The material presented
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I "borrowed" the title of this post from a response from Glad Lee the other day, but it got me to thinking.... I don't like "labels", for us, or others, as it tends to lump too many people/personalities/circumstances as one.... Two of the really common ones that we see on this board, mostly calling ourselves, are "enablers" and/or "codependants". I copied the below note, with permission, from Toby Rice Drews - regarding the dangers and potential negativity that comes with the label of "enablers". Hope this is helpful. I prefer to think of things in the vein of: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time."
Take care Tom
"Myth #6: When parents are told they are enablers, it leads them to stop the enabling."
Enabling is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he cant stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, he cleans up the alcoholics messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alcoholic doesnt suffer the real consequences of his behavior.
A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detachment cant be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.
When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.
More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing got them drunk. In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, I wouldnt have gone out that time if I hadnt been enabled!
The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment. For, detachment will help end your fears and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I hear time and time again the struggle of parents in my al-anon meetings when dealing with their alcoholic children, especially in the area of enabling. They get frustrated and disappointed with themselves when they "do something" to help their child, then they beat themselves up for enabling.
It is not always cut and dry is it?
For me, I have to weight "am I enabling" with "can I live with myself if I don't help someone I love?"
And once again, whose recovery are we working on? Ours or the other person's? Al-anon teaches me to put myself first. If I absolutely have got to help another person for my own peace of mind, so that I can take care of myself and sleep at night, then that is what I will do. If it enables someone else's problem....the problem is still theirs, not mine.
I really like what your post says in relation to we don't cause the other person's drinking, we cant cure it and we can control it. That is absolute. And while certainly buying an alcoholic beer when they don't have the money is enabling behavior...perhaps it still is the lesser of all evils FOR US! They still make the choice to drink it, we don't sit on their chest's and pour the stuff down their throats.
Interesting post.
Goes back to balance again for me. We have to learn as much as we can about ourselves, to know what we can and cannot accept in our life.
No one else can decide that for us.
And, I don't like labels much either. Especially when the label falls under the heading of "All men think like......."
That's why I really try to pay attention to the words I use when sharing (either at a F2F or on a message board). I try to talk only about my own experience instead of speaking in generalities. While those affected by addiction share common experiences, each situation is different. It is not my place to tell someone else's story or to place a label on them. All I really know about is myself and how alcoholism has affected my life.
Also, I have found that when I find myself talking about "you" or the "A," it is because there is something going on with ME that I don't want to deal with...go figure!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Aloha Tom...good post and for me very important in that I needed to learn to have a deeper insight as to the pain and suffering friends, family, spouses and others suffered from being touched by someone with the disease. "Signing" a person as an enabler adds to the weight and pain especially if that person is a newcomer with little experience on the "language" used in either the clinical or social model recovery program.
I had the grace to be raised by members of the Al-Anon family Groups who had insight and compassion for my spirit before I discovered what that was and what condition it was in. They knew and I didn't and they would help me come to understand without further damage. "Enabling" was used to describe behaviors and not personalities or people in general or particular. I was raised within the principles of the program by people who unconditionally loved me. I was never made to feel "less than" mostly because they understood deeply that there was no more room between me and my bottom. There could be no "less". All I had was up. They taught me about my enabling behaviors that I used while loving my alcoholic that made the situation worse in spite of not intending to make it worse. They taught me that I was a loving person with behaviors that were not helpful to the consequences I was looking for.
For me "labeling" another person shows a lack of empathy. I use label others. I found out in recovery that empathy was a personal desire but not a daily belief and practice and that in time I had hurt the alcoholic and many others for lack of practice and then made the change.
We ought not label for this may take on the feeling of the "thumb" pressing down on a head holding the depressed person down.
This post helped me so much today. I've beating myself down all day and this post reminded me that I have to follow the program at my own pace and that it doesn't matter how much time it takes me as long as I stick with the program. People always have advice and will always judge, cause they don't understand, but I feel blessed having this program, where I can feel welcomed and OK with myself.
Thanks
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
This is an interesting post. I'm thinking about it so MUCH more.
I admit, I have used labels too and I think I even referred to myself very recently as a "raging codependent." (It was intended to be somewhat humorous.)
Behaviors can be temporarily codependent. Behaviors can be temporarily enabling. Or even narcissistic. Ultimately, labels are a judgement. And create a limited perspective of what a person REALLY is. Which is pure, when all the fear is scraped away.
Thanks Tom!
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 26th of March 2009 09:38:31 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Well Tom, thanks for the post. You gave me better food for thought than my counselor.
After reading a few responses elicited from my post "Masochist vs Codependent" I felt like an idiot even bringing the topic up. (Yep, I just labled myself.) ~ sigh
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Really good post. The other problem with labels is that it makes recovery sound like cookie-cutter recovery. We should be doing this and that, and on and on. It doesn't recognize the individual. All recoveries are different because as human beings we are all different. I like what you said " I did the best I could with what I knew at the time." That's so true. It's all we can do. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
what a fantastic post..yesterday i was berating myself for being "the scapegoat" in my family. but blaming myself for the role won't help me. i find it helpful to apply to the three A's (awareness, acceptance and action) when i slip back instead of overanalysing everything. i did a lot of therapy which gave me MORE labels!! whilst knowledge is power, i sometimes think labels keep us stuck in our roles-we think "oh god im so codependent/angry etc" instead of just assessing the situation. thanks that definitely cheered me up
