The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been lurking on this site since last summer, I kept thinking I didn't belong here and that my situation was different. Seven months later I no longer think that, and I'm very scared for my family.
Three years ago I had what I would have described as a great life. I was married to a great guy, we have three wonderful children, currently ages 14, 11 and 7. Life was good. We had a nice house, good jobs, and amazing kids. Our world fell apart when I was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer at the age of 39. It is not curable, and the prognosis was grim. That was three years ago, and while me and the kids forged on, my husband sank into anxiety, depression and alcohol.
The past year has been bad, but the past few months have been downright scary. It didn't help that he was laid off in January due to a lousy economy. We were fortunate that he was given a generous severance, along with a bonus, which allows us to live rather comforatbly for the better part of the year. He doesn't see the fortune in this. he has been drinking day and night, and has become unbelievably paranoid about my actions and whereabouts.
At this point I would love to divorce him, but the truth is, I am going to die in the not too distant future and I do not want to put our kids through so much loss if it can be avoided. Also, if we get divorced, due to my illnes, he will probably get custody of the kids and that frightens me to no end. He drinks during the day and passes out by 7 at night. I am left to deal with everything, even as my own health declines. I am short of breath, and I tire easily. I just want him to go away, but I feel trapped as I can't take care of the kids alone.
I am sick over our situation, and I start thinking that I would be better off dead, then it would all go away. But I love my kids so much, I've got to fight for them, I just don't know what to do for them. I'm so angry that this is taking too much energy away from my fighting my illness, but the Catholic guilt is just overwhelming. I can't just leave him when he is so obviously in pain, but this situation is killing me. He refuses to ackonwledge that he has a problem, and I can't see myself just walking away from him and leaving him to these demons. We have been married 17 years this fall, and that means something to me. I love him, but this situation is killing me.
(((Tracy))) these are hugs going out to you and your family. I can tell you one thing you are in the right place. There are people here that can support and talk to you through this. If you are well enough to get to some face to face meetings try to do that too. I too have suffered the disease of lymphoma cancer, I was given a 50% chance of survival and have survived 15 years. You have survived 3 years since your terminal diagnosis, only your Higher Power knows when it's your time to go.
Alanon doesn't suggest staying or leaving the alcoholic, but give the program a chance to work before you make up your mind. You have a lot (more than most) on your plate. Take care of you. Do what the doctors tell you to do and let the alcoholic worry about himself. Are your kids in any kind of counseling for your illness? I would think that would be helpful if they want to go. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
I don't know your stuggles, but I do know pain... You are in the right place, please keep coming back, and take care of you to the best of your ability... Al-anon (F2F) meetings are great, they help you get focused and give you a great place to fall... You can only help yourself as can he, but you can take care of your self, give your troubles to your HP, and Love them babies...
I will keep you in my prayers... Keep coming back... One Day at a Time... Easy does It:)
Welcome to the MIP family. I am glad you decided to join us and share your concerns and fears. You are in the right place. You are right your children need you and most importatly you need to take care of yourself emotionally, spriitually and Physical.
I urge you to attend meetings but if that is too much please attend the online meetings held here twice a day. Here you will find help You are not alone. The alanon tools empower us to live life, one day at a time, taking constructive actions so that we can live Guilt free with compassion and love for ourselves and our loved ones.
We have simple tools like reading a daily mediation book, writing a daily gratitude list, praying and focusing on our own actions and letting go of our negative self defeating reactions to the disease of alcoholism.
I am so glad you joined us and am so sorry that you are in this difficult situation.
Please keep posting You and your family are in my prayers.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 28th of March 2009 08:19:08 AM
I am a very new person on this forum, and mst will probably not like like what I have to say, because it is not based upon 'the program', which I admit that I am not very familiar with. But I am familiar with an alcoholic husband. I apologize for my bluntness, and I mean no pain, actually I wish I could offer you comfort.
If you have family that you would prefer take care of your children when that day comes, please seek them out, and seek legal counsel to record your wishes.
I have no children, but I would never want any to have to live and deal with what I experience. I am 46, upper middle class, and don't want to come most evenings because of the AH. Even the little girl across the street knows that something is wrong with my AH, and she doesn't want to be around him. There is no violence, but he is not someone yo want to be near.
All of the love to you, Deserve More (you do too!)
Yours is certainly a full plate and a heavy load. Still you are not alone. You have come to the right place for love and support and experiences that have worked for others that might work for you also. One of the things I learned early on in the program is that if you don't take care of yourself you will not be taken care of by the alcoholic and you will not have much left to offer anyone else.
Taking care of you includes finding the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups where a chair is already waiting for you and many sets of arms to support upright. The hotline number for Al-Anon is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Look for it and call it and get there as quickly as you can.
We can only live life one day at a time. We only have a daily reprieve from this life threatening disease (alcoholism) and knowing that you have lung cancer does not make it easier...The rooms of the AFG can if you are willing to go.
You're in my prayers regardless. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I am glad that you came here and have been lurking and reading and are now posting. That is huge.
I want you to know that my best thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. Only a truly supernatural power greater than ourselves can manage the load that you are dealing with.
I have no words of wisdom for you but I want you to know that I will be looking for your posts and together (all of us) we will help you and share what we have to share, in gratitude.
I'm so glad you've found us while there's still a little time - however much you have - to improve the family situation. You can't fix him, I'm so sorry - but you CAN arm your children with information, tools, and with luck even an alateen meeting they can lean on when both you and their father are too ill. Your kids will be able to substitute "cancer" for the word "alcohol" in all the alateen literature and have it be just as true - and my heart weeps for them - but the point is that there IS hope in alateen for them, just as there is hope in alanon for you.
There is some wonderful alateen literature which you should be able to get hold of even if there are no meetings near you - Courage to be Me, Hope for Children of Alcoholics, One Day at a Time in Alateen - if there's no meeting near you, you can order online at www.al-anon.alateen.org - there is literature for you too, of course, of which I would recommend as a first book one of the daily readers like Courage to Change.
Be very very sure that you did not cause any of this. We call it the "3 Cs" - I did not Cause it, I cannot Control it, and I cannot Cure it. However. I CAN learn how to live in a way that nourishes me instead of drains me. And when I live that way, I show my children how to live that way too.
-- Edited by thinkstoomuch on Tuesday 31st of March 2009 12:20:05 PM
Tired Mom 
