The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH as you know is now in the west indies..Today I got a phone call from one of his customers (he is a builder), who I have met once socially. I explained that I was very sorry but the work he had promised he would do when he was there in January (just before he left me for good) wouldnt be getting done and I told her briefly that he "had issues" and would not be back. She said, oh when I saw him in january he said he would be back february and took a list of jobs he would be doing for her...no indication anything was wrong. She then told me when I said he had Issues, I didnt want to go any further into the conversation, that she knew he drank and last year had been concerned about him going on her roof, because she knew he had had a drink. She said then last summer he started to look really well and had told him so, (he was in AA then and didnt drink for 6 months) but here is the crunch, she said when he came in January she could smell spirits on his breath, I asked her what time that was, she said, 9.00am...that was the bit of the jigsaw I couldnt understand, my AH DIDNT DRINK IN THE MORNING...he wasnt at that stage...oh yes he was...for some reason that makes me realise even more that there was nothing I could have done to change what has happened..he really was a lot worse than I knew, he must have waited til he left the house and had the "eye opener", drink of choice being whisky..the woman said I could be wrong but I dont think so, she said its a very distinctive smell. So where he was at makes so much more sense now...I would be frightened for him but after the pain he has caused/still is causing me, I cant worry about him...only me and getting my life back together, that he has so little cared about what happened to me makes me yet unable to go down the compassion route im afraid...But it has been, excuse the pun, an "eye opener" for me......What I can't believe is that I didnt see it..Thanks for letting me share this.Ive posted on Getting them sober too.
what kind of a person is this that lets a durnk man up on their roof?
Certainly I was one of them!
Boundaries might mean you refer those kinds of calls to your husband's cell phone (I presume he has one) or his office phone. Obviously you can't get into when and what he is going to be back.
You know this is so typical of the alcoholic. They love chaos, they need it to propel their drinking.
When someone is in their disease there is nothing you can do to pull them out of it but take care of yourself.
Have you got an attorney yet?
What about going to meetings? there are two here every day and you will see/hear how people get through these kinds of situations.
Hi Marasie, No ive got no solicitor, but hes signed and had witnessed a doc to say he wants nothing, no equity from the house now or ever, no claim on any part of my estate/assets now or ever and in return im doing the same. He really does want nothing...crikey he gave ALL his clothes to charity!! I will wait two years, the agreement includes our official separation date, then just do a quickie divorce then. I have changed my phone now to say if call is for Mr AAAA that they need to ring him on mobile (ive not bothered giving it). But, I picked up this call and so that was that....I havent done face to face, I find this forum and Getting them sober so very valuable, I also have some wonderful friends who are and have been a huge support...for now thats all I need and of course my wonderful dog...whose company i so value..Even his family have sent me lovely messages to say how sorry they are..very embarrassed and have no faith in their brother and he knows it, its not just about me..his children have been forgotten about too in his haste to run away from his problem. Thank you so much for your post
do you have the Getting them Sober series, she has great advice for the period when an A takes off.
We have meetings here but they are on east coast time and may not work with a UK schedule. We also have a chat room where are incredible, warm loving people who can help out.
The more you can learn a program the better. Can you get yourself some legal advice there are places like Citizens Advice Bureaus that can give you a referral. Doing a divorce especially with property and other stuff on your own isn't a good idea.
Support is one thing, start working the tool box, what's your plan be? Are you making one?
Hi Maresie, Thanks for that...I know its not ideal but we dont have £198 an hour to give to a solicitor, also I have been to CAB for advice and the doc is essentially what they suggested would be reasonable. His estate is worth twice mine so hed be a fool to try anything frankly...I would get legal aid too, he wouldnt..I have the getting them sober vol 1 here at home and I read the excerpts from vol 4 a lot in fact whenever I feel off key, thinking its me. Ive also found some very helpful info on line generally for example, everything you need to know about chemical dependence, which is as if they have written about my AH. I have learned so much since this all happened end of Jan, hindsight is a great thing, but Im not sure I could have done anything anyway, he just cant live a 'normal' life..... Thanks again for your concern. Love Lilly.
Can;t you get help from some agency or law school? There are resources out there.
Can you get some books from the library related to al anon and to codependency they will help. Any of these authors will help you, Harriet Braiker, Pia Melody, Melody Beattie. Learn all you can about codependency. I think the excepts from Getting them Sober are helpful but its better to read the books you can also request them from the library.
Be as pro active as you can regarding the divorce. Make a plan be.
