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So I left my ex ABF 2 and a half months ago. He went back to AA got a new sponsor and was very gung ho about everything. He had 2 months 2 weeks ago and we were starting to talk on the phone every now and then as "friends". Last Friday I started getting really horrible hurtful texts from him that continued until Monday. On Tuesday he called me and told me he had been drinking all weekend (duh!) and how sorry he was and that he still wants to marry me!!! I asked him not to contact me in any way...no phone calls, not texts, no emails...etc) So today the texts started again. Then about an hour ago he texted me that he had slept with some woman and then some very rude stuff that I won't repeat here. My question is this.....I know he's drunk and I know what he's writing me is not personal or even remotely true.....but it still HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!!!!! Every text I get feels like a punch in the stomach. I'm afraid that if I get a restraining order he'll just find some other way to hurt me. How do I make him stop contacting me....yes, I've tried changing my phone number.....any help would be greatly appraiciated.
If it feels like a punch in the stomach every time you read them, then the solution seems simple.
Chances are you won't "make" him do anything. What you can do is protect yourself by deleting the texts before you read them. I know that is difficult but you know it's hurtful hateful stuff so why do that to yourself? If it makes you feel any better, text him that is what you will be doing, then do it and don't respond, ever!
Try to reroute your brain that this is not about making him stop. It is about what you can do to not hurt yourself. You are the one in control. With every unread deletion you reclaim your power.
Take care of you, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well, if it didn't hurt, I'd be a bit worried. The fact is that we love those who hurt us because we know who they are when tehy're not being hurtful. We know who they are when they're being themselves and being good human beings. So if you weren't caught in the cycle of "I love him/I hate him" I'd be a bit concerned" Working the steps and learning how to live the al anon program will help you to move beyon what you can't control and onto what you can control. It's a huge change, but it's worth it. That doesn't mean it's automatic or permanent. I think also we all make mistakes--people refer to them as "slips" But to me, mistakes prove that I'm human, and normal.
I had a realisation a few yrs ago -- see I was irritated by things. Everything, everyone. I was constantly in an exacerbated state. I realized that I was the one being upset therefore I could learn how to control my reactions/actions. It took practise, believe me.
It is sort of simple, basic but it works. Focus on YOU. Realize that his hurtful words are designed to do just that - hurt you. He knows if he is craptacular enough - it will get a rise/reaction out of you. A's feed off of our energy if we give them emotions & attention - they count on it, they use it as fuel. The way I worked pon getting emotional detachment - & I mean, so that I could stop getting upset just beacuse they are having a dramatic crisis of the week -- I can be "ok" when their world is collapsing (& so often is). I did it through meditation, too, I focused on my "hooks" coming out of the other person & turning them inward & focusing my attention on me. Like i said, it took some practise, it didnt happen over night. But I can honestly & unequivocably say, I used to focus & obsess on other people 24/7 & I do not do that anymore. I thought I would never change or my obsessing could never stop but in time, by focusing on me & realizing they are only trying to hurt me on purpose to fuel their addiction -- well I stopped being a "host" to their whims.
If I can do it, anyone can! Find a hobby, meditate & when u are worried about him, pray & give him to HP. We can't fix, control or really help them anyway, they have to walk their own life. You deserve to have yours. Boundaries help a lot. I personally, would probably just get rid of the texts & simply stop reading them -- save yourself, dont make yourself nuts just b/c he is! lol
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
WOW, i could have written your exact story...When i left my x i got the same texts usually late at night. They hurt like hell and started me in a tailspin. I used to reply with fire and poison back and it kept the circle going. Then i simply wrote one text with something to the effect of " I know you are hurting as am I. I know you dont mean the words you are saying, i know it is the alcohol talking. Alcohol is my worst enemy as it is yours and i hope you get the help you need.If that time comes, we can begin talking but i will not be abused by your words." Evertime he sent a text i just kept resending the exact same response. He finally got the hint. I didnt give him my power and was not playing games.
Now months later we are once again trying to work on us. He went to treatment, is doing AA and i am doing alanon, got another job to stay busy so that i dont fall back into obsessing over him. He has apologized over and over for his actions and told me he would send those texts out of fear of losing me, and he was so hurt and knew he caused the hurt and wanted to make me hurt. He also admitted the mean texts were when he would drink and didnt even remember half the ones he sent. I saved them in a file and gave them to him one day and now he has to face who he is when he drinks....not me :)
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
thank you everyone for your responses. Of course he's been sending the "morning after" texts this morning.....they mean nothing. I'm not going to look at the texts anymore....there's no point. Thanks again, -reef
I would block his number and delete his text messages , eventually he will get the message that it is over . Your playing a game that only the disease wins someone has got to stop . Louise Nothing changes til Someone changes !
I refuse to take anything my exAH did personally. Why? Because he has a disease, and I didn't cause it. To me, it would not have mattered WHO he married, he would've treated anyone else the exact same way. His disease says nothing about me. It's about him. Likewise, any personal transformation on his part, any amended behavior, is all about him. He gets credit for both.
It's been a year since the divorce. I believe he is baffled by my behavior because I am kind to him. That's okay. My motive is to know peace and serenity for myself. The forgiveness is for ME. Holding onto anger would only hurt ME. I treat him like I treat everyone else. How he perceives that, is totally up to him. It is not my job to make him see the error of his ways.
I encourage you to take care of yourself and protect your serenity, WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE. I encourage you to not take alcoholic behavior personally. His behavior is all about him, not you.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 05:57:09 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
