The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have posted in the recent past how my husband, after 8 years of sobriety, started drinking again. After a year of hell, a stint in rehab and being suspended from his job, I removed him from the house. Having 2 babies at home and working full time made it very difficult. I was a mess.
My AH is now living back at home. He is doing very well. Meetings, sponsor, counseling. He is back to being the wonderful person that he was. Knowing that the tiger is only sleeping...I too have reached out for help, going to meetings myself, counseling and reading some great books.
My anxiety and fear still exist however I don't allow them to paralyze me anymore. We are repairing our marriage and it has been a joint effort.
Just wondering if anyone out there is dealing with a recovering A at home and would like to discuss what your experiences are.
That's the miracle...and you are both taking care of your ends of recovery. I love to watch that happen. I on the other hand didn't do it that way. Of course my alcoholic wife would ask me my opinion as to whether she was alcoholic or not and I said no....Geeez "dumb as a stick sometimes doesn't appear so accurate as to my condition then", so she didn't even thank me just went back out and continued drinking more professionally. She didn't get sober until this professor of what alcoholism got out of her way.
I didn't want people to think bad of me because I was married to a drunk soooo I told her she wasn't one. Denial is not a river in Egypt either!!
God Bless you and your alcoholic and family and bestow upon you all the strength and courage to continue in recovery. That I believe is HP's will.
Mine was a " medium high bottom drunk" losing "only" a job and getting a dui before he got serious about AA. Meanwhile, *i* was still not prepared to call him an alcoholic. At first, I was OK with all the time he was spending on meetings - after all, he had this serious problem he needed to fix. After several MONTHS, though, it got pretty frustrating. Thank goodness I was in alanon by that time - I was able to say to my SPONSOR, instead of to him, "it's like we NEVER talk", and she was able to teach me that 3 months is still very early recovery. Arrrggghhh.
I kept a copy of Living With Sobriety from my f2f in the bathroom - actually it's still there, but I read it a lot at first. I think it was very hard for me to leave him the space to work on his own stuff at his own pace. Sometimes I would say something and get no response, but if I didn't press it, I'd get an answer a few days later.
Improvement was and continues to be gradual, but definite. I don't know if having been in recovery before makes a different to pace of a subsequent recovery or not, and of course there's a wide range of experience; but for us, it was a year before we were really having conversations, and two years before they were about substantive issues. Nevertheless, somewhere in there I learned that it is okay for me to say what I need to say FOR ME - I still work on this, but in essence it's figuring out to say my piece in a way that is kind and non-confrontational, and that does not require a particular response from him. No matter how he responds, I've had my say. (This takes a lot of work for me....)
I can't stress enough how important I believe it has been for us to have both partners working on program - it has given us a common frame of reference and a vocabulary that we didn't have before.
It's now five years out and things continue to improve for both of us individually and for "us" as a couple. It continues to be a work in process, and I think accepting that that is actually healthy and normal is a part of recovery for both of us.
I have had periods of anxiety about the potential for relapse, particularly when he does isms like shading the truth, or snapping at nothing; here's where I am at the moment on this: - there are no guarantees. If he weren't an alcoholic, there would still be plenty of other "what ifs" I could obsess about, just as ineffectively and unhealthily. Every relationship has its particular pitfalls - this is one of ours. - Right now, things are pretty good. I have the cute funny guy I fell in love with. I don't agree with some of the choices he makes on how to live his life, but it turns out - big surprise. That's how human beings are. - Regardless of what happens with him down the road, *I* am vastly better off than I was. I have been exposed to and given tools for practicing concepts that I never even knew existed - concepts that, when I use them, MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, no matter what else is going on in my life.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to reflect on my blessings!
I love the expression you used to describe your husband's alcoholism "the tiger is only sleeping"
I have always felt that way about my A. He was my husband and his drug and alcohol addiction almost destroyed us both and our kids too. I divorced him. Made a new life for myself. He got sober and got his life back on track too. It took me 2 years to realize I still loved him even though I verbally denied it constantly. We are dating now. Not living together and I don't think we ever will. The dating thing works for me. And this is where your "sleeping tiger" bit affects me. I often feel like the ball can drop any moment. Sobriety is a life long battle for him. Sometimes I see that look on his face that lets me know he is struggling particularly hard that day. I just say my prayers for our HP to help him through it. But that tiger is in there.
