The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Went home last night, took a bubble bath and went to bed. Woke up and spent the rest of my awake time with my HP and buried in AlAnon literature, then back to sleep. Woke up still not feeling real well, then got the email from the ExABF about not adding my comment to his page for "no particular reason". Instead of just reacting, I came here and posted, and sent my sponsor an email. Afterward I calmed down enough to realize it was my expectation of him posting the comment that upset me to begin with-well that was one of the things. The other being we met originally on Myspace and he didn't add me on his page at first, yet others have no problem being added, etc. So there are other issues between he and I concerning myspace and what upset me the most is that he KNOWS it upsets me yet he does something like that anyway. But the more I got to thinking about it the more I decided that I think I am just going to delete my profile altogether-if I can find a way to keep in touch with my one nephew elsewhere. I used to get alot of joy out of Myspace page as I used to to keep in touch with my family and share photos etc. But If it is the source of so many of my painful issues with EXABF then why keep it anymore? The joy that we once shared through it is obviously gone and I don't see it coming back. Plus I do not want our primary source of contact to be Myspace and emails-that I decided today also. We are adults and there is a phone between us. He didn't want to talk on the phone til after our Spring date so we could have a "fresh start"-well we had that and now it's time to be grown ups and talk like real people, so I have decided that any email type communication will be VERY brief and light. I am still struggling with this some, and will pray on it more before deciding 100% but for today I think it is probally best for me, though it pains me GREATLY to loose that contact with my nieces and nephews. I am also really struggling with part of the program. I know the focus is to be on me, but that seems to me like if that is the case isn't that creating a lot of self centeredness in the world? I mean where is the caring for one another and the love when everytime someone does something good or bad, hateful or nice and our response is " it's none of my business"? Where is the compassion in that? Seems to me like that can be used to our disadvantage also and create some pretty cold hearted numb people and I do NOT want to be like that with people. I don't know that making it all about me is the way that God wants us to live, it just seems so self centered and uncaring and selfish in many ways to me, and I struggle with that. I just do not want to turn into some cold unfeeling emotionally detached robot type of person. I have struggled with this since the beginning and I think if I could find a way past that selfish feeling that I feel and the self centeredness coldness I see in EXABF, that I could detach and get past the obsessing so much easier. I struggle and fight with detachment because to me it seems like we are detaching from our real feelings and aren't we always being told that we have a right to feel however we feel? Any ESH would be appreciated as always. Just having another off day, I know part of it is being sick and tired, but there is still that inner struggle that I can't seem to get past 100%. thanks for listening shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Well, there is facebook, which I feel is more secure than myspace. There is also a site I think is called Familytree which is just like FB and myspace but strictly for families to network and keep intouch. There are other options and sites out there. I agree that just deleting your myspace account, or delelting EXabf from your friends and setting your profile to private could help. But good for you for recognizing your choices and your issues. You are amazing!!!
I think you are headed in a much better direction! I totally agree that the phone or face to face dialogue is waay more mature and authentic. I used to date a guy who could ONLY text- HA! that did not last long and it was SO ODD- like why can't we talk on the phone?! whats up with that? How weird is that?!! BIG red flag.
The choice is yours. Conduct yourself in a healthy and mature manner and expect the same from others and pretty soon thats all who you will be dealing with- healthy, honorable and mature people!
Don't engage with the games or the players, just walk away- you do not owe anyone any kind of explanation. Keep focusing on yourself and keep close to your sponsor and HP and your Home Group. hugs, J.
Just my two cents, but our programs focus on "self-care", not "self-centeredness".... Yes, we can and do care about others, but need to take care of ourselves - physically, emotionally, spiritually - so that we are of sound enough mind, etc., to be rational and make good decisions about when & what to get ourselves involved in....
We don't learn to turn our backs on others - we learn the realistic boundaries of who we can change / influence (i.e. ourselves), and who we cannot (i.e. others).
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The better I take care of myself the more I can be "there" for others. In fact al anon is a very very caring program, witness this board where people are incredilby kind, nice, compassionate and generous to people that just "pop in".
You can go onto Facebook and create a profile there.
I know I absolutely would have the same issues if I were not in recovery about obsessing about someone. I did that the majority of my adult life I could not envision a life without doing that. I have that now.
The other issue is that in al anon we learn tools to cope better in the world, with or without an ucaring boyfriend its pretty hard to be out there, leaning how to detach, know what's important and not over react are incredibly useful skills to have.
