The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spent some time with a long time friend over the past week. We've been friends nearly 15 years. She's wonderful. And what she's really really good at is minding her own business.
She has a solid marriage, to a man who is not an A. They have a solid foundation and for the most part a very happy marriage - for them. When I think about her, I would describe her as like anyone else, having flaws. There was a time, when some of her behaviour, I might even describe as thoughtless or selfish. But as I journey on in alanon and grow as a person, i find myself retracting my previous judgements and questioning if perhaps she is again, just really good at minding her own "business"?
She doesn't make the same observations that I do when having exchanges with people. I might say, "didn't you notice that they said this or did that?" and she always responds, "no, not really" There are things that her family or friends do that would irritate the heck out of me, and she is unphased by any of it, much less give it the stomach acid or even a 2nd thought to be irritated!!!
She minds her own business and you know what? She's wonderful! Her relationships with her friends and family (and long time employees) are strong and solid. And she is happy. She lives in today. She is a natural example (non alanoner) of how worrying about yourself and keeping your side of the street clean can lead to a great life!
Just thought I'd share, cuz it really makes me think about my previous perceptions and judgements and how they can be my worst enemy. And just because I believe something to be true, doesn't necessarily mean that it is!
That post sounded like it came from an open mind and someone who has become teachable. Watch for the consequences to that. Usually it is sustained growth, peace of mind and serenity.
Hi Rora, wow I think that was a really great post! You know, I know someone like that too! And I have been thinking about this also, off and on for about a year now.
I used to be involved with this guy who was that way and it was sooo refreshing. I mean, our relationship did not work out but it was so interesting to be close with someone who put themselves first and literally let things. people, situations come to him- he never really sought anything out- just remained in the flow and in the mix and stuff just came to him (like me! HA!) and went (like me, too) and it was all cool. He was a very happy and joyful person too who laughed a lot. He had a great sense of humor which I think is also key. He never got bogged down in anything and was rarely depressed. It was really impressive. He was very Walt Whitman-ish!!!
He was not a deep thinker. He is not a big picture person. He is not brilliant. He was not terribly empathetic or compassionate, either. He was not really a super caring person. But he was very contented with himself and his life and he exuded that and that brought to him many wonderful things.
For me, a little of that is really helpful and useful. Now I say to myself sometimes: "what would R (the name of this guy) do?" in certain situations and its absolutely helped me. Act as if. Especially in work/career situations.
In the same vein, I also can see that my own big picture deepness and compassion and caring is an asset to me, when it remains in moderation and comes with good boundaries. I have a depth and breadth of experiences and feelings and knowledge that this guy R will never be able to fathom and I am actually kind of proud of that (finally). So, while I have learned some things from him and others like him, I also appreciate more about myself, too.
It is great to learn from others and watch how others operate- the happy ones! (really happy not the fake happy ones)
Wow, this is the exact sort of person I would term "healthy" & that I was looking for to emulate. To me, when I first began discovering what self love was, it did seem selfish to me but logically, I told myself it was self-preservation & I deserved better treatment. Truth is we deserve exactly what we get, until we change our minds & decide we deserve something else.
If we dont do things for ourselves, no one will! Isn't perception a funny thing?! I am so glad mine is changing too. Thanks for sharing that.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Rora, Sounds like you have a great friend. I am glad that you shared about this today, because I have been struggling with minding my own business. I am such an open person. Open about myself and my A Hubby. I am trying to bite my tongue more often and not be so open. I don't have to explain everything to everyone. I can just give a short answer or simply say, I rather not discuss that. I think this will be a better way for me to "mind" my own business, it doesn't have to be everyone's business too. Sincerely, Tonya
Sounds like your friend is healthy and that is what we are all aiming for....I have a friend like that and i used to think she lived in a fairytale fantasy....now i am seeing i just lived in a horror movie by choice lol
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
well the only way I related before was enmeshed, over involved and over concerned with other people. Making new friends is interesting for me. If there isn't a common interest or they show signs of not taking care of themselves I let it go.
