Welcome ((((superwoman))))), glad you've found us!

I sometimes resent all the time my hubby spends on his recovery too.  Here's the thing though - when *I* started working *MY* program, we started getting along better - regardless of what kind of day HE was having.

I bought the little book called "Living With Sobriety" at my Alanon meeting - I still keep it in the bathroom.  That was a big help with the coming-to-terms-with-all-his-attention-focused-elsewhere piece.

The other thing that I only recognize in retrospect is that "not resenting his recovery" has had a lot to do with me learning to distinguish between what is "my stuff" and what is "his stuff".  I spent much of my first year in program analysing practically every sentence we spoke to each other, before replying: ok - is this "my stuff" or "his stuff"?  It didn't necessarily mean that I didn't reply if it was his stuff; but that was an opportunity for me to not mind if he didn't agree with me, or didn't choose to follow my suggestion.  After that year, I was ready to learn that it was also okay for me to say what I needed to say in order to feel that I had said my piece - again, I needed to be prepared for him to disagree, not respond at all, or any number of things other than "My goodness! What an insight! You are BRILLIANT!!!"  Interestingly, sometimes I get no reponse when I first say something, but - as long as I do not harp on it - I get a response a few days later, after he's had time to kinda process it and probably talk about it with his sponsor.

There's a lot getting thrown at you all at once in the beginning, I know.  For now, the most important thing you can do is keep coming back.... that's how the "alanon language" starts to gel, and you even start to pick up ideas for things you can try yourself.  Really.  Keep posting, and in 6 weeks go back and read all your posts.  You can't see it now, because you're in the thick of it, but I promise - it really works when you work it.

Hi (((Superwoman))) and welcome to MIP

Please dont feel lost any longer you are in the right place
I understand how easy it is to feel alone and resentful when your A goes into rehab. When my Abf went to rehab I was distraught and isolated, in a terrible state.
Then I found Al-anon and MIP, I've not been lonely since. You can always come here for support.
I started to work on myself, got into my own recovery. By doing so I no longer resent my partners program, I have a greater understanding and that takes away the resentment.
I know right now it feels as though nothing will ever be good again. Please believe me things will get easier. Start taking care of yourself, focus on what you need and most of all try and get to some face to face (f2f )meetings. There are on line meetings here, and a chat room where you can talk to others who understand.

Keep posting and keep coming back

With love and Gratitude Carol

I think the way to stop resenting the A's or their recovery is by getting busy working and focusing on YOU.  It took me a long time in alanon to even realize that by me focusing on whether the A was drinking or staying sober & getting real in their program - had nothing to do with me. What had to do with me was that I was totally fixated & obsessed on other people in my life & no one was focusing, striving, working hard on my life.  Don't get me wrong, my A's interferred & tried to tell me how to live but all I could see was how screwed up their lives were.
     Not seeing that no one was living my life.  Where was I?  Was it worth wasting twnety years trying desperately to force someone else to see what their problems were?  And where did it get me?  Well, I got so frustrated & hurt, I was suicidal & attempting it on a number of occassions.
   It is kind of like the experience of being human - we all get to go through it on our own.  Granted we can be together, but we all have to do it for ourselves.

The greatest thing I ever did was to start focusing on *me* and practising self-love.  Once I began to do this, my life changed radically.  Today I have good boundaries inside - I learned that I can be "ok" even when the lives of others (seemingly) appear to be falling apart. I dont have to get caught up in the family drama - I can be "ok" & still be supportive of them & love them as people, even though I am no longer emotionally enmeshed (& a prisoner to their ups & downs).

I know what a huge temptation it is to focus on the A, esp in early recovery. We desperately want them to succeed.  They also want to do well & it is a lot of pressure.  Stress seems to be their biggest trigger for using.  If I can give myself that attention, removing my energy from teh A's program & focus on mine - it makes it better for us all.  My attention is on me, where it will do the most good.  If I sit on my A's like a hawk, they resent me babysitting their program.

Focus on you, feel - deal - heal the past as things come up that need forgiving & stay focused on you & anything u can be grateful for -- that is the way to release resentment of his program.  Sharing helps get it out, share at f2f or here at the board & in our chat room 24/7.  This place is phenomenal for growth! Welcome.