The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi My name is Dale and I am a gratiful member of Alanon, and AA
I have been a member of this site for approximatly one yr. Before that I lived aa for almost 21 yrs, Spent some time in ACOA, All the while growing. Today I need to share something. I woke up crying, part of it was tears of joy and part tears of sadness. I was not alone, I was not affraid, the tears just fell, and it was so ok.
You see when I started in aa, I felt aloneness and despair like I never knew. I really believe Alcholism is very eviel disease and just wants to hurt us and destroy our lives, no matter which side of the fence we are on. The type of pain that has me on my knees crying out for god. And without it I may never have known god, a god of my understanding, one that loves me and cares for me.
Today I am crying for the little kid in me that was alone and scared and hurt, today I cry for the people I have had to place in gods hands and save myself, and walk away. I pray for the young man who lost it all, and wanted to die, thinking there was no other way out. The same one who cryed out to god..Please help me. And he was saved.
But mostly I cried for myself, and being saved from this terrible addiction and pain. They were tears of graditude, that I am free, free from all this pain. Tears of graditude! Today I spent the day with people I really truely love and care for, people I know that would stand by me no matter what came my way. It is the love I have been shown that is indescibable. I have people around me that love me, way so very much, that show me how to love and care not only for myself, but also them. It is the same way I believe god loves me.
You see I have spent last 7yrs in a horrible addictive relationship with a lady that is truely in pain, and I so wanted to rescue her. Every fiber in my being screamed hang on, YOU CAN SAVE HER!!!! I thought that, If I let go she will feel the same pain as I did all those years ago. Truth is she already is in all that pain. And by the grace of god -Today I realize I can not save her, that is her journey to take, and only if she chooses.
What I have learned is the only person I can save is myself. It was like a light bulb moment. I told my wife 2 days ago I am done, and I want a divorce, Which I plan on carrying thru with. This doesnt mean I stop working the program or I am free from all this, because I am not. As aa says I have a conditional reprive dependent on my spirtual condition. Today I am free from this disease, and can have all the pain and hurt back if I choose.
Today I am a dual winner as some would say, and see this disease from both sides, and on both sides is pain and hurt. Today, I pray for my ex-wife, that she may find healing. I hand he to god and let him fix her, one much more qualified to do so. And most of all, Today..........I get on my knees and tell him thank you for all the gifts he has given me!
wow, that is a very powerful and courageous share, Dale. I feel touched by your humility and honesty. Its a long road and a difficult one. We have such difficult choices to make yet both programs teaches us that we do have choices and that they are ours to make. You are an inspiration to me this morning and my best prayers and thoughts are with you. You are brave and you are loving- to yourself and ultimately to her also, you know. Hugs, J.
You are so courageous. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you and the peace that you have found. The journey is not over. Keep working it, friend!
You got me with that one. You are so brave and couragious. This goes in my file as one of my favorite posts. Thank you for this. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((((( Dale )))))))) wow, I really liked your share and can say that I related to it.
I was with my exAH visiting his idolized father down in Florida. The second day of our week long visit (I'd been married to his son for four years) this man says to me, very confidently, "my son doesn't speak to you properly, does he?" It was the beginning of clarity for me -- to have his own flesh just stand up and announce he could see how abusive our relationship was, no shame just matter of factly. Three days later, in another heavy conversation, I told his dad, "it feels like your son is trying to kill me" spiritually speaking at the very least anyway (not to mention he was giving me directions & orders for how to carry out my suicide).
It became in an instant him vs me & I had to choose. Even though I was severly codependent, in love & had been willingly & subconsciously controlled by fanatical bully & addict ~ I was able to choose me/life. It took me a lot longe to get "well" from it all ~ but it def came down to me choosing to put energy on me & leave exAH to his own devices.
I used tohate Florida too but now I see that I gained myself back there or at least it was my first step back to me.
I know what ur feeling is very bittersweet but nonetheless, congradulations on getting to YOU. I opted to continue to love him from very very far away & in spirit only.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you Dale, I felt your heartfelt words and understand the power with which you submit to clarity and serenity. Two things came to mind while reading...1) how very difficult that is 2) how very simple it is. Life can be such an oxymoran as long as I choose to hold on to the drama there will be loads more coming my way. As long as I give over the drama the loads that come my way are those of comfort and peace. Very profound post, thank you again for having the courage to share.
