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My husband called sober on his lunch break, so stuipid me talked to him.
According to him I am a wonderful Mother but a lousy Wife. He wants to know what the big deal is? Why can't I just let him drink and enjoy himself, why can't I do the things he asks. He says cleaning and laundry are my jobs as a Wife, he says he is supposed to be the King of his castle and I am supposed to obey him and make him happy.
I told him I work too, why is the house and the kids and all chores my responsibility? He had the nerve to tell me that it is not like I have a real job. (I am a school bus driver and I bring the younger kids to work with me).
He told me that he should decide all finances and large purchases, and have the final say on all dicipline for the kids. (When he was drunk one time he took away all of our older sons electronics, to make sure he didn't use them he went upstairs and cut the cords off his TV, stereo, VCR and PlayStation.) Our son had forgotten to empty the bathroom trash can on garbage night.
He says the kids don't respect him and he is tired of them looking at me every time he tells them to do something. He is supposed to be the boss!
He had the gall to tell me that he drinks because of so much stress and the fact that the kids and I abuse him and walk all over him.
I asked him what gives him the right to an easy responsibility free life. I said his parents had spoiled him rotten and for some reason he believes that everyone owes him. I said okay you have said what the kids and I are supposed to do, what about you? What are your responsibilities. He said he brings home the bacon, we should be grateful for that. (I make more than he does, and if he has worked for 6 months in the last 2 years it is a lot.)
Even when not drinking, his thinking is so twisted. I told him people talk about a dogs life, how they would like to come back as a dog in another life.
I told him if I believed in reincarnation the heck with a dogs life, I want to come back as you. Then I said Your Majesty go crown yourself and hung up on him.
What gives this &^& the right to an easy life? What makes him more important than the rest of us? Why are we expected to do everything while he sits on his lazy butt and gives drunken orders?
I know I should ignore it, I know even though he wasn't drinking at the time, it was the drinking talking or was it?
Maybe I have been wrong, and he is a jerk, drunk or sober. Maybe his parents have spoiled him so much that evewn if he sobered up he wouldn't become a real human being.
Vent away. This forum is great for unleashing our pain....
ya know what booked helped me ALOT? The getting them sober you can help book.
it said that the wives of alcoholics look up to them as "a little tin God"
boy did this hit home to me.
Even though I work and the A hasn't for 3 years, I still let him have all control over money and spending and I had to beg a dollar.
Last year something in me woke up and I got my own private account and my own access to money I earn - at 42... What's wrong with me? Apparently alot.
Throughout my marriage my husband praised me for not spending money on myself- while he had the best clothes, watches, vehicles etc - what's wrong with me?
We were out to dinner recently and he ordered what he liked and was very particular about what he wanted and didn't want and I sat back and was complacent about the meal and accepted the default meal -without specifying my needs- whats wrong with me?
For years and years I waited on him and never thought of myself and my needs were quietly crushed.
Now that I no longer treat him as the "little tin God" he balks. But he better get used to it, my eyes are WIDE OPEN NOW!
Tak care of yourself
megan
Oh, and so much of their brains are scrambled by the booze. One of the most freeing things that I heard at an alanon meeting was "You are living with insanity"
WOW - then I tried to stop figuring out the crap that oozed out of his sickly mind...It was a relief not to try to comprehend the incomprehensible
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Hi...Mine thought he was the king in his throne...(recliner)...to be brought dinner in his chair.
Believe me, when we are up against the "little God" or King idea the disease of A'ism gives them, it's best to stay out of harms way, and not get trampled on....not be the servant to the tyrant. That is exactly how it was for me, and detachment was the best helper here.
Hi Jeannie, Wow you sound like I did in the past. I too wondered if my A husband was really not a nice person. But remembered that drinking is only a part of the disease. Even when he was sober he was still an A not on a program.
Plus they ae so saturated with drugs how can they be sober with out detoxing anyway. Alcoholism destroys their brain and other organs. After so long they are not thinking straight when they are sober.
Jeannie I don't believe my husband or disbelieve him. All I know is he is sick. If he is abusive I will hang up. Now I have blocked him from calling. He just calls to ask for pills anyway.
I too relate, when he abandoned me the first time, I moved into the barn in one room. No plumbing or heat. I dragged a phone cord and power cord up there. Rented my house so I would not lose my place.
He was at mommies being waited on!! I was the bad person. All of a sudden I was not the loved dil anymore. I had done nothing wrong.nothing.
I would go see him at work, he would be drunk, I would ask for money as I had no food. rrrr
He would have the nerve to complain about living at his moms or whatever, and I did not even have a dang toilet!
An A is basically selfish. He would tell me to "ask" if I wanted to go somewhere. Yea right.
Anyway they are sick people, very sick. They are also speaking insanity when ever they open their mouth if they are not sober and on a program, in my experience.
You are not alone Jeannie. If you stay where you are, I promise it gets easier and easier nothing they say will surprise you anymore. You will come to seriously realize it is a disease talking. You won't care what it says. When they call you will just listen to hear the voice but not care what it says.
I am past that even now. Soon I will be passed even bothering to go see him. It is not him anyway.
hugs girl you are doing great. You sound so serene and you are making sense. It is so great to have seen you make such big strides.
Jeannie, Wow your post really sparked something in me as I started this reply and wow it got way to long, I saved it as it was good for me to write down these thoughts, but waaaay to long to post. The jest though, while dealing with this disease has been miserable, one of the good things coming out of it is that “King Mark” has been de-throned. Did I have some expectations/attitudes like your husband only with out the alcohol? to a degree I did. You said “He says cleaning and laundry are my jobs as a Wife” ashamed to say I have said that. I for along time believed my work was done the minute I got in my car and went home as I’m the King and bring home the bacon after all, with out me where would they be. Your comment about the job..humm guilty as well, inferred much the same about her part time job. Yea I've been a huge jerk as well. My stint this last time when she was in rehab and I decided not to involve my family for help at home gave me an eye opening. I need to be more part of the team at home too, its a lot for one person. I gained an appreciation for what she is instead of just focusing what she is not. LOL remember my post Mr. Mom the Mess”. I guess in a way she was alone a lot when I could have and should have been there in ways other than royally. Your post reminded me where I’ve been and reinforces my need to keep my eye on me, as its easy to see I'm no jewel either and have a ways to go. I'm workin on that. Sorry my post was not very supportive, just wanted you to know yours helped me look at me alittle more.
Oh Jeannie, I so empathize with you. I was married to his "Royal Majesty The Volcano" for eighteen years. He dominated my life so much that there was nothing left of me when we divorced. If I even voiced my opinion on something, he would say "end of story, argument over" because he felt he was always right. I wasn't allowed to argue with him.
The other thing I have discovered about this disease is that you never argue with them when they are drunk. For one, they won't remember the argument. I also have learned to detach and not engage in the battle. My most effective detachment tool when on the phone with my alcoholics is to hang up. And I am happy to say that I have been empowered in my life to the point that if I get into an argument with one of my alcoholics, I can laugh hysterically at their antics, and detach. They no longer control me and I have set up boundaries that I enforce strictly. Thanks for being here Jeannie, SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
Sounds like you have excellent replies. I say, keep up the good work you are doing! :) Sometimes we have to be like a broken record and just keep saying the same thing back until they finally get the message. cdb
Well Jeanie you brought back a memory or two, my husb and I had separated for a few months and my sons were 12-`14 . One nite they were feeling kind of sad and i decided to let them decide what we would have for supper. such a little thing but they both hollered mararoni and hamberger together mom. I thought yuck but made it anyway. Iput the frying pan on the table and they dove into that like it was steak, and as I watched from the counter it dawned on me that i hadn't cooked that for yrs . Why? because my husb didn't like it. sheeeeeesh
So not only did I allow him to make me feel bad I in turn told my kids they didn't count either! just by simply saying a thousand times, we cant do that daddy dosen't like it. boy do I wish I could take back those times. I know n ow that I did it because i wanted to keep him happy and calm,not complaining , funny how I never noticed back then that the more I did for him the more he complained he kept raising the bar , you know reach one goal and he wanted something else.
And the sad part of this whole thing to me is I let him do this. so have no one to blame but myself, but when he returned home sober things had changed we all got a chance to eat what we wanted and wonders of wonders he ate it. so am still not sure who was sicker him or me
Carry on looking after yourself and your children, he is ticked cause u won't let him come home trust me he will get over it. He dosen't like living at moms either. hehe hang in there your doin fine . Louise
Your post sounded like a copy of my like. My A has been sober for 11 Months and still has the King husband diease... My sponser says do not react it is hard when you feel like a slave instead of a wife. He does not go to work beacause he works on our farm for his dad.....and he will not even wash his own lunch dishes..kinda makes you feel like going on strike....I can also relate to what your A says about walking on him mine does the same thing he even got a hammer and tore up our sons game boy becaues he forgot to fill up the dogs water bucket ....gosh I can truley relate to how you feel....makes me madder the H/;;. I really struggle with the detachment part..so now I just do one day at I time and learn to not react...I think a dry drunk is just as hard as being drunk...best of luck to you and take care of you and your kids
((((Jeannie)))) First you did very good with him and I love reading your posts.
I totally relate to your post and see my husband in your words. Like Mark had mentioned his admission to doing this aswell just lets me know that alcohol or not it is something they just do not notice and until it is king hubby doing it all for everyone he would never really understand how rediculas the "king" is.
Great post made me think about it. LOL when I get fed up I don't do hubbys laundry and he always naggs me about it and I just tell him his legs are not broke to get doing some laundry. He is usually grumpy but he gets some laundry done. LOL
Jeannie...Enjoyed reading your post and the replies 2 it. ALL men must B made out of the same mold. My present husband, personality-wise, is completely opposite my first hubby. And, even though this guy's a wonderful person, there are things about him that bug me. He isn't an excessive drinker, but I can't talk 2 him. He clams up: unless it's something he wants. Then the words flow easy enough. Long as he's warm, happy and has a full tummy, 2 heck with anybody else. It's been my experience that this is truly a man's world; and, females are 2nd-class citizens. Statistics show 1 in 3 women are abused. Females are the fastest growing segment of society, being jailed! When a woman works outside the home, she has 2 full-time jobs. The man comes home after work, plops on a sofa and waits 2 B waited on. I say, "Women defend yourselves!!!"
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view book biography excerpts; RVing tips; campground & vacation center ratings @ Bonnie and Bill Homepage, Arlyne Lucille
That is exactly how it was for me, and detachment was the best helper here.
