The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got 2 thinking about somethings tho.. When I was growing up, we didn't get to do alot of anything AT ALL, Only place I went other then school, was my mom would put us all in swimming lessons in the summer, we were gone most of the day, because of were the bus had to take us, and I think that helped her get things done...And I'm pretty sure it was pretty cheap or we would not have went...
My fathers drinking, really put a wedge in an around this entire family...I look at my sibling, and see such distance and pain... The 2 youngest didn't get hardly anytime with Dad, my older sister and I the most, and my other brother was 3 when we left and he is the biggest A of us all... They say sharing helps... Somedays I wonder if it helps or hurts to open up old memory's... Sometimes I feel envigerated, other times I feel irritated, and then there is just plain old PAIN...
So... How do you know when you are going to deep... Or have you not went Deep enough... That is something I struggle with... Somedays I go along, doing great, and the next day I question what my "quest" is? I know I want to be a better, more balanced, healthy, open minded person... But how do I know that the steps I am taking are the ones that will get me there? I do trust that my HP will help me, it is not him I question.... It Is ME?
I know what I have over come, I know what my regrets are, I know were the pain lays, I know this disease Killed my father..How much more do I really want to know and remember?.
I have not been "Me" in soooo long, that I guess I am questioning "Who" am I? I know this don't make much sense, but to me it does... Or don't.. for that matter :) I guess I just want to know how to challange my thinking to a more possitive, "Forward" bound, train of thought, because all this going back is exausting me!
ANYONE GET THIS? If so, Love to hear about it.... Jozie
Your post made perfect sense to me.I too thought rehashing the past a waste of time and all I wanted to do was live in the now going forward with the bright new tools of alanon.
My sposner explained to me that we, like the alcoholic must come to terms with the wreckage of the past so that we can live in the now without the fear, anxiety, anger, resentment of the past motivating or present actions.
I did not know who I was either. I thought I was the anger, resentment and self pity which was very deep in my being but I was told that that was not who I was.
Theses were just the effect of living with the disease. Using the steps, meetings and a daily gratitude list would change this and I would discover the person I truly am.
The tools I had used growing up with alcoholism-manipulation,anger, denial, pretend,criticism,sarcasm, isolation, focusing on others did not work in the grown up world. The tools alanon offered were constructive and not destructive like all my other tools.
Be gentle with yourself You have accomplished a great deal, make sure you put that on yur gratitude list. The program is a process go slow and only use what you are ready to handle.
Makes sense to me. I often wonder who am I. Who would I be if I didn't have all this baggage and pain and trust issues... Even know, thinking about it, it's just too hard to process. Too confusing. We can't change our pasts, so we have to make it tho they make us stronger, not more bitter and angry. I often loose confidence in ME and MY ability to get better. The only thing that keeps me going its faith, that there is BETTER than this. Has to be.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I just got 2 thinking about somethings tho.. When I was growing up, we didn't get to do alot of anything AT ALL, Only place I went other then school, was my mom would put us all in swimming lessons in the summer, we were gone most of the day, because of were the bus had to take us, and I think that helped her get things done...And I'm pretty sure it was pretty cheap or we would not have went...