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We are scheduled to leave for Hawaii (the Big Island) one week from today. We go every year and we consider it our second home. Last year's trip was ruined a bit by my husband's drinking. Since I still have bad feelings/memories from last year, I decided that this year we'd make some changes - we're staying on a different part of the island.
Here's the problem, my husband is spiraling out of control with his drinking at the moment - he has been for a few weeks. It's causing me anxiety and panic attacks (which I have just started seeking therapy and medication for). I'm worried that my anxiety could affect our trip. I'm worried that his drinking could affect our trip.
This past Saturday, I have asked him to take it easy on the drinking up until our trip so that I can see for myself that he's serious about this wanting to be a pleasant, family vacation, but so far he hasn't done so. it's not like I'm asking him to quit drinking alltogether, just cut down.
My mind is telling me that we need to cancel this trip - my heart is another story. Even though it makes sense not to go now, I know that I'm going to be so resentful, angry, and hurt that he made me cancel the one thing I look forward to every year - the one place that had always meant so much to us the past 10 years.
Every day I wake up hoping that today's the day he will come to his senses and not get out of control with his drinking so that I will be in a good place and we can still take our trip, but every day I get disappointed.
Does anyone have any advice at all????? THANKS FOR LISTENING!
That's a tough one.... asking an alcoholic to "cut down", and then tieing expectations/hopes to that request, is a recipe for disaster.... Simply put, if an alcoholic could cut down and/or stop on request, then they would NOT be an alcoholic....
If you do go on your trip, making the conscious decision that you are going to enjoy things, do things, "with or without him" is a key....
No advice, per se, but perhaps something to consider..... A's need to suffer the consequences of their behaviors and/or actions..... Perhaps the cancelling of your Hawaii trip could be one of those consequences?? You'd have to think through what that would potentially mean to you and your family, etc...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You can't control it. The 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
Believe me, I so didn't believe that when they told me. I was convinced (with the help of my AH) that I COULD control his drinking.
I would ask him to just have one beer...for me....rather than the entire case...for me....for his kids.....for his health.....for his job....for God's sake!!!!
Never worked. He would explain to me that he wouldn't drink if I would just....sleep with him more often, do the dishes, have his uniform pressed and ready, keep the kids quiet, make more money, not talk to him about life events...etc.
Never worked. Here is what did work: I gave up all expectations of what he should do, what I wanted him to do, what our life should look like. Surrendered. No expectations. At all.
Took some time to get to that point. But I was much happier and peaceful. He didn't know what to do when I stopped trying to control him. It really blew his mind.
So, take what you like and leave the rest, but what you have done in the past as far as trying to control his disease hasn't worked so far, maybe you want to do it differently? Leave him home and take the kids and have a great vaca! That would be my ideal.....
For me the consequences of him drinking would be for me and my child (if I had) to go on the trip without him. Obviously if he's too drunk to get on a plane they won't let him. So I would go without him.
Asking him not to drink or count down only raises hopes and expectations that he might do it. It can lead to disappointment to say the least. Why should you and your child be punished for something that he's doing. That's like dying for his disease. No way I'm gonna do that.
You have some tough choices to make. But if our recovery means anything, it means living the life we so richly deserve. It means taking back our life and doing what is best for you and your family. You can't live your life around your husband. Life is going on with or without him. How you want to live it is your choice. I hope you go. If you do have a wonderful time. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I had to laugh because earlier today I was thinking how funny it would be if I told him that the trip was off. And then after he went to sleep, packed up mine a our son's stuff so we could head out in the morning for our 8:00 a.m. flight. Since he's been off from work he hasn't woken up any earlier than 9:00, so we'd be in the air by the time he realized we were gone. LOL!
Unfortunately his drinking and the results of his drinking has cause me terrible anxiety and panic attacks - I highly doubt I could travel with our son alone. But it is a funny thing to think about.
OH...I wish you could go without him. In November I went on a long weekend with my Mom somewhere. I left my A Hubby at home. And he had people over and they drank. I knew about it while I was away and it hurt. I think when I leave again, I WILL NOT CALL HOME or ANSWER my phone. It will be my time away. OH...i really wish you would go w/o him. Good Luck, Sincerely, Tonya
My ESH is to go and focus totally on you and what you want to do- take off, drive around (I LOVE BI- its the best place on earth for sure), absorb the healing and regenerative energy of that sacred island. Pray a lot there for renewal- it is the HOMELAND of renewal (the volcano could be our first clue! LOL!) and strength. Make it a pilgrimage, one just for YOU. Hugs and much aloha, J.
Every day I wake up hoping that today's the day he will come to his senses and not get out of control with his drinking so that I will be in a good place and we can still take our trip, but every day I get disappointed. Whenever we base our own happiness on someone else's actions we are going to be disappointed. Happiness comes from within.
He's going to drink. That's what alcoholics do. It is not only a mental disease, but physical. His body may require the alcohol. I didn't understand that until my husband nearly died from not drinking. For most, asking them to cut down is like asking them to not breathe much.
I think you can still find joy with your child no matter what your husband is doing. When you give up vacations due to his drinking...IMO, the alcohol wins. My first thought would be to go w/o him. If that isn't possible I would let him do and be whatever it is that he does.... while I have a wonderful time making memories with my child. Five yrs from now, my guess is that you will wish that you had not allowed the disease to take so much from you. Worse yet, you will realize that it took nothing, you gave it freely.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Two of my vacations with my AH have been a nightmare. We are going on vacation again and he has agreed not to drink for the WHOLE three days. But still I'm having a plan in case he drinks. A. I'm taking money in case I have to come back alone with our daughter. B. I made sure there is enough rooms available in case he drinks and I have to change rooms. C. I told him if he drinks the day before the trip is off and MEANT IT!!
If you don't feel like calling off the trip, please have a plan B, C and Z. Be prepared.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
