The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My family role is the "scapegoat". I hate myself for assuming such a weak coping mechanism. Intellectually I understand that I am an adult child and in a way, its a relief to get some sort of diagnosis. I went to psychologists, counsellors, CBT therapists, psychiatrists...the lot. All they could ever tell me was that I had low self-esteem. Oh and volatile mood swings. Severe anxiety and anger. All of which I knew already. How could I not? I used to think I was bipolar/had borderline personality disorder because some of their symptoms resemble an adult child's. I was confused because I wasn't bad enough for psychiatry yet normal therapy only helped identify my issues, it didnt help change me really. I dont think psychotherapy can really help adult children. At this stage, I honestly think al-anon is my only hope. Nothing else works really. Sure, certain things HELP-eg exercise, god diet etc etc-but I need a Higher Power. Bottom line. But I have trouble accepting my role. I hate it and what it turns me into. I used to not realise what I was doing. Well, I knew I was screwing up but I thought thats all I was capable of. I didnt realise there was any form of hope for me. I really hate doing the 12 step programme. Everyone says how grateful they are...well i'm not. I dont want any of it. I dont want my family I want a clean slate. obviously al-anon is fantastic but i resent the fact I HAVE to do it. Why me??! when i do well in it, its great of course but there are times when i get so angry and resentful that i think id rather kill myself than constantly have to do my steps like a good girl. i feel pressure not to mess up again yet i still do. when i slip i have to start all over again. when will i stop slipping?? I'm quite young so i cant really relate to the typical demograhpic within al-anon (generally 35-65yrs old). I know the programme isnt about making friends but its hard to stick to when I think "why am i around these people??we've nothing in common at all". It's no-one's fault but it does perpetuate my alienation. im too old for al-ateen. im in my early twenties..there isnt a whole lot out there for me in terms of support groups. am i meant to wait til i marry an alcoholic and completely perpetuate the cycle so i fit the typical demographic?? im really frustrated because i want a sponsor but i dont know who to ask. i think a sponsor is the best option for actually sticking to it but who do i ask??! i was thinking of going to lots of different meetings to see if i meet someone appropriate to my young age. i dont want another parent. i already have two-even if they're not really present in my life. i would like a mentor but not some preachy, bossy person either. intellectually i know that being an adult child is a problem but it seems so overwhelming and hopeless that emotionally i deny and minimise its impact on my life. i know thats normal too but just cos somethings typical doesnt make it easy or lessen my guilt/self hated/anger/self anger. all i feel is anger and i have to exercise/cool down all the time to be normal. will that pass? Im in earlyish recovery so hopefully..!
im sorry for ranting but i keep resorting to suicidal thinking-i wont go through with it because i want to at least give the 12 step programme a better chance. i need some hope to pull me out of this hole. i dont deserve sympathy because i have all the self-awareness in the world yet im still perpetuating my patterns knowingly. im not making an effort right now but will recovery always be so hard?? i know alcoholics and drug addicts can do it so i can too but i think its easier for them in a way because it literally it is a case of life or death for them if they dont really whereas with me, its just my life sucks when i dont do the steps. they have a visible "problem" whereas i just have recurrent patterns!sometimes i think im just blaming codependency on messing up all the time and think "oh pull yourself together". I do try but it never lasts for long because the same things pull me back into the cycle. im so sick of the cycle, its like im emotionally nauseous from it (i hope that makes sense..)i KNOW al-anon works but i keep thinking "when can i stop doing this??" If i have a time period in my head, its like "well its only for X amount of time" but now its like this burden hanging over me, like a noose around my neck all the time, for infinity. i want to run but ive run out of places/options.
i would appreciate some dialogue on the subject, if even to lessen my alienation... i dont expect tips etc even though a huge part of me wants all this FIXED, gone. but i know thats wrong, that it doesnt work like that...im fine if i dont think about anything but i did that and i ended up acting so robotic that i became severely depressed; my menstrual cycle stopped for six months solid etc etc. my body shuts down when i shut down emotionally. i stop living when i dont feel anything but when i do feel, its so intense that it might just kill me anyway. i want moderation yet when i do al-anon everything is so BORING, so stable!! i claim thats what i want but no, what i really want is manageable chaos. chaos i can CONTROL!!!!! HELP!maybe happiness is too high of a goal but i keep having these glimpses of what things COULD be like and i think "wow,im well on my way to happiness" but then i blink and it goes. and then i think "well maybe that is all the happiness im going to get/deserve in life" which then gets me thinking "god, whats the point in living if these elusive glimpses are all i get?"
In reading your posting I heard a great deal of clarity, awareness and acceptance. I also heard a litttle of the title of your posting Resistance.
I could identify with all feelings you expressed, Wanting a timetable to be finished recovery , Not wanting to do the work that alanon requires, getting joy and being so afraid of it acting out to destroy it . Getting Serenity and being bored. YOu have done a powerful 4th step. Wanting manageable chaos is what I wanted Of coarse I had to be the one in control. I also tried theraphy and it did not work Sure I knew all that was wrong with me but I did not get the tools to change until I used the alanon tools, including trust in HP.
I am sure many on this board can truly identify with you.
These are the self defeating attitudes that the tools of alanon help to change. Remember, this is a voluntary program You can come and go as you please. You can leave and come back anytime. This is a very gentle program because we are very complicated people. You say AA is a matter of life or death. You have also indicated that you think of suicide. Both sides of this disease are deadly and not to be treated lightly. Whenever I had a bad cold I would often think if this cold is not over by tomorrow I will Kill myself. I wanted all recovery immediately and if not then I would consider offing myself. It is not rational but it was my thought patterns in my 20s.
You have worked alanon successfully and need a sponser. Try going to different meetings and pray for guidance on picking a sponser. If you are not successful try looking up Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings. You might find people in similiar circumstances there.
We have many males and females under 30 both in my alanon meetings. Please keep trying you are worth it
hi im quite pleased you think ive done a 4th step at all!to my mind, i have trouble even consistently doing the first 3 steps. i have tried to do some kind of 4th steps on my own but i didnt think they really counted, that i didnt do them properly! therapy has definitely given me the awareness so im grateful im not in denial about things.
thats exactly how i feel!! i really dont want this to continue because i know that without a programme, my lifechoices are and will always be limited by my behaviour patterns. its hard accepting all my conflicting emotions; like i want resolution to everything immediately so i dont feel any pain anymore. yes, i do think about suicide but tend to minimise it. today i was galvanised into action because i seriously considered killing myself with vodka and pills. i almost immediately dismissed it of course but only because im afraid i wont do it "properly" and may end up with some horrible paralysis. (not because i want to actively live.) i know i could easily do it-i live alone at the moment- but thats not the point. i dont really want to.
Honestly... I think the Step work can wait until you are more deeply involved and accepting of the program.... As for the ACOA vs. Al-Anon issue - I thinki it boils down to wherever you feel more comfortable - I'd suggest you try a couple of meetings of each one, and you'll likely know what "fits" for you.... The age thing is kinda funny - I never had an issue with age, but DO remember having an issue with gender, in that 95% of Al-Anons are women, so how could they possibly relate to me??? The reality is - the common link that we ALL have is alcoholism & addictions in or around our lives, and that bond is more than enough to break down any of those imaginary boundaries that you might have set in your mind....
As for a sponsor - I agree with your idea of going to meetings, and simply trying to find somebody that you relate well with, who you respect, and who will hold you accountable....
Good for you in getting here, and posting.... keep going - you're worth it.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
