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My partner has been sober this last time for one year, 5 months. He has been sober before and relapsed every time. Every time he got sober, including this time, it has only been because he would get mean, abuse me, I would have him arrested, and he would get sober in jail, then have to stay sober while on probation. He is on probation again. The problem this time is even though he is sober, (he never hit me when he was sober) his personality changed. He was nice when he was "just a little drunk" but now he is acting like he did when he was really drunk, except not hitting me. I don't think I'm explaining this very well. When he was drinking, but I didn't know he was drinking, I loved him. When he was drinking, and it was obvious, he was nasty and would hit me. Now that he's sober, he has a very nasty personality. He trys to control me, he at times sleeps too much, like tonight went to bed at 7pm, he tells me I should love him just because he's sober, he won't have serious conversations about the problems in our relationship, but will tell me I'm the only one causing problems. If I try to discuss any issue, he'll interrupt me, talk over me, walk away, or start talking in a funny voice and say that he's showing me what I sound like. He never did this when he was drinking "a little". I really don't understand this weird personality change. The other times he got sober, he wasn't like this. He has also stopped going to AA, and dumped his sponsor. He is swearing he is never going to drink again (instead of taking it one day at a time) and refusing to tell me about unaccounted for time (at an 8 hr a day job for 12 hours, saying it's because he drives to his coworkers house and gets a ride from him because the job site is an hour away and he doesn't want to drive that far because the car will break down (?).) He frequently takes off and won't say where he's going, but if I ask if he's been drinking, he'll get insulted, saying I should trust him. He also says he has no problems, and our relationship has no problems, just because he's sober (his sobriety makes him ideal, basically, no matter how obnoxious he is). Is this a normal part of recovery? And what exactly is a "dry drunk"?
Hi cg, this disease is progressive and it sounds like it it progressing for him. By progressing, I mean getting worse with each bout/round. I am no expert and I am not an old timer but this disease can get much worse very quickly. Alcoholics are very difficult to live with- we do all know that- and our program teaches us to detach and it also teaches us that this is in fact a disease and that these behaviors and actions and changes in personality are the disease, not him personally.
It sounds to me, from your post that detachment and minding your own business may be useful. Stay out of his way and get into your own groove/program more- do things with your friends and family, keep your own counsel.
All of the behaviors he is demonstrating were demonstrated by my A ex H. It got worse. He was also diagnosed with a mental illness which he refused to get treated. He never felt a recovery program was for him. He behaved this way all the time or worse.
The question always comes down to- what are you going to do? In a way, it does not matter what he does because its just ALL disease. What are YOU going to do to take care of yourself? I hope you have found a good al-anon group to attend, please go find some, that is the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep our focus on our OWN program of recovery and not mind THEIR progress/recovery- THAT is their business! I hope you are attending al-anon meetings. They are the best and swiftest road to improvement. Attend as many as you can! When I got started in this program again, I attended 4 per week and got great progress in a year! It just keeps getting better and now I need to stop typing so I can get ready to go to my own homegroup this morning. Hugs, J.
What recovery? He's not in recovery! There is a misperception that when one stops drinking, the problem is solved. The drinking is just a symptom of a "thinking problem." Without a program like AA to change the thinking pattern, the disease still swirls around in the brain because it doesn't know anything different.
But, you are powerless to change that in him.
However, in al-anon, you can learn to find contentment and even happiness for yourself, whatever he is doing. The only thing you can change, is you. I hope you focus on your own recovery with regular f2f meetings. Life gets much better, trust me. Keep coming back.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I do know some alcholics who stopped on their own. I'd say they don't have a great quality of life but I don't live their life with them. I certainly know that they stuff their feelings.
Of course it is always hard to look at a relationship where you have given way too much and try to be objective.
Al anon can help you. Whether you stay or go al anon can help. If you can learn the tools it wil really help you not to get pulled into whatever your boyfriend is doing.
DRY DRUNK : refers to an alcoholic who is no longer drinking alcohol but who is still exhibiting a lot of the negative behaviors associated with the drinking.
You ask is this normal and what is "dry drunk"...when one decides to quit drinking is only the beginning of recovery...their body takes a toll...yes they want to quit but they still have the cravings so to speak during the beginning...sometimes it takes months, years for them to be sober. The behavior you are seeing is called dry drinking because it is exhibiting the negative behaviors associated with the disease of alcoholism. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and you are in the right place with Alanon. Keep coming back!! and taking it one day at a time!!
Brightmommy
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"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
