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Alright I have never said this to anyone because I have never really thought of it. I think it's kind of part of step 4. I posted on here the last couple days about my A cheating and staying with this girl...I have been up and down and thinking A LOT.
Here is what I have come up with.
I was always afraid to have a boyfriend because I thought they never really wanted to be with me. So I never dated anyone. I slept with quite a few people.
I met my A and I thought he was just going to hurt me as well so didn't give him a chance. But he was persistent. Just wouldn't let me say no to hanging out having fun.
Well I started to get feelings for him so I told him I couldn't see him anymore. He told me I had to keep seeing him.
I didn't talk to him for a couple days but he kept calling never giving up on me.
Said everythign I wanted to hear (whether it was a lie or not I don't know).
he started telling me he loved me. I refused to tell him I loved him. I was afraid I would get hurt. I didn't want to lvoe him. We had a lot of fun times.
He wanted to have a baby and then that's when I thought maybe someone does actually love me.
Well then I became afraid he would leave me for someone else. And I didn't keep this so quiet.
If he wanted to do something without me I would "throw a fit" and not tell him why but make up some excuse so I could go or he coudln't go.
I was afraid he would meet someone else if I wasnt with and he would love her and leave me.
I constantly looked through his phone and if he called a girl I would make a huge arguement about it thinking ..if I can catch it before they get too serious he will stop or she wont talk to him anymore.
I have called some numbers and texted them saying horrible things about my A hoping they would quit talking to him. They all said i was crazy and they were just friends.
If he was 20 minutes late from work I would be calling him and if he didn't answer then he had to be cheating on me. And when he would get home I would just start an arguement and if I didn't get the answer I wanted to hear (he was with another women) I wouldn't drop it for a few days. I would keep naggin him about it.
He would tell me you are doing this to yourself. And i always would say yeah you are crazy you are doing it to me. Over and over this went on for about 2 years.
I never realized it was me doing this to myself until today. I feel like I've ruined my only chance with him. At times I want him back and at times I don't becaue of what he did to me, but now that I think about it it really was me.
So now I really do want him back, but it might be too late. He kept telling me I was doing all to myself. I had no clue that my moms drinking affected me. A month ago I realized it probably did a little bit. And now that he is gone I truly realize how much I need to go to ACOA meetings.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Title it Scared of Intimacy, because it sounds like that is what you were. It's amazing how alcoholism can effect our life in so many different ways. For you it was a fear of being rejected by someone you dared to love and out of that fear a realization has taken place it sounds like from what you said.
Take it easy on yourself and realize we didn't get this way overnite, and it will take some time for us to heal. Get yourself into ACoA meetings and continue to come here and post. It took a lot of guts to open yourself up like that and admit a shortcoming. So give yourself credit for recognizing it.
Take baby steps. Get a sponsor. Work the steps and take care of you. The boyfriend will take care of itself.
Thank you for a very powerful share. The awareness that you reached today, though painful is awesome. You are definately in the right place and moving in the right direction.
Please keep on sharing, focusing on yourself, and as Java suggested Get to meetings and keep coming back.
Your growth in this short time is the miracle of using the simple tools of alanon. You can be happy and have asuccessful relationship.
That was an awesome share of honesty.... Shows wonderful growth and awareness on your part.... I certainly don't know if you'll "win him back" or not, but I DO feel good about the fact that you are going to be much better in your "next" relationship, whether it is with him or someone else.... All good stuff... I would also recommend you Google "toxic love", as you'll see quite an amazing difference between "true" and "toxic" love....
Good for you in posting this....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
wow, what an incredible realization. I could have written much of your post a few years ago.
Please remember that it takes two to ruin a relationship or to make one grow and blossom.
HP puts us exactly where we need to be and surrounds us with exactly what we need and removes what we do not need.
You are very courageous. With this awareness you can never forget! Just keep the focus on you and keep attending meetings, talking with your sponsor, coming here and reading the literature. Its our choice to change ourselves and it really looks like you are well on your way! Nice work! Be proud- even though its a sad and depressing thing, too- at least you are awake and can generate change!!! Hugs, J.
Thank you for such an honest and powerful share. You relate to it as a sort of step four, it certainly is Searching and Fearless. Well done on having such awareness, and the courage to share it with us.
I find understanding my behaviour and recognising my part in a relationship very painful and often overwhelming. Working the steps, having the support of Alanon and CoDA groups really does help.
Keep the focus on yourself, lean heavily on MIP, there's always so much support and wisdom here. Keep posting as it helps you and others.
Great Share... I so know were you are coming from... That was me 15 years ago, when I would latch on to about any guy that would offer me a one night stand or an evenning of attention... It took alot to get me to realize that I am not that person anymore... I had been that person so long that was all i knew...
Now... I am happily married to my best friend, I have a beautiful son, and my life couldn't be better... But I was the one that had to put my Obsessing behind, and realize.. If it is meant to be it will be... If not then, pack up and move on... I am so glad I moved on.. My husband, excepts me for who I WAS and who I AM today... I didn't lie to him about my past, because welp..That is just me.. If you ask I shall tell ya, because, it made me the "Stronger" women I am today...
Don't focus on all your wrong doings all the time, focus on YOU and what makes YOU happy, if you can't think of something, then go find some activity's to get involved with, Al-Anon is a GREAT place to start... You are on the road to recovery, just by being here and sharing your story... We all have them, good, bad & Ugly.. It is what you Rise above that makes you the person you are...
Relationships are not easy.. Nothing is, but once you give Yourself to someone that is worth your time A or No A... You will then find the happiness you seek, but you must be gentle, and start slow... Have a little faith.. It has always helped me... You can do this:)
Take what you like and leave the rest... But Keep Coming Back for here is a Safe Place to Fall...
Friends in Recovery... One Day at A Time.... Keep it simple... Let Go & Let God :)
It's a self fulfilling prophecy... have you ever read the secret? About atrracting to yourself what you focus on? Just a thought. Good thing that you see it, I see a lot of irritating things I do too but the problem with me is not just seeing but doing something about it even though it's usually the exact opposite of what I am driven to do.
Aloha Melissa...It sound like you have reached the turning point where you have looked back on your past and come up with some truths. You can see clearly what went on; what you did, they did and how it came out. You seem to have arrived at the decision point; stay the same or change? If you don't change the past will continue to be your present and your future. If you decide for change, a better more serene future then the present can where you live that out. The Al-Anon Family Groups are about changing for today and then keeping hope that as we continue to do that our future lives will be a miracle not worth giving up. That is what happened for me.
If you haven't already? Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline phone number for Al-Anon in your area and the meeting places and times and then make a commitment to go as quickly as you can. You don't have to be alone or feel alone in this ever again.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 27th of March 2009 02:36:18 PM
