The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
EXABF just sent me an email advising that "considering our conversation and the weirdness in my head I think we should take a break". He said he knows it is all him and he needs to figure some things out (again), and that he hoped I know how much he cares for me and my son (actions speak so much louder that words) and he hopes that this won't keep us from talking but that is up to me, and that he was really looking forward to seeing me and doesn't know what happened. And that he picked the first day of Spring as our date because we never had an anniversary and he realizes now that date, and times aren't as important as the underlying foundation and that we had that before and he'd like to think we'll find our way to it again. And that he's always there if I need to talk. I am sooooooooo far beyond insane because of his behavior and can no longer deal with it. How can you love someone and hate them all at the same time. He is all over the place and can't make a decision and obviously mortified of commitment. And to even write that he hopes this won't keep us from talking?????? Sureeeee we'll keep right on chatting so I can keep putting my life on hold and he can keep holding on without any sort of real commitment. What a JERK!!!
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Believe it or not, this is all too familiar. My ex did/said the same things. He really got off on keeping me off balance. It was all about control. Abuse is about control, including emotional abuse. Here's the good news :You do not have to have any contact with this guy ever again, if you choose not to. And the way he is treating you, like dog poop, but saying it all really "mature-ly" leaving you to look like the crazy one....pppfffttt.
I know it is hard as hell, but respect yourself enough to not be treated like that by anyone ESPECIALLY someone who used to, or is supposed to care for you. That is just silly. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't get stuck, let go, let God.
Sounds just like what my A said today, but he still wants to have sex...yeah not going to happen. It's hard we have a child together and I am not working and have been looking with no luck. He keep saying you know I still love you and maybe one day... I don't have no trust in him and I think I am finally realizing I probably never will. He doesn't understand it and I am tired of explaining.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I am going to share my E, S & H, based on my experience being separated from my sober AH and trying to reconcile as we both work our own individual programs. Despite being sober almost 4 years, my AH is still a "baby" when it comes to living life as a sober man. He is just now learning how to process his emotions and not run away from them; how to act and not react; how to live his new life without fear. He may be 46 chronologically, but he is still in his early 20s emotionally alot of times.
When I decided to stay in this marriage, I recognized that I would have to commit to being it in for the long haul. While he has achieved physical sobriety (one day at a time), he is still working on emotional sobriety and there is not way to know how long it will take before he is able to handle the realities of life under the same roof. He is very active in AA and has recently started individual counseling to help with the process. As long as it feels like we are moving forward, this relationship works for me, just for today.
So, with that being said, this is what I thought when I read your post...
It sounds as though he is being as honest with you as he can be.
It sounds like he recognizes that he is unable to give you what he thinks you want from him.
It sounds like he recognizes that you have the power to set boundaries for what you can handle or want out of this relationship or friendship.
So, it seems as though it's really up to you. You can take what he is saying at face value and make choices that are the best for YOU. Or, you can filter what he is saying through your own expectations/needs and continue to drive yourself crazy. I wouldn't recommend the latter--I am getting better, but I still seem to go for that one first and all it does is create anger, resentment and fear for me. I fall back into old patterns of obsessive thinking/analyzing/rationalizing what my AH really means or why he is doing what he is doing or why he isn't doing what it seems like he should be doing if he loves me or...UGH...the list is endless.
It sounds like he recognizes that you have a choice in all of this, and you do.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I've just re read SLS's reply. I too used to 'filter' out what my exbf said to me. He was trying to tell me for months he couldnt give me what I wanted. I chose to ignore this, hearing only my version of events, totally ignoring the truth. Now I feel quite ashamed that it was my very sick A who had to be the sensible one. In the end I got it, I didnt want to put pressure onto someone who is struggling with a life and death situation, thats what recovery is for him.
If I truly loved him then I'd only want what was good for him. So I Let Go and Let God. Now I feel so much better. I'm no saint, I'm not great, I hung on for too long, but with the help of this program and my HP I did the next right thing.
I hear in your ex partners words not rejection, but honesty. Stop pursuing him, let him go.
Sureeeee we'll keep right on chatting so I can keep putting my life on hold and he can keep holding on without any sort of real commitment.
I believe you said this tongue-in-cheek and/or with sarcasm, but this is EXACTLY what he (and many alcoholics) thrive on and wish to keep, and it seems to be working for him!!
When they get truly scared is when we choose recovery for ourselves, start changing US, and stop reacting and hanging on their every move (as most of it is insane).
Take care, and get the focus back on you - you'll be astounded by the positive results...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
