figure this out by myself , I too had to be taught , this is a simple program for complicated people Louise Continue to share whats in your heart and mind don't worry about what others may or may not need to hear - attitude of gratitude used to drive me nuts in the beginning too . but eventually voila !! I have it .
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 1st of April 2009 11:03:52 PM
For me, the experience of actually hearing my own voice saying how I was feeling was - and continues to be - incredibly powerful. I completely wasn't expecting it. I think it's a part of practicing being Honest. I don't think it's a downer at all when someone shares they're concerned and uncertain - I think it's a demonstration of honesty and courage.
