The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not been on here in a really long time. I initially became a member b/c my husband was abusing drugs and alcohol. It took some time but I was finally able to get a divorce from him. He got his life straightened out and now we are dating again. Not living together but dating.
My current situation involves my 15 yo teenage son. He is drinking, smoking pot and taking prescription drugs. He started causing trouble back in the 7th grade. He got into a lot of fights. He switched schools and I got him involved in martial arts. For 2 years, things went pretty smoothly. But then he started high school and was reunited with those kids from his old school and things started getting rocky again. They escalated last summer and now in his 2nd year of the 9th grade, he has been kicked out of school for the rest of the year. He has been busted with cigarettes, alcohol and shoplifting twice. Now he is under investigation for breaking and entering the neighbor's house w/some of his friends and stealing some things.
He goes to court tomorrow for the 2nd shoplifting charge and alcohol possession. I have been working w/the police for the last 7 months filing run away reports every time he doesn't come home at night. I have been working with the school and the resource officer there. I have tried taking him to substance abuse counseling w/the county. He showed up for 2 visits and has refused any more. I have called social services for help. I have called the probation officer for help. I am getting nothing.
So I am hoping for something good to come out of court tomorrow. I am hoping he will have to suffer some consequences, which will open his eyes up to the type of life he will be living if he continues down this life of destruction. I am hoping he will be court ordered into counseling and drug/alcohol screening.
All I know is last night, I slept in fear. I got into an altercation w/him at bedtime. He wanted his pocket knife back that I had taken from him years ago. I told him his dad had it and he called me a liar. That is a minor name compared to what I am normally called these days when he doesn't get his way. I layed in bed, my mind spinning about the pocket knife. I figured he might come into my room looking for it while I slept. I decided to get my daughter (6 yo) and put her in bed w/me and sleep w/my door locked.
I survived the night w/out any further incidences. However, he refused to leave this morning. I normally make him leave the house in the morning when I leave for work b/c I cannot trust him to stay home. He gets into my beer, he takes things from my house, he is destructive, he lets his friends come over, they eat all of my food. I just cannot leave him at home w/out having something negative happen.
Sorry this has been such a long post....just had a lot to say. Thanks for listening.
I understand too well what you are living right now, and with no help from all the resources you have turned to.
When my then 15 year old finally ran away, that is when Social Services stepped in and she was made a ward of the state. 4 months in maximum security lockdown facilities, and a year in a foster home specializing in high risk teens, combined with counseling and other resources opened her eyes up to the fact that home wasn't so bad after all.
I had to have a behavioral contract in place before she was released back to the home, but still under state supervision for a year. I took parenting classes geared towards teens, and visited her on a regular basis. Everything was documented.
It was hard, I cried many nights, but we both got through it and became better people.
I clearly remember when she turned herself in after having run away, and I sat sobbing in a chair. My sponsor told me now was the time to get into my program like my life depended on it because it surely did.
Thank God for the program because I needed it even more when she did come home, as we were both 'testing' the waters so to speak of. I had to learn to leave my hands out of her stuff, learn to stick to my boundaries and be consistent with the consequences.
Today that young lady is almost 21, still lives with me, and we have a good relationship. She has worked at least one job, if not two at a time ever since coming home, is paying for her second car, meets her insurance payments each month and all her other financial obligations.
I will be keeping you and your son in my prayers. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
yes, I know. You know I know. I'm more scared for her than of her though. I am working with an intensive in home counseling place right now called youth villages and this is the first time I really have any hope that things might get better and not worse. Here you can file a petition against them as an undisciplined minor and if that continues they will become wards of the state and go off to wilderness camp for a year. You and I both know it's so hard to be consistent and enforce consequences if you are at work all day and they're just roaming around. I think the fact that he got kicked out of school again will probably move things along on the justice side.
Yes I remember when I went thru it as a parent and with my parents too!!
Change of life time 13 and over. I didn't come out of it until I was 37 and at the doors of Al-Anon and then later had to divorce my son who was living with me (an old dream turned nightmare) and go live somewhere on my own.
I learned a ton and most of what I learned came from learning how to communicate and be communicated with. Listening to them verbally and body language thru the filter of my very own experiences. I learned that time and experiences allowed me to listen openly and deeply with out judgments and also to share from my experiences (I remember when I did that myself...I would say) without being self righteous. LOL I remember my son telling me, "I want to talk to you and I don't want you to say anything...just listen". He was in confusion and full of emotions. I said "okay" and he came over and spewed his guts all over the place. When he was finished and got a fresh breath back he looked at me and asked, "Well aren't you going to say anything?" We all know they are looking for answers we just don't realize that they are afraid of getting the answers from us for many reasons that we already know.
Regardless of how he is doing from his own choices...love your son unconditionally anyway; inspite of the trouble. Don't loose hope that he will become healed because after all you have. You have progressed and so can he and anyone else. You don't have to be "his" person...you need to be your own person. He doesn't respect your values or the values of the community. He will try to will himself into happiness and self satisfaction until he has to give up his will. You and the rest of his community will pull away from him you are not alone. Let his HP intervene as HP always does and continue to stay out of the way of his well earned pain. It will happen when he surrenders himself to a power greater than himself. I'll pray for his surrender and that that surrender day comes sooner than later.
I use to work with teens like your son...like myself. My mother got the son that she wanted from the Al-Anon Program and AA. She would have never guessed or thought that one up but she trusted a God of her understanding who is different than the God of my own. Keep allowing him to feel the pain of his own choices. It's okay.
Keep coming back. Are you attending Al-Anon? (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 1st of April 2009 02:45:10 PM
Thanks for the posts Tender, CG and Jerry. It is much appreciated. My stomach is in knots right now worrying w/the impending trial tomorrow. I had decided 6 months ago not to intervene in my son's consequences to his actions. His father and I (and many others) have warned him of the outcome of poor choices. He chose to ignore us then and still does now.
The last thing a mother wants is to see her child suffer. It is eating me up inside that my son is suffering and there is nothing I can do to help him. I guide him as best I can but he has the oars to his boat....not me. He has to choose which direction to go.
And Jerry - to your comment about how your son said to you that he wanted to talk and you to listen......well I've done that one before. I have just listened to my son. And I have found that all he spouts is a bunch of total BS. It saddens me. He wants to have those heart to hearts w/me and his dad and anyone else who will listen. He talks about how he is going to change, do this or that, yada yada yada....all the things we WANT to hear. But it is a crock. I've seen him have this chat w/me and his dad and 2 hours later go right back to what he was doing to get himself into trouble in the 1st place. It's extremely frustrating.
And the LIES...oh the lies.....I cannot stand the lies. I come home from work and there is a hole in my wall. It wasn't there when I left for work. He was there all day. And some how or another he expects me to believe that he didn't put the whole in the wall. I have holes my walls and in my doors. He kicked the door in on my shed last fall. He punched my locked bedroom door while I was at work last month putting a hole in it and knocking the mirror that was screwed in on the back right off and it broke. He punched a couple of holes in his closet door and his sister's closet door (when that was his room). He rifles through all of my stuff looking for I don't know what. I just realized last night that he found the shed key I had hidden and rifled through stuff out there. He even took my daughter's loose change that she had been collecting in a coffee can in her bedroom. She had it hidden but he found it and now it is gone. If he didn't take it, he allowed one of his crooked friends to take it. So sad.
It is sad.....I CANNOT TRUST MY SON AT ALL. It breaks my heart!
Oppositional Defiant Disorder...Not saying that is what he is or is going thru but it sure describes the behavior. By the way to some degree that was my own experience. Unchanneled aggression = property damage. He doesn't know what to do about himself and knows that he must do something about himself. Since he doesn't know (lies to others and to himself) he's doesn't have much of a chance than a snowball in hell. He will get input from the community of service givers including the cops, judge, courts etc. There are a ton of services givers getting great money and we already pay for them up front. He will get lots of direction... go here do that...go there do that. He will resist and be defiant, that is what he knows best. Is he bad? most likely he is scared to death and resisting that others should find out. He feels less than and that is frustrating because he doesn't know how to get out of it other than to act out of it. He is terrified. Does he know what he is fearful of? Can he verbalize what is terrorizing him? Is he affraid because he needs others in his life and believes he should rely on himself alone? You won't know until he is helped to know. He doesn't know and he doesn't know he doesn't know...(that was me). I had to come to understand in a program of thousands of others who also came to understand and told me.
Often times with alcoholic addicted compulsive impulsive self intrapped people it takes pain to apply the brakes rather than the pedal. Pain doesn't kill so much as it is a great teacher. First three steps? "Trust God".
I have been there too. My son is now 33. He did all those things...breaking and entering and destruction of property, alcohol, drugs, acting out and getting suspended from middle school numerous times. I was at my wits end. He was diagnosed as ADHD and was on ritalin for awhile. That made him depressed. We had him tested for allergies. He did have many of those.
Today, he has a career in the Navy. He went in at 19. He failed the last year of high school. On his own, that following year, he went back to school long enough to get his diploma. I was so proud of him because school was so hard for him. I was just in awe of his determination at that time. He was on probation for something at the time he went into the Navy. His PO let him off probation to go into the Navy. He was in there for 3 years and came out. He got his own place with a friend and got back into doing drugs. After about 2 years he decided he needed to go back in the Navy. Thank God for that. He almost immediately signed up to go to Japan and that is where he met his wife. They have been married now for about 6 years.
My son still has a hard time as he is an alcoholic and a binge drinker. He does admit that he has this problem but continues to try and handle it on his own. I have had to let go of him and hand him over to HP. I do have so much compassion for my 2 A sons as they did not ask to be born with this disease. They inherited from their family but it is up to them whether or not they want to live a better life or not.
I am not saying that your son is an A but if his dad is than it could be so. Stay with this program. I believe it can get us through this disease.
