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My husband and I have had a huge fight and he has gone to his family to vent. He explained to his sister everything that has gone on and she thinks everything is my fault because i drove him to it. I did not make him drink I did not make him steal from me I did not make him start with cocain. He told her everything and because she doesn't like me it is all my fault.
she thinks our relationship is her business because he did go to her. Well, it isn't in my opinion. I explained to her he would go drinking because he was mad at me and he was mad at me trying to make him a responsible person. He is married with a child and that means you don't go out to the bars everynight and band practice is the back burner compaired to his family. He lives with us but sees us maybe a total of 4 hours in a week. If that makes him drink than so be it! Reality hurts!
Well, his sister begins to tell me that I am a miserable person that everyone that I meet dislikes me and that must be ahorrible life to live. She then went on to tell me that I have a immature mess of a life and that I am a queen B and just UUURRRGGG!!!! I want to scream!!! I really do hate her!
I would love nothing better than to tell her off! I want to throw all the dirty crap she has done in just the last year. Disrepecting your parents, punching her mom in the face throwing her 6 month old son while drunk, going out 2-3 times a week while your son is home with grandma..that is a good parent. Just trying to control other peoples relationships when she has never been able to make one last. Aborting a set of twins cause she couldn't handle it. Well that is no source of birth control. You wanna play the role you gotta pay the toll. I know everybody has different opinions on that but I don't agree with it and sorry if you do. that is my opnion and she doesn't agree with it either but she is just too ashamed to let people know. her brother and mother told me. So I just want to throw it all in her face. I know it will not solve anything but man will it make me feel good!!
is there anything I should say to her if she starts with the irrational insults again. I really don't want to stoop to her level I want to kill her with either kindness or just out wit her. All I can think of doing is just reacting with anger and regreting it. My AH doesn't want anything to do with it he says it is not his fight and to leave him out. Although he is the one that put our business out for everyone to hear and by the way he says he caused most of our problems and she doesn't care. He still believes I am the one to blame for his drinking and I have started to believe I am not and I tell him i am not I say " I did not force you to put that bottle to your mouth or force you to swallow. I am sorry you can't handle stress the way other people do in a rational way. It was your choice to react with alcohol." Please any advice????
Remember Shell, sisters can be, and often are, very very defensive, especially of brothers. DO not hate her because she sides with her brother. It is almost predictable that she would. No amount of "telling her off" is going to change her mind. Fact is, telling her off is only going to harden her heart toward you. And, do you really want to hear more "irrational insults?" You know the truth. Speak it quietly and clearly to your heart. And steer clear of those with whom you might have a confrontation. To do otherwise is a waste of your precious time.
Wishing you all good things, Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Wednesday 25th of March 2009 09:45:18 AM
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree with Diva. Keep your own counsel and have the strength to walk away in the face of this. I know how good it would feel to scream from the treetops but its not worth your time or energy. Go run, swim or do something really physical with all that energy. Turn that negativity into something good for you through exercise or making art or singing or whatever it is that you LOVE to do. This too shall pass. You got a good vent out here- this is a great place to vent. hugs, J.
A great come back when I am confronted with stupidity or anger is "I'm sorry you feel that way." and I repeat as necessary. Another one I found to be super effective when dealing with my drunk ex SIL was "Call me when you're sober"
There is the old stand by "I'm rubber and you're glue..."
Or how about " So, who did YOU vote for?"
My ex's family would throw a party with drugs and alcohol every single time my ex relapsed. And they would haul out the "WE HATE SEREN" banner that they kept in the closet for just such occasions. And Diva is right, my ex's sisters were the ones who stuck up for my ex no matter what. Such is life. They were sick with this disease also.
Sometimes standing up for myself when being abused was the best thing for me. Sometimes I fought back with verbal venom. That scared them. Then they got to turn it around and play the victim of ME!!! LOL!!! That's their most comfortable role...victim of the "system" victim of the disease, victim of circumstances, victim of poor childhood, poverty, the weather, the neighbors, fashion designers, the plumber, the police, the doctor...you get the idea.
And Today, 2 years after I have ahd ANY contact with them, if you asked them why they don't see their nieces...they will tell you it is all MY fault.
I am no victim. No longer.
You have all sorts of choices of what you want to do with your anger. You decide!!
I think Iwill stick with the "I am sorry you feel that way" unless I absolutely have to take off the gloves and street fight!!! Then I will tell you what sweet revenge. I know it is childish but she has to know she can't treat people that way and not get something in return and right now she thinks she has scared me and defeated me and that really burns my butt. I have tried everything I know to do to get along with her. I have gone out of my way to help her and include her in things. I let her borrow all of my summer clothes last summer. I was preggo and she had not lost all of her weight from her baby and she is about 1 size smaller than me so I like I said let her borrow my clothes. I asked for them back yesterday and she said she sent it all to goodwill!! That is like over $300 worth of clothes a tone of oldnavy, American Eagle, and abercrombie!! I am furious. She probably did it out of spite. Gosh I will do my best but I can't promise anything.
Your situation is classic. The alcoholic will do anything to take the attention off them and there issues and place the problem squarely with everyone else.
Do not buy into this game. You know the truth. Focusing on others and taking their inventory makes us feel better for a time but does nothing to solve your very serious problem.
I hope you have found an alanon meeting in your area. Getting a sponser to call when you feel like you do is a great outlet. Meetings, slogans the steps and focusing on yourself is the solution to this mess.
is there anything I should say to her if she starts with the irrational insults again.
What others think of me is none of my business.
Only you can make her comments and judgements your business..otherwise, blow it off. Why does it matter what she thinks? It changes nothing, unless you let it.
-- Edited by Christy on Wednesday 25th of March 2009 11:08:24 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Look at the Karpman triangle. Look it up youd be in ok corral sure you would feel better for a while then you'd be sunk in the triangle with her. Get out of the triangle. Your sister in law is all that and more, she knows it, you don't have to tell her.
Getting better means we think before we act. You've done the right thing coming here. Sometimes not reacting is absolutely the right thing to do.
I would write down all the stuff I want to say to her in a journal and go back and look at it in two weeks and see how I feel about it then. It's amazing how much our lives change from day to day and the way we see things changes. I'm just wondering why you bother to listen to her nastiness do you live with her? When someone says something that starts my anger churning I hang up the phone or remove myself from the situation. If you're in a position where you're dependent on your A, his family, his sister for housing or financial support I would make it my TOP priority to become financially independent and have enough cash saved to walk away as well as a stable source of income to stay away. Peace of mind is worth whatever you have to do to get it!
As people who have been affected by alcoholism, we all have to remember that we can not control what others say or do or think or feel. The only person we can change is ourselves. You can not teach anyone anything by force...trust me, I try it all the time with terrible results. Just take care of yourself.
I have heard a lot of "comebacks" for when something is said to you that is unkind but my favorite all time comeback is...
"You know, you might be right but I'll have to think about that and get back to you, then promptly walk out of the room or hang up the phone."
This takes the focus off of them and puts it on you and it also gives you back the control you need for you.
Revenge only hurts a situation, it never solves anything. Like someone else said journal this. Write down everything you want to say to her then wait awhile and go back and read it again. You may just find that you are glad you used your journal to vent and not another human being.
You said in your post that she drinks a lot too. Darlin' trying to make sense to an alcoholic is like trying to nail jello to a tree. It just isn't going to happen.
For me, I make sure my side of the street is clean and leave the other side for the person who owns it to take care of. As long as I know my side is clean I have nothing to worry about.
Another thing I do is I pray for the other person every morning and every night and I keep doing it until I mean it. Although in Al-Anon I usually use the AA 3rd step prayer. I say it once for myself and the second time inserting the other person's name in place of mine. I do this twice a day until I mean it. It really does work.
Third Step Prayer-for me
"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Third Step Prayer - for someone else
"God, I offer (Jane) to Thee -- to build with her and to do with her as Thou wilt. Relieve her of the bondage of self, that she may better do Thy will. Take away her difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those she would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May she do Thy will always!"
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
