The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay so I posted on here last week my A is having an affair and openly tells me like there is nothing wrong with it. I have let go and let god. I do my best to only worry about me and just for today.
We have gotten along pretty well surprisingly since this has happened, but he sits and acts like I am still his girlfriend and I should act like it and there is no other girl in his mind. But he goes to see her every night after work and comes home in the morning. He told me if I changed (yeah I have all the problems in the relationship in his mind) we can work things out, but he wont stop seeing her till I change.
I have been learnign a lot from this and know there are things I need to change to fix things if that is what I chose, but he does to. And he says until I change he is going to keep it up; but how does he think I am soo stupid to continue acting like nothing is going on. I do love him a lot and would like things to work out, but like I told him I am not going to kiss your a$$. If things don't work out I am to the point that I really don't care. He wants to "be best friends
Sunday decides ohh baby I miss I am going to stay home tonight and spend it with you. Cleans all day, cooks a big dinner and then expects me to sleep with him. He gets mad when I wont. It's really just starting to irritate me.
Like this morning he said he was going to come home tonight; I don't ask or say anything about it. Then before work I wouldn't sleep with him so he thinks I have the attitude. It's like he finds every little excuse to blame on me to go there. And it's not even hurting me anymore just irritating me because I just let it go.
(well he jsut called and I guess is coming home tonight..I was like okay I am watching tv bye)..Like I don't even know what to say. It's HARD at times to just not be like are you serious? How dumb do you think I am? I don't want to argue with him, I don't want to try to tell him what I want until he decides. And I am not even sure...
Anyone else went through something like this? I know I will NEVER understand him, but this just really confuses me.
Guess I am just posting to see if anyone can relate and what they went through.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I can't say I've been through this but I can tell you I wouldn't tolerate it. We all have different boundaries but the chance of getting a venereal disease or even AIDS from his nightly escapades would put a big kabosh on the relationship for me.
Let alone his expectations that you should be awaiting him with open arms after he has been with someone else. He wants you to change? There's a whole lot of manipulation happening on his part. He's going to keep sleeping with people whether you change or not sweetie. It's not about you. You just get the blame so he has an excuse. You'll have to decide for yourself what you will put up with and where your boundaries are. Right now there doesn't seem to be any, which is like telling him this is OK with you.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Funny you should ask as that is how I got into my relationships with alcoholics and addicts and that is how I ended them. I changed my thinking, my feeling, my behaviors and went back to living my real values. I have learned to say and feel "It's not okay with me. I'm going some place where it is okay with me (the right thing that is) and then...followed thru on it with confidence in my HP. I read your post and said....been there done that and then how very insane.
Keep coming back. You're not alone and you have much support to change the things you can.
Oh, yes, I relate because I have been there! The day I told my A that I would be gone until morning and to be out of the house when I returned, was one of the most empowering (and saddest) days of my life. This was with my husband of 18 years, the father of our three kids. The justification, blaming, and brilliant ability to make it "my" problem is all too familiar. I hung on for 6 months thinking it would change with marriage and personal counseling, rehab, then recovery.... Nope. Fact it, it was sick, addictive, insane behavior. So sick in fact, that it got him kicked out of rehab.
Melissa, it doesn't just get better, especially when you make his quest easy by allowing it. I know making a decision to get out is incredibly difficult, but from my experience, it is one heck of a lot easier than emotionally dealing with the horriffic and absolutely abusive and degrading experience of an ongoing, deliberate affair. The six months I allowed it was waaaay too long, but it took that long for me to get out of the shock and illusion that things would just get better, and to make a plan that was best for me and our kids. It took months of being away from it to realize how sick and crazy I was too. It is still a battle I fight, but slowly I am getting stronger. I am better able to see it for what it really is, and even though I still wish things were different, I rejoice that it is not in my home.
If your A's other relationship were to suddenly end, would you be okay and ready to move forward? It took a long time for me to realize that the problems in our relationship went far beyond the alcoholism and infidelity. It was going to take honest committment and hard work from both of us to have a future together, and that clearly was not going to happen.
Please keep coming back here, get to F2F meetings, and work this program. You know what you deserve and the way things should be. Don't settle for anything less.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Wednesday 1st of April 2009 09:29:23 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I just need to chime in here that this range of responses are terrific and excellent and I cannot add a single thing to it except to UNDERLINE it and put an exclamation point at the end of it all- you are pretending its Ok but its easy to see that u r not reeeaaalllly OK with the nightly departures and you know what: THAT IS A HEALTHY RESPONSE THAT YOU ARE HAVING- NOT being OK with it is a GOOD SIGN- it means that you care about YOU. Stick with that, my friend and follow it like a pot of gold- you deserve better. hugs, J.
It is so amazing me how very much the disease of alcoholism affects US! I was in a place similiar to yours too once upon a time with my ex-wife.
She was having affairs. I was too sick to do what every fiber of my morals and my brain told me to do. Kick her out!!!
Al-anon has reminded me that it is 100% imperative for me to honor my own values and not to compromise what I know is right for me for another person.
You are doing great refusing to sleep with this sick man. Keep working on you. Don't believe the disease...his and yours...when it tries to tell you that wrong is right.
Good morning Melissia, You said that hubby said you need to change in order for him to come back. Well, what about him. Does he think his behavor is appropriate?
Everyone of us has something in our lives we need to change or fix. It is time for him to look at himself.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
You have received GREAT feedback here so all I wanted to add was that I was very impressed with Your growth in the short time you have been posting.
The change inyour attitude and your changed responses to him are very impressive. I know that right now you are financially dependent on him, have a baby and are looking for a job. Please keep coming back. Keep using the tools of the program, get to some alanon meetings and new solutions will be found.
Isn't it amazing... they will only continue to blame us for more & more things. As if anyone would actually act in a way to get their spouse/lover to go off & be with someone else. As if that emotional blackmail -- and believe me I did more than bend over backwards for my exAH -- it doesnt work. They say you didnt change just right or it wasn't enough. It is like at some point they get off on being sadistic towards us, fueling them more. It sounds like you are holding your ground & detaching ~ amazingly good for you!!! When I was with my exAH, I was so sick & willing to believe I could help to change him -- what a laugh -- it only gets worse.
When I told my exAH that he was "emotionally terrorizing me" & I felt like 'I was living in a war zone' -- (we were standing by my dresser) and he laughed out loud heartily right in my face & then exclaimed, "oh that's ridiuclous". He totally got off on the pain he was purposely trying to inflict upon me. The only difference is I was still willing to be hurt & you have figured out that you no longer have to be!
You say you want ideas -- are u looking for ways to get out? I know you might want to get out at some level but be afraid or not have the means. Whenever I thought of leaving my exAH, I got overwhelmed b/c I had so much stuff - I didnt even know where to begin w/ anything. I made no plans. ultimately I ran away from him on vacation w/ literally 3 bikinis & my wedding ring -- so in the end he kept all of my belongings. In hindsight - it would have been nice if I could have packed up my pictures & baby films & just hopped in my car & drove away ~ instead he kept absolutely everything of mine to hurt me more.
Incidentally I ran away from him (yesterday's anniversary for me) 3-31-2000. I thank God I did. Even though he kept my baby 8MM movies - ultimately, he didnt get me & he didnt get me to kill myself either! I was suicidal at the end of our relationship.
Take care of you ~ and what is in your best interest & that of your kid(s).
I didnt love myslef for a long time. Today that is a very different story. The greatest things I learned from my first marriage were that I will not be manipulated ever again; I learned how to fight & how not to fight; I learned everything that I dont want in a partner or a relationship.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I fully agree that you are worth so much more, and it doesn't seem that he is respecting you whatsoever...... but.... with that being said.... as you're reading ALL of these responses.... please remember the immortal words of Toby Rice Drews (author of the GTS books)....
"Nobody has the right to tell you to leave your A.... not even your counselor!"
Take care, and make whatever decision fits for your needs, and your point in recovery right now...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know I need to leave. And honestly I am not ready to physically leave. I am emotionally working on it. If that makes any sense. When it first happened i was really upset and now it's not really bothering me that much, well it is but not as painful as it was. It's getting easier for me to deal with---not meaning I am accepting it.
I was asking on ideas for things to say to him. Should I be completely mean and rude? That's how I would have been before, but in Alanon we are taught not to do that. I do set boundaries though, but I don't try and start an argument with him.
Thanks for the replies.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Mellisa the truth doesn't have to be hard or rude. You are learning the character of Al-Anon and you got it. If you are mean and rude you can forgive yourself and make an apology. I don't know of any saints in the program or perfect people. What I learned about speaking up for myself and my values and beliefs in program was that when I was with the alcoholic/addict I was the only one on my side and needed to learn how and practice self support.
How did I arrive at a new behavior of talking with her? Just like you I learned it in program, dropped my old ways and practice the new ways. I was practicing love inspite of who she was and what she was doing.
GIRL, you are getting this program and are WORKING IT!!!! I can tell how much you have grown in the program since our first few conversations and your earlier post. That is wonderful!
My friend, I have to suggest to you to set your standards higher. Decide what is best for you and work towards getting there.
From the things you have told me and have posted about your A, treating women like this is what he does, always has and probably always will.
Again, don't let it confuse you about him letting you stay there for free as love. Let it motivate you to get financially independent and get the things you want in life.
