The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My last post is here title lost and confused or something like that...
Alright I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple days. Probably not enough. I keep changing my mind on whether or not I want to stay. But as I REALLY think about it I really am waiting for him to decide if he is going to stop seeing this other girl. And by doing that I am not doing something for ME. Which is the whole reason I am here to worry about me and mind my own business.
He hasn't come home from work at all this week and gets off at midnight. He comes home at 8 in the morning. And still sits and makes breakfast for me, buys me coffee and wht not... That's not good enough for me. I deserve better than this and I know it.
I am only on step 2-3 but been thinking about step 4 to help get me through this. I have put sooo much attention on him before I have not spent enough time with my 6 yr old. Whenever we fight I send her to my Mom's which is good she does't need to see this, but my mom is an A and that has affected me so I shoudn't be putting my daughter in this position.
I always have worried about my A and as much as I don't want to admit it I have neglected spending quality time with my children. I sit here with them all day but we don't sit and do things together. I find something for them to do on their own. Yesterday I had my daughter come home and sat and played with both kids till it was bed time for them. My daughter looked at me and said it was the best day of her life and we didn't really even do anything fun. That really showed me how much I am affecting her. And it needs to stop.
I need to start to learn to worry about ME so I can be the best ME and the best mother for my kids.
I want to stay with my A because I truly do love him. But if he is going to continue hurting me and sleeping with someone else why do I have to put up with this? I think well I know I am SCARED to leave (acoa). I don't know how I will make it without him on my own. I am sooo hurt and in pain by him. I have never felt this hurt my WHOLE life.
I don't have a car, I don't even know how to drive. And I don't try to learn because I am scared to. I am scared to get into an accident. How am I going to work and get my kids to daycare each day? I have no clue, but that's not today to worry about.
Some say he is an A and is really sick. Just keep coming back and he will see the changes I am making and remember the girl he fell in love with not the nagging and control one I have come to be. And then he will change.
Well you know what I can't sit and wiat for him. No matter how sick he is right now I could really care less if he is an A or not. I am TIRED of this. There are soo many other men out there I could be with and not have to deal with all this crap and rejection constantly. So why should I sit and wait for him to get better? Because he probably never will. I can see it already he will be on his death bed drinking a beer and have a glass of brandy right next to him.
I am ACOA so for the past 3 days I have had MANY different thoughts and ideas as what to do. For right now the next 10 minutes this is what I want and how I feel. I could change my mind in 20 minutes. I don't know. I hope not because it's too painful to stay.
So I am going to pray numerous times a day for my HP to give me strength and courage to get through this.I am not going to ask HP to help me leave or lead me on a path of happiness with my A. I am just going to ask for help in whatever HP choses is right for me. I have tried to make choices in the past and I am getting no where good. It's time for me to let HP decide what is next in my life.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
(((((Melissa))))) I feel for you and can tell your heart is breaking. The place you are in is a very hard one, and having children involved makes it even harder. I am struggling with issues of my own right now, though not nearly as severe as yours, so I will offer you only the best ESH that I have......
A good friend here on MIP told me once that if "you don't like the way you are feeling try doing the opposite of what you are doing" and ya know what? He was dead right on it!!
Try doing the opposite of what you have been doing and I bet you get the opposite results. It is hard to try and work the program sometimes and a struggle but it is worth it.....I have struggled repeatedly the past 4 months and I have grown tremendously and you will too. Just remember you are worth it and you and your children do deserve the BEST this life has to offer and there is NOTHING you and your HP can not get through together-that includes driving:)!
Keep coming back! shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
So I am going to pray numerous times a day for my HP to give me strength and courage to get through this.I am not going to ask HP to help me leave or lead me on a path of happiness with my A. I am just going to ask for help in whatever HP choses is right for me. I have tried to make choices in the past and I am getting no where good. It's time for me to let HP decide what is next in my life.
Hi Melissa,
It is amazing how simply sharing and reflecting on alanon ideas can really be so very effective.
The above portion of your posting was so very inspiring. You have definately absorbed the basic idea behind the program.
I also appreciated the important awareness you arrived at regarding your children.
Please keep coming back and sharing. You are worth it.
There is a space between leaving and staying. The space is recovering. You can recover and then you can make different decisions for yourself.
Recovering means that you can learn new skills.
I'm glad you're aware of some of your issues like ACOA and abandonment. That's great strides.
In Al anon there are numerous tools you can use. You can get to know them by being here. We talk about them all the time. You can also find them on www.coping.org.
You don't have to decide to stay/leave/fix him at the moment. You can just concentrate on you and get better.
I don't think there is anything the county can do to help besides put me on welfare which is nearly not enough to pay rent at a cheap apartment up here. I applied for cheaper housing and it's an 7 year waiting list. I applied about 2 months ago just in case.
I am still trying to set up a meeting time to discuss everything with someone from the county to make sure I don't have anything else.
My A not being an a$$hole while he is here does help me. He doesn't say anything mean and is honest about what is going on. At times I just think I cant stay here and recover looking at him, but at other times I am not sure if there is somewhere better for me to be that I can afford financially.
Thank you all for your replies. And thank you maresie for the website I skimmed through it and will start reading some of it once I finish typing this. I think it will help me.
Well actually I booked marked it my daughter really wants to play a game with me and I will look at it once they are in bed.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
You are in a difficult place I know melissa. I love that you are coming back here and really thinking about how the program can help you. No need to solve everything at once, but just take care of you and the kids for now. I love too that you had quality time with your daughter . Way to go! HP is always here with us .
In July of 08 I was moving out and moving on. I had money in my pocket, i know how to drive and I can afford to take care of myself. But I needed to recover. I decided that I would recover in the comforts of what I call home. I gave myself 6 months to heal and told myself that it was off limits to leave for the first 6 months. Well, I thought about January quite often and could wait until it was time to reconider my decision to stay or go. I wondered where I would be and how far i got in recovery. Well, its 9 months into recovery. I am now giving myself all the time I need. I don't have a time limit on deciding on wether or not to leave. I just enjoy things in the day that I am in.
You have all the right tools and you are intellegent! You'll get it!
